Deliver Us from Eva

You know when a funeral

is really awful?

When it's yours.

That's me, Ray Adams-

young, gifted and dead.

These are my remains.

And these three

mournful brothers,

they're the men who killed me.

Aw, they look so sad,

don't they?

But this is how

they really feel.

But they're not

the real reason I'm dead.

These are their women.

Fine, ain't they?

Some families

are blessed with great genes,

and the Dandridge sisters

had it all.

But they're not the reason

I'm dead either. She is.

How did this sweet-faced woman

cause a man to die?

Well, it began six months ago.

Go! Go! Go!

- Now Howard comes up the middle,

- breaks the tackle and gets the first down.

Hey, baby, that's really nice of you,

sweetie, but we already have some food here.

- What are you doing in here?

- Trying to watch the game that's right behind you.

My book club is meeting

in here tonight.

Baby, remember when we

talked last month?

You said it was okay

if we watched the game.

Oh, yeah. Eva changed all that.

She was supposed to tell you.

- Well, she didn't.

- Hey, it's the men. What are you doing here?

Are you joining our book club?

It's gonna be very enlightening.

Sweetness, precious,

listen.

Would it be okay, you know, if you

could take it in the other room?

- Because we're all settled in.

- Yeah, the other room.

- Well, I guess we could.

- You got a great girl!

I love you, baby.

No! No, we cannot!

Oh, yeah- Oh.

Michael, Timothy, Darrell.

Our book club

is reading Beloved,

and we're gonna need the television

to watch the film when we're done.

Oh, yeah, that's right,

honey. We need the room.

You did not tell me you wanted

to use the room in my house, Eva.

Well, I'm telling you

right now, Timothy.

And it is half

my sister's house too.

Community property.

See, 'cause I want Kareenah to make

a good impression on the book club.

Don't you?

No!

- Excuse me?

- Yes.

Look, we were

here first, Eva.

Yes, but certainly the temporal

proximity of our advents...

isn't determinative, is it?

- I'll get back to you on that one.

- Yeah.

Do you know what

she just said right there?

- You don't get to me with your $50 words, Eva.

- That's right.

What would you say if I

demanded you to leave this room?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would say I find your particular

brand of crack very amusing.

This isn't about a book...

versus a football game, fellas.

Oh, no. This is about men

versus women.

Women who aspire to culture...

and men who aspire

to scratch themselves.

Women who bear the burdens in life

and men who create those burdens.

Women who uplift humanity

and men who uplift lap dances.

If society were left

to the whims of men,

we'd still be in caves carving

pictures with our non-opposable thumbs.

So, today, gentlemen,

is the day

for civilized behavior.

Today we women raise our voices against

tyranny, crudeness and play-off games.

And that is it, gentlemen.

End of story. The fat lady's

singing! Out of the room.

By the way, if any of that was lost upon

you, then I've just proven my point again.

Excuse me.

Kareenah, baby,

I am putting

my foot down.

Damn! Damn!

I can't stand her.

I can't stand her either, but

you really need to calm down.

You're making me stressed. You need

to stand up to your wife, Timothy.

It's like she tookyour balls

and turned them into earrings.

Your wife is bling-blingin'

with your nuts.

This is what we get for being

with Eva's little sisters.

They could never stand up

to us without Eva.

I really did think I was getting

one of the fabulous Dandridge girls.

I didn't know it came with

the sister-in-law from hell.

You gotta admit, they were the

finest women in the neighborhood.

We used to say their daddy's johnson

- Should be bronzed. Right.

Did you notice how they

stuck together in an argument?

One for all and all for Eva.

That's how they're getting down.

Come on, fellas. We need

to be more compassionate.

Their parents died when they

were young and left them alone,

so they have to stick together. Yeah.

I should've used that argument to

get on Eva about that Dandridge fund.

- You know what? I would've done it.

- Look at you cosigning.

Mike, please, you need to

let that go. Every time. Okay.

They've been putting money in that

account ever since they were teenagers.

- What are they doing with it? Nothing.

- Step away from my man.

I bet they don't even know

how much is in there.

- There's no need for this.

- If he's your man, then what's he doing here with me?

Charity work, heifer.

Look- Look- Hey, hey, hey!

This is just

a big misunderstanding, okay?

Fellas, I know that brother.

Yo, Ray!

Hey!

I didn't even know

he was back in town.

You should be mad at me,

not each other.

I've been dating both of you, and

- True, we don't have a commitment.

But I couldn't decide

between you. Hey, fellas.

I think he might be the man

to rid us of Eva.

That dude? Aw, hell, no. You'd

be better off getting Ike Turner.

They're about to cuss his ass out

and leave him high and dry. Watch.

- Yeah, he's right.

- Let's go, all right?

Oh, me too?

Uh-huh.

- Get out of here!

- Be right back.

- Did you see that? Did you see that?

- Wow!

- Good to see you, man.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Fellas, he said he'll meet us

here the day after tomorrow.

So he's a freak.

How does that help us with Eva?

- Eva just needs a man.

- Come on, now.

Remember, we tried that?

Remember Rashaun? Yeah.

All I said was,

you was a little uptight.

But I like that though.

So it was like a compliment

in reverse.

Oh, reverse. Right. I see. Yeah. Yeah.

You feeling me.

Yeah, sure.

Did you know that female spiders eat

the male when she's done with him?

Yeah. They date, they laugh, and then

she turns his ass into a crab cake.

Now, while the prospect of biting

your head off makes me happy,

I am sure that ultimately

you are not a Happy Meal.

So, I'm moving on

to better cuisine.

Good-bye, Rashaun.

Eva, wait. You're just

gonna say good-bye?

Oh, no, it's not good-bye.

It's hello in reverse.

Eva. Come on, girl.

- Eva put that man in the mental ward.

- You're always exaggerating.

Eva drove the brother insane.

I seen him last week.

Dude sound like Ron Hopper.

Now he t-t-talk like th-th-this.

This can work with Ray.

The boy is a specialist.

He is a master player.

Listen, Ray can get Eva

to let go ofher sisters.

Then when it's just us and

them, we can have all their love.

- Right, right.

- We can get him to seduce her.

- Yes! - 'Cause all she really

needs is some you- know-what.

Hold up. What Eva really

needs is a sensitive man-

somebody that can help her

with her personality problems.

What she needs is a dude that can hit that

ass till she starts speaking in tongues.

- Amen.

Right, right, right.

Can Ray do that?

Okay, later,

after we finish doing it,

we're gonna lie together and hold

each other and talk for a while, right?

Okay. We can do it, but

I have to study. Come on.

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