Deep End

Hello? Oh, Susan, erm,

come to my office, please. Right away.

As you know,

the job pays reasonably well.

And if you work hard, who knows?

You may end up behind this desk one day.

Come in. This is, erm, Nick.

- Michael.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Michael.

He's new here. Tell him about his duties

and well, and he's to start at once.

Turn that off!

Now, you'll get your wages

every Saturday.

- Good luck, son.

- Thanks a lot, guv.

Er, none of your "guv"

in this establishment.

It's always "sir". Don't forget.

- Please, sir... Thank you, sir.

- All right then.

There's a storeroom there

where you can leave bits and pieces,

cashier's desk.

Down this corridor is the main baths.

Men's on the left, women's on the right.

That's my box room down the end there

with the door open,

you've got one on the left.

- Your first job?

- Yeah.

I thought it would be all white.

I only left school at Christmas.

You'll be all right here.

You can leave your coat there.

I'll show you the pool.

Come on.

Hey, will I be allowed to swim here?

Yeah, anytime you want. Hey! Hey...

Come on, this way.

I'll show you what to do.

Keep going, you won't be so cold.

I'll explain to you about the bath.

Oh, that's the toilets there.

Both those doors there.

As I said, your box room on the left.

And that's my section.

Come here, handsome. You'll get yourself

great tips, even better than mine.

What do you mean?

Er, number four hasn't been done out.

I'll show you what to do in here.

Well, you know, old chap,

ladies of a certain age tend to favour

polite and obliging young boys.

- So do some gentlemen.

- Yeah.

Well, first you...

I'm not to wait on ladies, am I?

We'll see.

First, you scrub it out.

I know some women who'd

tip you 10 bob for nothing, really.

- Just for imagining things.

- Yeah.

After some of them, this is quite a job.

Then you lay out a clean towel, soap,

a dry brush, a mat, a bathrobe and a...

- Can I help you do it?

- No, it's all right.

And wipe the masterpieces off the wall.

And don't believe everything you read,

as the teacher said.

When they're in here,

they're all supermen.

- Right, can you remember all that?

- Um...

Towel... No, wash it, towel,

bathmat, bathrobe,

- um, sheet...

- And?

- And masterpieces.

- Right.

There. It's a bit rough but it'll do.

Right, we'll go and get you changed.

You've got shorts and a t-shirt

and a white coat like mine.

There you are. Your first customer.

Oh, sir. Please come in.

Number five, I think, please, sir.

Just down there.

Hang on. I'll get a towel.

What did he say? Number five?

No, sir, no. Please, sir.

Number five is down there.

Um, yeah, number five.

This is number two.

Sir, come, come, come...

- Towel, sir, please.

- That's all right.

- Soap. Soap. Soap.

- Up yours. Up yours. Up yours.

A bathrobe?

Hello? Hold on, I'll see if she's here.

Susan!

I can't find her. Sorry.

- Yes.

- Oh, there you are.

There was a call for you. Sorry.

- Who?

- A man, of course.

Of course.

- Mike?

- Yeah?

Mike, be a dear, look after my section

for a bit, would you?

I've got to pop out

for a couple of minutes.

There's a customer I know in

the waiting room. She's a decent sort.

Put her in cubicle three.

- Yeah, but...

- You're not worried, are you?

All right?

Yeah, all right, Susan.

And, don't call her "guv".

The girl attendant isn't here, madam.

But I will show you to your cabin.

Lovely.

Your cabin...

- You're new here, aren't you?

- Yes.

- You keen on football?

- Yes, madam.

Would you get me a shampoo

for medium dry hair?

You'll find it in the girl's box room.

Come in.

- Oh, it's you, boy.

- Yes. Your shampoo, madam.

- Would you help me with this?

- Yes, madam.

- The buttons as well.

- Um, yes, madam.

Careful, boy, you're so rough.

Sorry, madam. Um, will that be all?

Uh, no, this is a bloody nuisance

as well.

You might as well undo it

while you're here.

Look, um, I don't know how.

- All right, if you're so useless.

- Thank you, madam.

Wait a minute.

Here, take this and get out.

Oh, no, no, no, really. Thank you.

It's okay, nothing really.

It was nothing.

Who will be the first in?

Shoes off! Everybody!

Come on. Come, come, come,

come, come, come, come.

Having a good time?

Help! Help! I nearly fainted.

I think the water was too hot.

I feel giddy.

Oh, I just... If I could just rest.

Oh! Wait, wait.

It's not as if

something really happened.

I mean, it wouldn't look good, would it?

If you were in here with me.

Just wait a little.

It'll soon pass over.

Are you... Are you keen on football?

All the boys are, aren't they?

One way or another?

It's always tackle, dribble, dribble,

- shoot...

- Yes, but...

Why can't you look into my eyes?

Look, boy. Stop it.

Stop staring at my tits.

What position do you play in, boy?

- Where do you play, hmm?

- Goalkeeper.

Oh, it doesn't matter,

they're all the same now.

They're all playing all over the pitch,

pushing hard and bucking tight.

Screening the ball, tackle, tackle,

dribble, dribble, shoot.

Keep your eyes off, boy.

It isn't decent.

Did you see Georgie Best score

those six goals at Northampton?

Six of them.

The second one,

when he got his head to it,

just a touch and it flew in.

Or that other one, when he...

When he dribbled across the field...

a dummy.

Close. Dribble, dribble...

And shot. No, no, he just...

He just pushed it in.

Just glided it in.

Slowly,

just inside the post.

Oh, Lord,

you can't keep Georgie out.

Oh, boy. Boy.

Georgie. Georgie.

Best!

Get out!

I don't need you any more.

Mike?

Mike?

Mike?

- What are you doing up there?

- Well, is it okay to be up here?

- Manager never comes up here.

- Mmm. Good.

What is it?

Oh, it's just some birds up here,

nesting.

Really?

Here, this is for you.

- 10 bob?

- From that fat beauty.

- How was it? All right?

- I don't want the money.

Oh, come on, don't be so childish.

You keep it.

- I don't want it.

- You keep it.

- Sue, I don't want it.

- Mike.

I helped out a bit here

while you were busy with her.

- Thanks.

- Do you see what I mean?

You can pick up quite a bit really.

You don't have to do anything for it.

Just go along with the gag,

that's all they want.

Do you think we'd better go down?

I'll, um... I'll pick them out

and tell you when to swap.

- Shop?

- That sounds like my dad.

- Shop, Michael!

- That sounds like...

Hey, let's have some service here.

Could be my father.

Mum! Dad!

Hey, Mum, please, look.

This is for gents only.

- You'll have to go in the women's...

- Nice welcome we get.

It's your mum's bath night, son.

Mummy's boy.

Better late than never,

if you ask me, eh, son?

Please, Mum, go in the women's.

You'll have the full treatment, okay?

Her full treatment.

How goes it, son?

Oh, it goes all right.

Sue, Sue, you know that woman

you've got in there? It's me mum.

So what?

Well, be nice to her.

Give her the treatment.

- It's too late.

- What?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes