Delivery Man Page #3

of a lifetime right now.

And you, because you give me

three bucks and a quarter,

you want me to smile?

You want me to smile when I am

totally pissing away my life?

It doesn't have to be a big smile.

Okay.

Have a nice day.

Good afternoon.

I'll take care of the coffee shop.

Yes or no?

Customers come in sometimes.

It isn't always empty.

I can't leave you with the shop.

But it's the role of a lifetime.

Yeah, and how do I know

you won't just walk off with the cash?

You can leave with my truck full of meat.

And why would you do this?

Satisfaction of knowing

that you helped someone

make something of themself.

Bring it back without a scratch.

Okay. People might come in.

I can figure out

how to make a cup of coffee.

All right. Okay.

Thanks.

It is total chaos

in the meat market today, David.

And you decide to disappear?

In the whole family business,

you know you've got

the easiest job, right?

And in spite of having the simplest job,

you manage to do the job badly!

It's like every day you find a new way

to push back the frontiers

of incompetence!

There are only two components

to your chosen occupation.

Get meat, deliver meat.

That's not what I ordered.

It's free.

Take it, it's free.

You're no longer a "deliverer."

You're more of a "keeper."

Why is our truck still full of meat? Why?

Why have you only taken

our meat out for a drive?

- Yeah?

- I'll have...

Tell me who you are

before I call the cops.

I'm the waiter.

I'm the owner.

I do the hiring here.

Josh got called in

for the audition of a lifetime.

Fine. He can look for another job, then.

Sir, it was the audition of a lifetime.

That's not the problem.

What's the problem?

He's not a good actor.

He has never been cast.

Never.

He's a good kid, but he's wasting his life.

He's fired.

Look, this whole thing was my idea.

So, I guess it's your fault

if he can't pay his rent.

I lost my job?

You lost your job.

I got the part.

You got the part?

Yeah, they loved me.

You got the part?

As of today, I'm an actor.

- Congratulations, man!

- Thanks.

Thanks, man. Thanks.

Wow!

I knew it!

I knew you were gonna bail on me.

How the hell am I

supposed to pay the rent?

Okay, wait. No, no, wait! Wait!

The cash is on the table.

I'm four dollars short.

Peter, you owe me money.

No, you owe me money!

Okay, so then,

what are you gonna do about it?

You told me June.

Tell me,

what am I supposed to do now, huh?

Tell me!

What am I supposed to do now?

Miss, don't worry about the money.

You, uh, won your pizza.

Yeah, you won the contest.

You won our, uh...

You won our "Eat and Win" contest.

I don't know what you want,

but this is not a good time.

I'm not doing too well right now,

so can you leave my apartment?

Yes.

Yes, absolutely.

I'm about to call the police!

No. No need for that at all.

It's only that I can see that

you're not doing very well,

and we have a policy

that's very, very, very strict

in the condition in which

we can leave our customers.

Here at...

At Rocco's Pizzeria,

we believe in a more humane pizza.

So, is everything okay?

Miss?

Sh*t!

Okay, okay, you're okay, you're okay.

You're okay, you're okay, you're okay.

Miss. Miss!

- Kristen?

- Miss!

Let go of me!

Kristen! Kristen!

Excuse me, and who are you?

Are you ashamed to say

you're my father?

No.

May I have a word with you?

Yes.

The good news is that for the moment,

we just happen to have a spot

open in our rehab program.

The bad news is that your daughter

seems totally uninterested

in the program.

Since she is still a minor,

it's your decision.

- I'm not...

- It's a very good program.

We've gotten great results.

I'll talk to her.

Hi.

How are you?

Please sign the release.

Look, I don't know who you are, but...

I'm begging you, sign the papers.

- They have a great program here.

- I can stop on my own.

I mean, I just had the scare of my life!

- Please sign the papers.

- I think the program is...

No, if I do the program

then I'm gonna be surrounded

24 hours a day by addicts.

And I guarantee, I will relapse.

People don't stop using

in these programs.

They stop when they wanna stop.

- They will help you.

- They'll lock me up.

And I'll lose my job. I just...

I just got this great job

and I have nothing in my life

besides this job.

- I'll talk to the...

- Thank you.

I'm going to sign the release.

Worst decision that you'll ever make.

She says she'll be happy.

Right now she doesn't need to be happy.

She needs to stop using.

And she will.

Do you love your daughter?

I do.

Tell her. Go tell her that you love her.

And tell her that you will

not sign that release.

Where do you work?

Bloomingdale's.

- You're okay for tonight?

- Yes.

- And you got my number.

- Yeah.

- Great. You start work tomorrow at...

- 8:
00.

- Okay. And you'll be there at 8:00?

- 8:
00.

Okay.

Well...

In my life, I have a tendency

to make very, very, very bad decisions.

Tell me that I haven't just

made another wrong decision.

You haven't.

Thanks.

Oh, man.

Yes.

Yes!

Thank you, thank you. Yes!

Whoo!

Wonderful

Glorious

The sum of all your experiences

A living breathing result of the fight

And every night

you spent shrouded in darkness

Has led you to this moment in the light

It's all right

Wonderful

Glorious

I've never even tried that.

When you do it,

it's different than regular Pilates?

That is why notable

notorious Americans,

such as Roger Morris,

George Washington,

Eliza Jumel and Aaron Burr...

I'm a writer, too. I like to write.

- Oh, that's awesome.

- Yeah, yeah.

- You hold me still.

- Taxi!

All right.

Yeah.

Grab my hand.

- Just watch me dance.

- Okay.

Here, just take it.

Wow! Okay, thanks!

How about hitting this guy up?

Yeah! Do you feel that?

...have all called the

Morris-Jumel Mansion "home."

- Nice!

- Thank you.

- Exciting.

- Thank you.

It's all right.

No, no. Okay.

Okay, okay!

My love is beautiful

It's here for the taking

It's strong and pure

and utterly earth-shaking

My love has brought me here

to show you it's true

A wretch like me

You'll make it through

Hey, come on, buddy,

what are you doing?

You never see a girl before?

Wow.

Honestly, really? Just keep walking.

That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, Shorty!

Hello, Ice Queen!

Hey, Ice Queen,

I need a hand over here.

Hey, I need a hand right here!

Oh!

Did you say "Ice Queen"?

- Did you actually say "Ice Queen"?

- Yeah.

Don't say that!

Don't say stuff like that!

All right.

...all called the Roger

Morris-Jumel Mansion "home."

Oh! Yeah! Yeah!

Was that unbelievable? Unbelievable!

Don't forget the money, guys.

And everything became clear.

I had kind of an epiphany.

I cannot be the father of 533 children.

It's not possible.

It is impossible to be

the father of 533 children.

It is impossible to be

the father of four children.

Right! Exactly. It's impossible.

But I can be their guardian angel.

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