Definitely, Maybe Page #7

- What's he doing here?

- Hello, Hampton.

Hello.

One thing they've left intact.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

don't mention grassroots.

Don't mention osmosis.

It's killing me

that you're going out with the kid.

Really? It's not the booze

or the cigarettes or the sophomores?

- That has nothing to do with this.

- Nothing to do with it.

Listen, I want you to know

I've donated my organs to medical science

except for one, which is for you.

- Sweetie, that's so kind.

- No, no, not that.

My heart, stupid.

Please tell me you're not in love with him.

I can't do that.

Can I have a cigarette?

Just a dying man's last request.

Not happening.

God, you're such a drama queen.

Nobody's dying.

What do you care

if I'm in love with him, huh?

You're the one who set us up, remember?

Yeah, well, I kind of figured

you'd chew him up and spit him out.

You're such a sweetie.

You're a sweet guy, you know that?

- I read the Robredo piece.

- Yeah.

The guy's been in New York politics

for over 20 years

and all you can dig up

is that his daughter had an eating disorder?

What are you saying, Hampton?

Do your job.

I can't believe

we're finally gonna meet the President.

- Look at that.

- Look at it.

We've come a long way

from that hotel room on 8th Avenue.

Thank you very much.

I don't believe it! I don't believe it!

Which idiot forgot to check the menus

and the programs?

There's no union seal

on the menus or the programs.

Are you serious?

The hotel workers won't let anybody

into the building.

The Teamsters

won't set up the satellite feed!

Has anyone seen Robert Klein?

I was with him like an hour ago.

Now he's gone.

I think he was completely plastered.

How are we supposed to know

where Robert Klein is?

You're not gonna believe this,

but there's a hailstorm in Chicago.

Who cares about Chicago?

We do.

The President's coming in from Chicago.

- Okay, okay.

- We can't worry about that right now.

Let me ask you a question.

How could you let this happen?

- What? What are you talking about?

- Why are you jumping down her throat?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Guys, guys, guys, guys, hey!

Hey, deep breath, okay?

Look, let's just ask the hotel,

see if we can use the Internet connection

and find a printer.

- I'll call Klein's agent.

- Great.

Gareth, have a drink.

You, I don't know who you are,

but your fly's down.

Be great if you wore underwear.

I'm gonna go check the weather in Chicago.

Table seven's up. Six pasta. Two fish.

Get it out the door, now!

He may not be in your union,

but he still happens to be

the President of the United States.

Remember him? So if I was you,

- I'd get your men off that truck and in this...

- Gareth!

You can't talk to a Teamster like that!

Come on.

- This guy...

- Everything's gonna be fine.

Look, look, check it out.

I downloaded a copy of the union seal.

If you could just please

paste it onto a menu,

make 500 copies, use a union shop.

We're gonna be home free, here.

Copies? You want me to make copies?

Well, at some point, we all make copies.

Your time is now.

That's not funny, Hayes. That's very...

Yeah, that's real mature.

Where are you going?

I'm walking! Back in half an hour.

What a dick.

- Yeah.

- William Hayes?

Speaking.

I'm watching you right now.

And I know all about you

and your friend Robredo.

In fact, I know so much,

I could bring you both down.

Really?

- Who am I speaking with?

- Why don't we meet, and you'll find out?

- Where are you?

- I'm close by.

I don't have a lot of experience with

whatever this is.

You're getting warm.

You're hot.

You're hot.

You are so hot!

I got you!

I thought you were gone

through the summer.

No, I thought so, too,

but this crazy thing happened.

I mean, I was camping

on this beautiful beach in Crete

with all these really cool people,

and there was this guy that I liked, Paco,

brooding and sexy,

monosyllabic and totally my type.

One night I'm dancing with Paco

and he kisses me,

- an incredible, deep kiss.

- Spare me the details.

- And what do I do?

- I don't know. What'd you do?

I start crying.

- I mean, tears are rolling down my cheeks...

- Of course you start crying.

...which he doesn't notice 'cause, of course,

his hands are all over my body,

which felt nice,

which made me feel even more upset,

'cause in a flash

I saw our entire relationship,

from present to future tense.

I mean, the incredibly hot start, with Paco

basking in my love and admiration...

- What are we doing here?

- I just got to pick something up.

Just take a second.

And then the inevitable moment,

and I don't know why it...

- Hello.

- Hi.

I don't know why it happens,

but it always does,

when all that love and admiration

would start to irritate him

and he'd find some way to hurt me.

I mean, sure, after, he'd be sorry.

So...

I decided to unlock his beautiful lips

from mine,

remove his hand from my ass,

- and I walked away.

- Good move.

- I walked away, Will! From Paco!

- Good move.

- No one walks away from Paco!

- I like the story.

And it felt life-changing.

And I realized I had to tell someone.

When I realized who that person was,

- it was so unexpected.

- Here we are, sir.

It's like when something is staring you

in the face

and it's like you're too blind to see it.

What's that?

I have some news for you, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why are you so upset?

Don't you think it's a little weird we've been

writing each other for however long

and somehow you neglect to tell me that,

A, you've fallen in love,

and, B, you've fallen in love!

- I told you I was dating someone.

- Dating someone.

You just bought

a diamond engagement ring for someone!

I'm sorry.

I think I was just nervous to tell you.

Why would you be nervous to tell me?

I don't know.

I love this girl so much.

I'd just really like you to be happy for me.

I can be happy for you.

Of course I can be happy for you.

Poor April.

She's like the character in the story

who's always been the friend.

Then she realized

she doesn't just want to be the friend.

She wants to be the girlfriend,

except it's too late.

What do you mean?

Weren't you listening?

She came home for you.

There's union seals

on all the menus, my friend.

The weather cleared in Chicago.

The President will be here by 8:00.

Where's Russ?

Gonna meet you and Arthur

in the restaurant.

I'm funnier over here.

I can't stop my leg

You're early.

Good to see you.

- You look great.

- Thank you. You, too.

- That's a nice tie.

- Well, you'd know.

So, the magazine asked me

to do a follow-up on Robredo.

- Great.

- Yeah, it is great. It's also...

It's...

You just read it.

- You already wrote it.

- Yeah.

- He did this?

- Yes.

They actually got a friend an early parole.

You know what?

I think it happened such a long time ago,

and you're way ahead in all the polls.

Yeah, see, I don't think that's gonna matter,

because he's the tough-on-crime Democrat.

That's...

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