Definitely, Maybe Page #8

When people read this...

Summer, listen to me.

If you hand this in, we won't survive it.

I think it'll be a big deal for about a week,

and then the storm will pass...

I'm talking about you and me.

"Candidate Brought Down

by Speechwriter's Girlfriend."

- Come on.

- I'm just doing my job.

I didn't do it the first time around.

And if I didn't write this,

somebody else would.

Let them.

Hey, don't hand this in, okay?

You already did.

Mr. Arthur...

Yeah, sure.

I really liked Summer.

I can't believe

she turned out to be such a...

- Heartbreaker?

- No.

- Opportunist? Double-crossing...

- Uh-uh.

- B*tch.

- Maya.

How could she do that to you?

It's like she said. If she didn't write it,

someone else would have.

And it was the truth.

So did she? Did she break it?

What?

What happened when the article came out?

You screwed up, man.

You really screwed up.

Please save it.

I don't need to hear this right now.

Whenever I figure out whatever

I'm supposed to learn from all this,

- I'll write you a letter!

- Yeah, can't wait.

So I lost my girl,

I lost my job, and I lost my friend.

And for a long time,

nothing seemed to matter.

But I wasn't the only one with problems.

I did not have

sexual relations with that woman,

Miss Lewinsky.

I never told anybody to lie.

- Hello?

- Are you watching?

These allegations are false.

April?

Yeah, April. Who'd you think it was?

Are you watching or not?

Of course I'm watching.

You think he did it, don't you?

I don't think, I know.

Look at the picture of her. I love her.

She's so his type.

So, what took you so long

to finally call me back there, red?

I thought I lost you.

- Feels like years.

- I'm calling you now, aren't I?

Yeah.

How are you? What's doing?

I got a new roommate, Olivia.

And I'm working at a bookstore.

But I've been thinking about

going back to school.

Cool.

Hey, did I tell you that I hate my job?

I used to love what I do,

and now I feel like a complete hack.

- Are you seeing anyone?

- Me? Am I... No, no. Absolutely not.

In fact, I haven't had sex

since Clinton was re-elected.

Why bother? He's having enough sex

for the entire country.

Easy. Easy now.

Hey, maybe you should

follow his lead and seduce an intern.

You know, it's funny

that you should mention that.

There's a fetching young intern

who just started a week ago.

Great. Ask her out.

I should, shouldn't I?

But I don't think I will.

You see, I don't want a fling.

I want the real deal.

Forget about the real deal.

You don't find it, it finds you.

What does that mean?

I don't know what that means.

It means that you get to a certain age

and then you're ready.

You know, you're ready for kids

or a commitment or, you know...

- Sir.

...a mortgage.

- Table's ready. Okay.

- Thanks.

You know what I mean?

And the person that you're with then,

they become the one.

So you're saying it's not who, but it's when.

- Exactly.

- Okay. All right.

So there's never been a guy, ever,

that made you think, "This is it.

"This is him. This is the one."

No.

Okay, then why aren't you out there,

you know, enjoying yourself?

I am.

- You are?

- Yes.

Right now I'm seeing this guy, Kevin.

- Kevin.

- Kevin.

Who the hell's Kevin?

Where did... How come you never,

you know, mentioned anything about him?

I'm mentioning him now.

Oh, God! They have fresh mint tea.

I love fresh mint tea.

I love beer.

It depends upon

what the meaning of the word "is" is.

If it means "there is none"

that is a completely true statement.

Hey, this is April.

I want to talk to you about your birthday.

Call me.

Hello. I hope this is the right number.

It sounds like you.

It's Emily!

I'm in New York, and I was thinking

maybe we could get a cup of coffee

and catch up.

My number...

Hey, it's April. I still need to talk to you.

Please call me back.

I mean, don't make me come over there

and hurt you.

Okay, I'm coming!

God, I'm coming.

Yeah, I get it.

What are you doing in there?

- Is this what you're wearing?

- What?

It's your birthday party.

Everybody is waiting for you.

Oh, Christ.

Five minutes, okay? Five...

I'm down.

- Are you okay?

Yeah. I just need to lie here for a sec.

I see you've been eating noodles.

Hey, everybody, he's here!

Thanks.

Hi.

Oh, my God! I didn't think you'd be here!

I couldn't miss your birthday.

We came all the way up from Washington.

Happy birthday, gorgeous.

That is a beautiful woman right there.

You had your chance, pal.

Hayes.

Come on.

- It's great to see you.

- Yeah. You look...

Homeless, I know.

- Where's Kelly?

- She's right over there.

It's her first night out

since the baby was born.

Congratulations.

Iran-Contra. Arms for oil, no problem.

But a little "oralness"

and you're headed for impeachment.

- No politics!

- Maybe he should be impeached.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! Did he say that?

- Why not? I put my faith in him. We all did.

- You love him.

I thought he was gonna be different

than the other jokers,

but this guy,

he can't even define the word "is."

What happens if they give him

one of the hard words, like "truth"?

- I'd vote for him again.

- In a heartbeat.

Will's a lot of fun.

Yeah, let's fill up the tub

and drop in a toaster.

That should be a good time.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Will

- Where is he? Where's Will?

- I don't know. I was just talking to him.

You missed your birthday cake.

Uh-oh.

- And I baked it.

- You baked it.

Do you remember that song?

In your apartment?

Come as you are, as a friend

As a known enemy

- "Memory," not "enemy."

- I know, I know, I know.

- Somebody had too much to drink.

- No, I didn't.

I didn't, I didn't. I didn't.

- Yes, you did.

- I did.

- God, you're beautiful.

- Thank you.

What?

The thing is...

The thing is...

Is that I like you.

I've always liked you.

"Like."

That's pathetic. It's so puny.

"Love" on the other hand...

You'd run away from a word like that.

I love you.

I'm in love with you, April.

- Why didn't you ever tell me?

- Come on.

You know exactly why I never told you.

You'd never be interested in me.

You're an idiot.

- Stop.

- What?

- Not like this.

- Like what?

Look at you, Will, you're a mess.

Why couldn't you have told me

when you had your sh*t together?

- My sh*t is together.

- Your sh*t is a mess.

You're a mess.

My sh*t is a mess?

That's interesting, coming from you, April.

You could do anything on earth,

and you work in a bookstore.

What's that all about?

At least I tried. I went out there and I tried.

Look, I'm just saying this as a friend,

and I swear, it's just as a friend,

but maybe you should go out there

and, you know, get some help.

Go to rehab or life rehab

or something like that.

I don't even know if they have

that sort of thing, but if they did...

Okay.

...you know, you could be

a prime candidate for that.

- I should go to "life rehab"?

- Yeah.

Get off my front porch!

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