Delivery Man Page #2

You donated 693 times

in exchange for which

you received the sum of $24,255.

Your sperm is of a very high quality.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sure your sperm is also high-end.

Uh...

Certain complications arose,

which meant that for a period,

Mr. Graboski-Levitt gave your sperm

to all the women in his clientele.

You have sired 533 children

and 142 of them

wish to know your identity.

What?

You are the biological father

of 533 children.

At the time of each of

your multiple donations,

you signed a confidentiality agreement.

Legally, the Graboski-Levitt Clinic

is obligated to protect your identity.

But a subset of your children

is contesting the legality

of those documents.

They wish to know who Starbuck is.

You say that for each

of the 693 sperm donations

you signed a confidentiality agreement

under the pseudonym of "Starbuck"?

Every time. Always.

I always signed the

confidentially agreement, always.

And you signed those documents

before or after executing

the manual labor?

Before.

And you always wrestled

the dragon alone?

Yes.

Frankly, I'm disappointed

you never told me about any of this.

Usually you call up your friends

after you get laid,

not after you wrestle the dragon alone.

But if you absolutely insist,

I promise you I will phone you

every single time I fly solo.

That's an interesting offer.

Unfortunately, way too time-consuming.

Listen, they claim that your right

to privacy should take a back seat

to their basic human right

to know who their biological father is.

It's very complex. Very, very complex.

It's...

It's really complex.

Do you know that this is

the dream of every lawyer

to argue a case this significant?

A case that will leave its mark?

That will stand as a precedent?

My mother always said that

I would never amount to anything.

- I'll show that old b*tch.

- What do we do now?

As your lawyer, I suggest you

cease masturbating in fertility clinics.

- Do I have to get a real lawyer?

- You can't afford a real lawyer.

I'm gonna call the Bar Association today,

reactivate my license.

You don't have a license?

I lost it because of a small formality.

Something about a missing dated form

and a bribe. It's nothing.

Oh! Yes, in hopes of persuading

Starbuck to meet with them,

142 of the children in your lawsuit

want you to know who they are.

This envelope contains the profiles

of 142 of your children.

Do not open it!

Brett.

Hey, Starbuck.

Don't call me that.

Can Susan take the kids?

When she's not investing

all her energy in her new career,

she prefers to wisely use her time

sleeping with men I don't like.

Do you have a babysitter?

Why, you need someone

to watch over that envelope?

I know I shouldn't have,

but I've opened it.

Worst idea ever.

I picked out one of the profiles.

I just picked one.

One. Do you know

whose profile I picked?

Andrew Johansson.

We got to go.

What do you got?

- $225

- $200.

There he is.

Let's go, baby. Take it. Take it.

Come on, 13! Let's go, 13!

Come on, Johansson.

13 is wide open! Let's go!

Yeah!

COMMENTATOR". Andrew Johansson

with the three.

Play defense, play defense,

play defense!

Play defense, play defense! Yes!

Do you see him? Do you see him?

He stopped it, he blocked it.

He got right in the lane.

Did you see him get in the lane?

Did you see 13 get in the lane?

We got 13, guys.

Why don't they put him in?

Why don't they put him in?

The game's almost over.

Why are they not... They put him in!

COMMENTATOR". Andrew Johansson.

Thirteen seconds.

Okay, set up.

He's open, he's open, he's open.

Hit him, hit him, hit him!

Pass it to 13! Pass it to 13!

Why won't they give it to 13?

Give it to him!

He's open! Catch it. Got

it, got it, got it!

Andrew! Andrew! Andrew!

Andrew! Andrew!

Those were my genes.

My genes were on a professional

basketball court tonight!

In a way, you could say that

that was an extension of myself

that hit that game-winning shot!

I mean, do your kids play

professional basketball?

No, not to my knowledge.

But I will inquire.

They don't tell me everything.

So, I've been thinking

that we could plead insanity.

- What?

- I don't know.

Maybe you would

not be held responsible

for actions taken

while mentally unstable.

We could bank

on your mental problems.

I don't have mental problems.

I don't have mental problems!

When we're in court,

I want you to say it exactly that way.

One, two, three, Wozniak!

Let's go.

Come on! One, two. One, two. One two.

Big time, big time, big time!

Let's play some basketball.

Come in. Back up, back up!

Hurry up! Come up, up, up!

- Are you allowed to hit the arm?

- No.

Okay. Pick and roll!

Let's go! Back, back, back! D, D, D!

Great steal! Here we go, hit me!

I'm going in for the jam. Okay, not a jam.

What the hell position is he playing?

A little help? Thank you.

All right.

Why don't we meet up back here at two?

Emma!

Uh...

Give me a second?

I have officially decided to have a life.

I'm at work.

I'm going to convince you

that I deserve to be this kid's father.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Four days in a row,

I have not had any sleep.

But I've never been so happy in my life.

I never thought that

I would love anyone that much.

The kid poops four times a day

and I think I'm losing my mind.

I think I'm going crazy, because I swear

his diapers make me so proud.

I'm totally convinced that my child

takes way better dumps

than any other kid.

Your brother wants parental leave

so he can spend more time

admiring his son's diapers.

It's the law, okay?

I'm entitled to parental leave.

I had three kids, and two hours

after each of them was born,

I was here, serving customers.

You absolutely have to have kids, David.

What?

My girlfriend's pregnant.

You got a girlfriend?

Yeah.

David, you're gonna love it.

You are gonna love it.

Your kid is never gonna poop

as good as my kid,

but you are gonna love it.

- Can you believe that?

- No.

I promise,

I will only be gone an hour.

No, I won't. Look, I've called everyone.

How many times have I covered for you?

Oh, my God, man.

I'm begging you, man.

I really, really need

you to do this for me.

I can't even talk to you.

Yeah?

Can I help you?

I'll have a espresso to go, please.

' Said "to 90."

Is there a lid?

Do you have a lid?

Usually, you get a lid

when you order a coffee to go.

$3.25.

You could be a bit more polite.

Polite?

I'm a customer.

You're a barista.

Would it be possible

to act in a polite manner?

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about a little "please"

and "thank you."

- A little thank you.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that not considered cool

by your generation anymore?

Who the hell are you, man?

I'm just saying if you

smiled a little more,

maybe there would be

more people in here.

If you want to be a waiter...

Well, there's the thing.

I don't want to be a waiter.

I'm an actor.

I am an actor missing the opportunity

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