Deep End Page #2

- I had to put her in her place.

- But why?

She deserves it.

Sue, what are you saying?

I told you. It's me mum.

Your mum is a cow.

Sue. Sue!

You can't say things like that.

It's not nice.

She's a cow.

Your mother's a silly old cow! Yes!

She can't be. She's dead.

Sue, I'm... I'm sorry.

- Good night.

- See you at home.

Reading on duty?

Mike, I'll see to things

in your section.

There's a lady waiting,

will you see to her?

Oh, my mum left this for you.

Did she?

Go on. Go on.

I'm afraid the girl attendant isn't here

but I'll show you to your cabin, madam.

- Are you new here?

- Yes.

But I don't like football.

Can you fetch me

a bottle of shampoo, please?

Yep.

Oh, that's no good.

I need a medicated one.

Well, if it's no good, it's no good.

What can I do?

Um, it's your medicated shampoo.

Thanks.

Sorry.

- Sir!

- Mike.

It's good to see you again. How are you?

- I'm fine, sir.

- You like working here?

Oh, it keeps me fit

now I'm no longer in your class.

Does it?

Not bad.

I expect I'll be running into you

now and again.

In winter I take

a bath here occasionally.

See you around.

Come on, get your clothes off.

What are you hanging about for? Hop in.

Mmm, thanks.

- Where do you want to...

- Let's sit over here.

- Cheese and pickle, is that all right?

- Yeah, great.

Here, look at this.

Here, look at this lot. Look.

I feel like an organ grinder,

look at this. Look.

All right.

Oi, look at the old one

upon the board there.

Wahey! Look at that.

- Bet you can't do that, Mike.

- Oh, never tried.

There's always a first time.

Hey, that's her. That's the girl.

Oh, to be a sandwich,

now that spring is here.

Why don't you go and change

in the men's room?

You can't change out here.

It's all right.

She's seen it all before, hasn't she?

Hey, you can't swim like that.

- I mean, have you had her yet?

- Calm down.

Have you been up there?

Gone down there? She any good, is she?

Give us it back!

- Go and get it.

- Get it your bloody self!

Push him, come on, push him.

That's it. Hold him down.

Keep him down!

Come on, lads, don't let him get away.

Here you are. They're quite dry now.

No good?

You see, it's the same

every night in winter.

It never starts on its own.

One of these days,

I'm really going to give her one.

- What?

- That girl Susan.

Right, Mike, you jump in

the driving seat and I'll push.

Release the clutch very slowly,

once we're going at a bit of a lick...

Do you know how many people

have laid her?

Yes, sir, can I help you?

It's all right,

I've already talked to the manager.

Oh, great, it's these.

Did you read about these?

- Can I have one to put in my room?

- Yes, of course.

Oh, thanks, great. Oh, fantastic.

Did you see it in the paper?

- Hmm?

- What does it say?

It's that thing from

the Family Planning Association.

The Pregnant Man.

I think it's a good idea.

- Gives you quite a shock, doesn't it?

- Stupid. It's completely stupid.

- Cheerio.

- Bye.

- What is it? Why is it stupid?

- Because a man can never get pregnant.

That's hardly the point.

The point is to shock.

It makes you look at it

and then you think about...

Perhaps I ought to think about...

About what? The whole thing's stupid.

How can a man ever be like that?

You can tell... You can see that...

- Come here, sit.

- No, look.

- You can see it's just a cushion...

- Shut up.

- What?

- Sit down.

Put your feet up here.

Move the pig. Put your feet up.

Lie back. Just relax.

- Just relax. Just relax.

- Sue...

Try to relax. Lie down.

- Susan, it's just a poster.

- See, fantastic.

You can't be playing around with it.

Susan, stop it.

- Susan.

- Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

I've got a better idea.

- What if a customer came in?

- Hey, hey, stop it.

Now I'll be arrested for defacing

government property or something.

Defacing, get it? Deface...

Lie down, Mike.

Oh, that's fantastic.

- Is it?

- Yeah, it's really good.

It's very good. Yeah, you're all right.

Can you feel it kicking?

- What?

- The baby, silly.

There you go. Stand up.

- Yeah, that's not bad.

- Yeah?

Would you be more careful

if it was you that got pregnant?

What?

Would you be more careful

if it was you that got pregnant?

Hmm?

- Mike?

- I...

I can't be more careful

than I am at the moment.

What do you mean?

I just mean, that I...

- I've never... I've never...

- Never? Really?

- No.

- Why not? Don't you want to?

Yeah, yeah, of course I want to.

It's not like some of these people...

- Don't get embarrassed.

- ...always going round with girls...

You're all red, Mike.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

- Why should I be embarrassed?

- No, you're quite red.

- Look, maybe I should...

- Nothing to be embarrassed about.

You always go all silly

when I talk about sex.

- No, I don't. No, I don't.

- You do.

Would you fancy it with...

Do you think if...

the cashier?

- Don't joke.

- I'm not joking.

You'll have to stay late one night.

And you'll see her

lonely, voluptuous figure

standing, waiting for you.

Hmm?

Look, Susan, don't joke

about these things, okay?

I'm not joking. Give us a kiss.

Give us a kiss.

Eh? Mike?

Um...

- You know what, Sue?

- What?

I could see you home tonight,

if you want me to.

You know what?

My fianc is picking me up tonight.

Nice weather for ducks, isn't it?

Oh, I don't want to see this.

- Why not?

- Oh, it's silly. It's dirty.

You're not going to have one of your

moodies again, are you? Come on.

- Two eight and sixes, please.

- 17 shillings, sir.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Oh, and a pack of

those chocolate things.

Treats?

- Thanks.

- Thank you, sir.

Oh, there are surprises,

even in sexual life.

According to my latest findings

a woman has 3,267

erogenic zones.

So...

Good evening.

There are many misleading theories

about the subject of women

who are so-called frigid.

Books have been filled on the subject.

Many, many books.

But these are pseudo-scientific studies.

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion

that there are no frigid women.

Take your knickers off.

Yes, and it all depends on you.

When properly manipulated, dear friend.

Scientifically speaking.

Excited?

Fondled?

You can prepare your sexual partner

to the highest level

of sexual satisfaction.

What's up?

- This bloody bastard's touching me up.

- What?

Shh!

- I'll get the manager.

- Yeah.

Sue, Sue, you know it's me.

It's only a joke.

Sit down.

- Yeah, that's him.

- Sir?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

At your age.

- Shh!

- Should I get the police?

- Do you want to charge him?

- Do you want to charge him?

Of course I want to charge him.

- She wants to charge him.

- I'll get the police.

Well, get the police! Go on, then.

All right. All right.

- Move up.

- Shh. Do sit down.

You're making a bloody fool of me.

- What's the matter with you?

- Shut up.

For Christ's sake, bloody move up.

Right, what's going on?

Shut the bloody door.

- That's him.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes