Defending Your Life Page #3

You know what you might try?

Get over to the Past Lives Pavilion.

What is that?

It's where you see

the people you've been before.

You see yourself in other lives?

Most people love it,

but some it makes nauseous.

Don't worry about it.

Take care.

Want to take that chicken with you?

They love putting things in bags.

If you need to talk to me at any time,

just call.

-I never sleep.

-Never?

I do have a question.

I'll call you later.

You're already checked in. You have

nothing to worry about tonight.

Everything will be explained to you

in the morning.

If I told you how old this man was,

you wouldn't believe me.

Should I tell them?

We're talking light years.

Light years. He looks good though.

No prostate, but he looks fine.

You're looking at me like stunned sheep.

Come on!

What is this, a white sale?

I'm going to tell you a story.

About a year ago,

this Little Brain comes in here.

I'm talking...

...half a percent of his brain at the most.

He orders a piece of pie,

he forgets what it is.

He looks down, doesn't know what it is.

It's a piece of pie.

I say, "What are you doing?"

He says, "I'm waiting to make a call."

I say, "Does that look like a phone?"

He says, "It is a phone."

The joke is on me.

He picked up the pie and called his mother!

Folks, come on, please.

Stay with me here.

You're on trial, not me.

-Hi. What's your name?

-Arthur.

-Hi, Arthur? Where were you from?

-Denver.

-Lovely city, Denver, Arthur. Did you ski?

-No.

No.

-How'd you die?

-I was in a coma.

I'm sorry. How long were you in a coma?

I really don't know.

Let's play a game.

-Elvis. Living or dead?

-Living.

Long coma, Art.

Long coma.

Have a nice day.

-What's your name?

-Ernie.

Hi. Having a good time in Judgment City?

It's fun. The food's good.

It is. Have you been to the stables?

Like to horseback ride?

Not very much.

There's a nice-looking young man.

Hi. How'd you die?

On stage, like you.

Funny. Maybe you should come up here.

No, thank you.

Of course, he doesn't want to.

This is very hard work, but I love it.

And I love you, Little Brains.

Have you heard any Little Brain jokes?

I know you, right?

I hope so. Who are you?

-I'm Julia.

-Hi. I'm Daniel.

-You know me?

-I thought I did.

You weren't in the bus, were you?

-What bus?

-I hit a bus.

No. I don't think so.

Sit down.

I'm sorry, you really look...

-...so familiar to me.

-Really?

Maybe because I'm the only man

under 100.

That could be it.

I want to tell you a true story.

Three months ago,

six dead people came in.

Obviously, humor has nothing to do

with brain size.

Obviously.

Do you want to take a walk

or do you want to stay and see the show?

I have to. That's my dad.

I'm kidding.

-That would be so sad for me.

-Awful.

So, the moral of the story is,

if you got to fart, go outside.

Let's go.

Folks, please.

-Please, you don't want to miss the song.

-We'll get the record.

Please.

Ed and I'd like to do a beautiful song.

One of your favorites.

We'll do it a bit different.

This is from me...

...to you.

"That was life

"That's how you lived it

"And now you Little Brains

are here to defend it"

I'm glad we stayed.

Let's go.

"You'll do just swell and if not

"You'll go to hell" Just kidding!

-What's that?

-What?

I don't believe you.

You'll make a great baby in the next life.

Didn't anyone ever tell you,

you carry yourself very stiffly?

Leave me alone. I'm dead.

-How many days are you looking at?

-My lawyer says nine.

-You call him a "Iawyer"?

-What do you call yours?

Sam.

You call him by his first name?

It never occurred to me to do that.

I bet you called everybody

by their first names.

What was your butcher's name?

Pete.

-What about your mailman?

-Jesse. What was your mailman's name?

No idea.

He was coming to my house

for over a decade and I couldn't tell you.

-Didn't you get him a Christmas present?

-Liquor. I just put it in the box.

-I don't suppose you had a butcher?

-Steve.

-Steve Rubin.

-Seriously?

He wasn't a professional butcher.

He was a buddy who liked to cut meat.

You'd bring him a steak, he'd cut it.

-How many days are you looking at?

-Four.

That's all?

That means you'll go on.

I hope so.

-Sam thinks so.

-Sam does?

Yeah.

I hope you and Sam are very happy.

I'll write to you from hell.

I like this.

-Were you married?

-Yes.

-Children?

-No.

What about you?

I had a girl and I adopted a boy.

How old were they?

Stephanie was 7 and Adam was 9.

I bet they miss you.

I'm sure they do.

I miss them.

But I feel okay about it. Don't you?

I didn't know them that well.

It does, it feels okay.

They say they make it that way so we

can look at our lives without distractions.

My lawyer Bob told me the same thing.

But wouldn't you call this...

...a distraction?

-But isn't eating all you want a distraction?

-Isn't it the best?

I had a dream that I'd go to a place

where I could eat all I want...

...and now I'm here!

You dreamed about this place?

I was dreaming

about the Sizzler near my house.

What about your husband?

Did you have a good marriage?

Parts of it were okay.

What about your wife?

I got married too young.

-How old were you?

-Seventy-one.

-What did she look like?

-Very pretty. Too pretty.

You should be with a person who's just

good-looking enough to turn you on.

Any excess brings problems.

She was much prettier than I needed.

Never heard that theory before.

So you like your lawyer?

He's brilliant.

You know how big his brain is?

I came from a world filled with penis envy

to a world of brain envy.

How big is his brain?

-What's this?

-It's my hotel.

-This is your hotel?

-Yeah. Where are you staying?

At the place for people who weren't

generous and didn't adopt anybody.

I'm at the Continental. Come over one day.

We'll paint it.

Tomorrow after the trials,

do you want to have dinner?

I can't tomorrow.

-You can't?

-No, I'm sorry.

You can't have plans here already?

Should I call you in two weeks?

Sam is having a small dinner party.

He said there'd be very smart people there

and asked me to go.

Sam again.

I hope you're not dating your defender.

I know in my heart it's wrong.

I'll call you after the dinner.

We can talk on the phone.

It'll give me time to have sex

with my prosecutor.

Good luck tomorrow.

Good night.

Champagne and caviar now being served

in the Blue Room.

Daniel! Right here!

How are you feeling, buddy?

Doing all right? Let's go.

-Nervous?

-No. Should I be?

I wouldn't be.

-What did you do last night?

-I met this amazing woman.

You met a girl? You're kidding me!

What are you laughing at?

It just sounds funny.

Two days after the car accident

and you're in love.

I've done this a million times

and every time it feels like new.

Here we are.

Ready?

Hello, Robert.

Well, well. If it isn't my old friend.

I heard we lost last Thursday.

-Leave it to you to greet me with that.

-Turnabout's fair play.

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