Deidra & Laney Rob a Train

1

You gotta hook me up.

I need the answers for chemistry.

- Yeah, no, it's totally fine.

- I just need to pass my class.

Okay, so, uh, chemistry?

Yeah. The test is tomorrow.

- It's gonna be 30.

- You're killing me with these prices.

Well, you know, last minute costs double.

I don't know.

Do you wanna pass or not?

I'm the one that can give you an A.

- No!

- Oh, my gosh!

Those are bad for the baby.

Jet! Come on. No, we're done.

- But I wasn't done with that.

- I don't care.

Please get dressed. We have to go.

I did not hit on your boyfriend.

You need to back up!

- I was watching that.

- Yeah, I'm still finishing my homework.

I get the TV for two hours.

That's the rule.

- Where are we going?

- Christ, Laney! Where are his pants?

You promised Mom

you'd pick her up this morning.

You know what? Now I'm tutoring

Maverick Bowman in chemistry.

And I have an English paper,

and I have to finish

my scholarship application by Friday.

I can't keep carting her around

just because she wrecked her car!

It's out of the shop in a few days.

Please. Force Jet into some pants

and make yourself useful.

All right, b*tch.

What did you say?

I just mean I think that tone-wise,

you can be kind of a b*tch.

My toys! My toys!

- Stop! Jet, no! Get back here!

- My toys!

No! No! No!

- Okay!

- Oh, my God.

- Is that Mom?

- You don't want any of it.

- No, back up.

- Oh, my God.

- Put the Tasers down. I got this.

- Go home, Carlos, go home!

Okay. It's okay.

- I'm gonna hit you with this.

- Whoa! Hey. Back up, back up.

Let's put the TV down, all right?

Everything's gonna be fine.

Nothing is ever

gonna be fine again.

- Get away from me!

- Back up, back up.

Back up, back up, back up.

- We'll fix it, all right? Look, it's me.

- No! We can't fix it!

This is it. This is it. This is happening.

This... This is who I am! Oh, my God!

Don't do it! No!

- Goddamn it!

- Oh, no you don't!

- Oh, no, you don't!

- Watch her head.

- Oh, man.

- Stop it!

- Get off my mom!

- Stop!

- Mom!

- Stop it!

Freedom! Freedom!

So I asked the public defender,

"Why is my mom's bail so high?"

And he said that Good Buy is calling it

an act of domestic terrorism.

But they don't think that really.

I mean, I think they just get

a bigger insurance payment

if they call it terrorism.

The public defender said

that you're not talking to him.

But he's patient. And he has, like,

a lot of other cases to keep him busy.

Would you shut up?

We need to get her serious.

- We need to get her right, look at her.

- You know what's great

about being in here? I mean, great.

I get to choose

between kitchen or laundry.

One or the other. Yeah.

I mean... I gotta tell you guys,

chopping carrots just...

- It's therapeutic. It's, um... zen.

- That's...

- That's great.

- Yes! Oh, get this.

Did you guys know there's a law

in this state

that says they have to serve salad

with every single meal in jail?

Every meal has a salad. Yeah, salad law!

- Do you have a playground?

- I do.

And you know what? Mommy's doing yoga.

I'm surprisingly flexible.

- I've always wanted to try...

- You know what? Enough, enough.

I really hope that you are coming up

with a good excuse

as to why you went all Rambo

on a Good Buy store.

Baby, I gotta tell you something.

That fact that you are taking

such good care of this family

while I am away, it makes me feel so...

relaxed.

- You know what?

- Hey!

What's going on over here?

Let's go. Jet, get off of Mom's lap.

She's incarcerated.

- Ice cream.

- You gotta let go of Mommy.

- Hey!

- Okay, okay.

You would take me as your own

Make you mine

Standing next to me...

- Right here.

- Yeah, her mom robbed Good Buy.

Yeah, totally flipped out.

Hey, how's your mom doing?

Always gets this way...

That's that girl

with the crazy mom.

She's so pathetic.

Say cheese.

Deidra?

Deidra? Do you care to join us?

Uh...

You've only just missed Taylor here

making the case

for genetic determinism

by citing that he comes

from three generations of people

who can smell fear.

I'm hoping for a more cogent

and scientific argument from you. Please.

Um...

Free will versus determinism.

Free will,

is that not the basic requirement

for human consciousness?

I mean, the fact that humanity continues

to make scientific

and artistic progress proves

that we are not simply repeating

choices imposed by genetics

or environment.

Well said.

Deidra Tanner, please report

- to Ms. Spencer's office.

- Go ahead.

- Deidra Tanner, Ms. Spencer's office.

- So much for free will, right?

Deidra Tanner, my favorite student.

Let me read you something.

"I wanna go to any college that's

at least a two-day drive

from this goddamn hillbilly town."

You wrote that,

on your college intent form.

And you are the one and only senior

in your entire class

who actually has the grades to do that.

So why did you miss ten days

in the last three weeks?

I wasn't keeping count.

And what about your scholarship deadline?

I had the recommendation letter ready

to go. I'm serious.

Deidra, what do you wanna be?

- What... what do I wanna be?

- Yeah.

You do realize that for thousands of years

of human history,

the question, "What do you want to be"

didn't exist?

No Mesopotamian farmer

asked his son, "What do you wanna be?"

- I mean, you just be'd what you were.

- Well, you're "being" stupid.

Thinking like that is quicksand

and you know it.

Deidra Tanner does not feel stuck.

Deidra Tanner feels fierce.

I know you're applying

to transfer schools.

Okay... I, uh... is that...

Does everyone know that?

Okay, yes, that is true.

That is true,

if I get one student into a college

that does not have the word

"community" in the title,

I could possibly get to teach

at a inner city school

that's much... nicer than this one.

But that does not mean I don't care

about the students here at this school.

You deserve to get out.

We deserve to get out.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I need you to get desperate!

Do you know, in prison,

they serve a salad with every meal?

Why don't we have that?

Would you come to school for salad?

I'll bring you a salad.

I'll get you any salad you want.

Do you want, like, a Caesar salad?

A chicken salad? Taco salad?

She's like a taco salad kind of girl.

- Don't look at that.

- Phones away!

Laney, eye contact.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Could you repeat the question?

I'll answer while she thinks.

I would choose to meet Mary Tyler Moore.

Because she used her television roles

to bring America smart, independent women.

- And she is why I wanna be an actress.

- Wow, Claire, that was perfect.

I would meet Taylor Swift.

No way, that was my answer.

- No way.

- No way.

- Laney?

- Uh...

George Washington?

- Shut up.

- All right. Let's take five.

And when I come back,

I will announce the finalists.

Laney, I really liked

your George Washington answer.

You know what? You're much smarter

than all these airheads.

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