Definitely, Maybe Page #6

That's very interesting, Dad,

but what about girlfriends?

- What about Mom?

- Well, I started dating again.

- But nothing serious.

- What about April? What happened to her?

Well, a week after Kurt Cobain died,

she broke up with her boyfriend.

She went traveling.

She traveled all over the world,

just like she always dreamed of doing.

And she says

that it was because of something

that I said to her on her birthday.

Anyway, we started writing postcards.

We started writing letters.

And before I knew it, even though

we were separated by entire worlds,

we became great friends.

It was 1994,

and New York was full of new life.

More jobs, more money.

That was the start of the Internet.

And overnight, everyone in Manhattan

had a cell phone.

Can you hear me now?

Which they never put down.

And then, our old boss, Arthur Robredo

gave Russell and me our first big break.

- This just came for you.

- Thanks.

I had finally made it inside the room.

- Gareth.

- Hayes.

Good morning.

Hey, let's get this party started.

What's the word from upstate?

For the first time,

New York was coming to me,

instead of the other way around.

"The most endangered species in our nation

"isn't a big woodpecker

or some freshwater fish.

"It's the tongue in our heads!

"Listen to the truncated

bastard language of today.

"The average vocabulary is a third

of what it was 100 years ago.

"Words fall out of our mouths

and die at our feet!

"The landscape of vocabulary

is being hacked down

"and grubbed up by the dribble

of pop culture,

"poisoned by lazy obscenity..."

Will?

"... infantilized by

a youth-obsessed media..."

- Hey.

- Hey.

It's my favorite man-boy.

You look very manly.

Well, thank you, thank you. That's the aim.

- How's Emily?

- Emily.

She's starring in

somebody else's diary now.

Oh.

- How's the Professor?

- The Professor is wonderful.

- He's funny.

- He dumped me for a sophomore.

Told me it was for my own good.

Everybody seems to be

using that line these days.

What have you been up to?

I'm writing these really dumb items

for New York Magazine.

Waiting for my big break.

"And 'syntax' isn't

what Nevada brothels pay the IRS."

- I'm gonna go listen to the Professor.

- Sure.

Nice glasses.

"Listen to your kids if you can."

Thank you.

- Scotch, rocks, please.

William Hayes!

From... Don't tell me!

Wisconsin! Yes, the Cheese State.

Very nice of you

to come to our little shindig.

- I'll have another, please.

- Pleasure.

Yeah. Summer tells me you're writing

speeches now for Arthur Robredo?

- She tells me you're dating a sophomore.

- No. Actually, it's two freshmen,

which, on a good day,

add up to a sophomore, I suppose.

Walk with me. Why would you

wanna work for a hack like Arthur Robredo?

As I recall from our first encounter,

you're a man of principles and ideals, even.

Don't tell me you're just another

yuppie puppy in an Armani suit.

You were wonderful, darling.

Is he being nice? You being nice?

- Nice? Yeah, he can handle himself.

- Sure, I can handle myself.

First of all, Arthur Robredo is not a hack.

He's worked his way up from the streets.

He was a cop, an entrepreneur.

He's a putz.

This is exactly what my book is about.

Here. Read it. It's free.

Beauty, ideals,

love don't mean squat anymore.

- It's all about power and money.

- I've read every single one of your books,

and you're completely obsessed

with power and money.

That's because he doesn't have any.

Right, babe?

Babe, I am about the love.

- As you know.

- Yes.

That's why you keep me around.

To keep that rampant,

rapacious ambition of yours in check.

I have a thought.

Why don't you use that newly acquired

scintilla of power and influence

to get Summer here

to write an article about your man Robredo?

That way Summer gets a break,

and you get the word out.

- What do you get, Hampton?

- Yeah.

I guess it's the love. More of the love.

Yeah, that's what I'm about.

More love.

I knew Summer would be back.

- Did you?

You know what? At first,

I didn't want Summer to be my mom.

But now I'm kinda liking her.

Did you ask her out on a date?

Uh-uh.

I wanted to, but I couldn't

'cause she was writing the article.

- Wow. This is pretty good.

- Will, this is really good.

Are you sure

it didn't seem like a puff piece?

No, it's perfect. It's absolutely...

You know, there's one part, though,

that kind of bothered me.

"William Hayes,

"Robredo's chief speech writer,

is both intense and boyishly handsome."

- Boyishly? I mean...

- Yeah.

You know, I originally wrote,

"William Hayes has seductive eyes

and the intriguing looks of someone

"whose clothes you wanna rip

from his very body,"

but the editor made me change it.

There's just no room for truth in journalism.

Did you always want to be a journalist?

No. Until I was 16, I wanted to be an actress.

I wanted to sing on Broadway.

Wow. Really?

Yeah, really. Is that hard to believe?

Well, aren't actresses needy and emotional

and, you know, insecure?

That sort of thing.

What are you saying? That I don't need?

That I don't have emotions?

- I'm an incredibly needy person.

- I'm not saying that.

- I'm a very needy person.

- You know what I'm saying?

I'm saying I would love to hear a song.

- I'm sorry?

- Give us a song.

- You want me to sing you a song?

- Why not?

- You have a favorite?

- Yes.

- You do?

- Yeah.

Okay.

How glad the many millions

Of Timothys and Williams would be

- I'm a William.

- Don't interrupt.

To capture me

But you had such persistence

You wore down my resistance

I fell

And it was swell

Wow.

Will you please put it on?

You know, it really isn't so bad.

You know what the funny part is?

It's $1,000.

I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie

Frank Sinatra, Linda Ronstadt.

- Why?

- A whole bunch of these.

Well, if you look on the back,

they all have one common song, which is...

- I've Got A Crush On You.

- Every one of them.

- How's it going?

- Still got a lot to do.

Yeah, me, too.

- Yeah, I'm about done.

- Yeah, me, too.

The world will pardon my mush

'Cause I've got a crush, my baby, on...

Was I snoring?

Uh-uh.

You know what I've never done?

What?

I've never spent the whole day in bed

with a really great guy.

Me, neither.

I'm serious.

I always think of something

more important to do.

I'm a workaholic.

It's really bad.

Will you spend

the whole day in bed with me?

We do nothing.

Oh.

Hi, this is Summer. Please leave a message,

and I will call you back.

This is Dr. Levenstein

from the Columbia Presbyterian

emergency room. We have...

Emergency room? Hello?

- Mr. Roth has had an aortal rupture.

- What does that mean exactly?

Think of it like a tire blowing out

on the highway

after going too fast for way too long.

How's that, Mr. Roth? Are you comfortable?

I make a living.

Come on, sweetheart, give me a smile.

I've waited my whole life to do that joke.

Poor Hampton.

Ow!

Summer's come.

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