Deconstructing Harry Page #2

lsn't that cheating on your wife?

No. lt's not cheating.|She's a hooker.

lt's not like a love affair.

You don't feel for a professional|like you do for yourwife.

She comes over,|rubs on her oils...

Oils?

lnto the sack.|She takes you to the moon.

Lay half a C-note on her|she's history.

Where would you do it?

l couldn't have her|at my apartment.

You get a hotel room. lt's what|l do when the wife's home.

l don't have the dough.|Fifty's a lot in itself.

Maybe a friend'll let you use|his place.

You're always bitching about|your sex life.

l'm trying to help.

l tell her you|gave me the number?

Not my name!|Don't use your real name.

Of course. Not the real name.

You borrow a friend's apartment,|you use his name.

That way it'll be on the bell.

Good fortune smiled on Harvey.

One of his best friends,|Mendel Birnbaum, was hit by a car,

and hovered between life and death|at New York Hospital...

freeing up a great bachelor|apartment...

for Harvey's tryst.

Donning the otherman's robe...

Harvey became|the swinger Mendel Birnbaum...

and waited...

his Oriental passport to paradise.

You must be Mendel Birnbaum.

Did you enjoy it?

-Are you kidding? Be right back.|-Where you going?

l'm going to check my pants|for another 50.

l'd like to go again.

Yes?

-Mendel Birnbaum?|-Yes.

Open.

Who is it?

Who are you?

l've come for you.

-What are you talking about?|-l'm Death...

and your name is on my list.

No!

Wait a minute.|You've made a mistake.

You don't have a minute.

l'm not Mendel...

Don't give me that bullshit!

Look at your monogram.

Mendel?

Who are you talking to?

Don't call me Mendel.

-Please. l'm just using his pad.|-Right!

They always have an excuse.

Let's go!

Move it, you little putz!

l'm on the roof.|She's pointing a gun at me...

we're out in the cold|and l'm panicked.

l tell her a story l wrote|when l was younger...

and she found it funny,|thank God.

She laughed and relaxed and|she puts the gun down.

So your writing saved your life.

lt's amazing to me, you know?

The interesting thing apart|from the obvious sexual guilt...

that l had when|l was young in the story...

is that nothing's changed.

lt's years later.

l had a shrink then and now...

l'm six shrinks later...

l'm three wives down the line.

And l still can't get|my love life in order.

l still love whores.

lt's ideal. You pay them, and|they come to the house...

and you don't have to discuss|Proust or films or...

l don't knowwhat's|happening to me.

l just have not grown up|and l feel...

l see other guys my age.

l think of f***ing|every woman l meet.

l meet a woman in the bank...

or on the bus...

l think:
What's she look like naked?|Can l f*** her?

This is crazy.

l see guys l know that|are lawyers and doctors...

with families and houses.

They're not so...

Does the U.S. President want|to f*** every woman he meets?

Bad example.

l don't know.

Take Raoul Wallenberg...

Did he want to bang every|waitress in Europe?

Probably not.

Tell me about|your honoring ceremony.

That's bullshit.

The same school that|threw me out years ago...

now wants to honor me.

Why'd they throw you out?

Because l was not|interested in college.

l wanted to be a writer.|Writing was all l cared about.

l did not care about|the real world.

l cared only about|the world of fiction.

Plus l tried to give...

the dean's wife and enema.|They didn't like that.

The sad thing is...

l've gotta drive way|upstate to be honored...

and l have to go alone.|l got nobody to go with...

What about bringing|your son with you?

l can't. lt's not|my visiting time.

Joan is completely|inflexible, so...

She won't trade dates with you?

l can't even get her|on the phone.

She hates me and...

for the first time in my life|l have writer's block.

Now this, to me, is unheard of.

l start these short stories|and l can't finish them.

l can't get into my novel...

because l took an advance.

l don't know.

l find l'm taking more pills|and medicine and...

You remind me of that story|you were working on...

two months ago...

"The Actor"...

Something's wrong with this lens.

This one, too? l changed lenses!

What do you mean?|Focus is off!

-l don't know why it's a problem.|-The center's out of focus.

l checked all the lenses,|they can't be soft.

Let's move it. lt's late.

l'm tryin' to shoot Mel|and he's soft.

What?

-Where do you rent these lenses?|-The lenses are fine!

-Mel's out of focus!|-That's what l said.

Not the lens.|l mean Mel himself.

Let me see!|Get the hell out.

You're right. Mel's out of focus.

What are you saying?

l said the actor's out of focus.

How can this be?

ls something wrong?

Mel, come here.

l don't know how to say this...

but you're soft.

l've gained some weight.

lt's not that. You're soft.

You're out of focus.

l don't knowwhy.|ls there anything we can do?

l can't adjust forthis.

Look at yourself.

You sure you're okay?

lt's fuzzy.

All right, look...

Mel's out of focus.

You're not in focus.

Nothing to do.

lt's 4 o'clock, anyway.|Why don't we just wrap?

We'll wrap and|we'll see what happens

Now look. l want you|to go home.

And l want you to rest.

And see if you can|sharpen up.

Grace, l'm home.

Hi, honey.

What's the matter?|You look strange.

l'm out of focus.

Yeah...

You are. Just a little bit.|You are.

And you look pale.

Daddy, you're all blurry!

Maybe you should lie down.

-l'll bring tea and toast?|-Daddy's out of focus!

Daddy doesn't need that, okay?

Come on now, you be nice.

What happened at work today?

First they thought|it was the camera...

Reuben! Stop it!

They thought it was the camera...|but it was me!

-Really?|-They send me home.

-lt's humiliating.|-You eat anything strange? Shellfish?

No. This is not|an allergic reaction.

You know what?

l just need to get a good|night's sleep.

-l'm sure that's all it is.|-What happened to you?

Get a good night's sleep.|Turn in early...

and tomorrow you'll be fine.

But the following morning|things did not improve.

ln fact, the situation was worse.

Mel was more out of focus|than ever.

l gotta get to the doctor.

Never seen anything like this.

Nothing's wrong with you,|except you're out of focus.

What's the matter?

lt's from looking at Mel.|l'm a little seasick.

That's why l want everyone|to try these.

-l don't wear glasses.|-Wait, let's see.

l don't want glasses.

-Put 'em on so you can see me.|-Better!

-l look stupid with these on.|-Come on. Put 'em on.

-Daddy'll be much sharper.|-Want to see Daddy?

Put those on and|we won't get headaches.

Despite the fact children|don't want to wear glasses...

they're forced to.

You expect the world to adjust...

to the distortion|you've become.

l don't expect anything.

l'm going through something.

Forthe first time in my life|l can't seem to write.

lt's not coming.|And for me...

all l have in life|is my imagination.

Ourtime is up.

Have fun at the honoring ceremony.

lt'd be good if you took|your son with you.

Joan!

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