Delivery Man Page #6

Not Sniper.

Sniper?

It was his rock band.

They wore a lot of makeup.

It was the '80s. Everybody wore makeup.

I didn't wear makeup in the '80s.

But look, now that all this is known...

I think it's also very important

for you to know

that the Wozniaks have had

some wonderful times

- and some hard times.

- No.

Dad?

When my wife and I were newlyweds,

we always dreamed of

having a honeymoon in Italy.

But we didn't have much money.

Then we had children.

We told ourselves, someday,

when we're old.

But time passed.

You have to make

the most of the present.

Do you all make the most of the present?

Yes.

Yes, Dad.

We make the most of the present.

When my wife fell ill,

David came over one day

with plane tickets to Venice.

He had seen to everything.

The hotel near Doge's Palace,

the gondolas.

Then later, our three sons

flew over and joined us.

We had a big family dinner

near St. Mark's Square.

David paid for everything.

David...

He does things like that.

If you are able to live

with his countless faults,

you will also live through

some marvelous times.

Let us pray.

- No.

- Come on. Dad, please.

- Let's drink.

- Yes.

Your father is adorable.

Yeah.

I can't believe you brought

your whole family to Venice.

How did you pay for that?

I had money.

When you were 20?

- Yeah.

- Wow.

What kind of job did you have

that would pay for a trip to Venice?

It was a manual-labor type job.

That was an awesome meal.

Almost.

All right, let's bring it.

Open the flood gates, here.

Have fun.

Okay, have a good day at school, guys.

Have a good time.

It's okay to like recess. How are you?

Look at these angels.

My man, how you feeling?

Have fun, buddy.

Coffee? Toast? Eggs?

- No.

- How was your weekend?

- Relaxing.

- Good.

Very relaxed.

Dinner with the family.

And I read.

Lord of the Rings.

That you lie to your girlfriend,

that's par for the course.

Untruthfulness is the basis of a good,

strong relationship.

But I'm not your girlfriend, David.

So, before you tell me

that you spent the weekend

with Frodo and Gandalf

and Bilbo Baggins,

why don't you go ahead

and take a look at this?

Well, as you can attest,

the reporter won't be winning any prizes

for his journalistic skills.

But apparently,

his story was picked up by CNN

and Fox, and even the BBC.

Which means,

when you go to bed tonight,

four or five billion people will be asking,

"Who the f*** is Starbuck?"

Now tell me, is this good news for us?

Does this augur well for our trial?

Is this the type of situation

over which we can regain control?

The answer is yes.

Now, we go on the offensive.

A countersuit.

We, too, are going to sue the clinic.

What for?

Substantial punitive damages.

It's the clinic's duty not to do anything

to jeopardize your anonymity.

By overusing your donations,

they have given rise to a substantial,

well-funded challenge to your anonymity

which has now generated

extensive media coverage.

I mean, you should hear the stuff

that people are saying about Starbuck.

What are they saying about Starbuck?

Terrible things. But it's good.

It's fine, because our countersuit...

David, your debt problems will go away.

We're going after big, big money.

It is all over Twitter,

it is all over the net.

No way is this guy

coming out of the closet.

No way!

At work,

every meeting you go into,

no matter what you say,

everyone will always be thinking,

"Hey, it's El Masturbator."

Five hundred

and thirty-three kids!

He's donated 693 times!

Boy, this guy was making money

hand over fist. I can't believe it.

Anyway, listen.

He went by the code name "Starbuck."

"Starbuck"?

I think "Chock full o'Nuts"

would have been more like it.

"Chock full o'Nuts"

would have been better.

You should read some of these tweets.

The last kid was an accident.

I guess he was watching

a rerun of Baywatch,

and it just happened.

I had no idea this could

actually be a job.

I mean, I knew it could be a hobby.

What do you think about

all this "Starbuck" business?

Oh, it's horrible.

What's horrible?

It's horrible.

You don't think it's absolutely horrible?

- I don't know.

- What was he thinking?

Well, he obviously wasn't thinking

that they would use his sperm so much.

And he obviously wasn't thinking

that they would choose

his profile so often.

May I help you?

Yeah, do you have a stroller

for 533 children?

- No.

- No. No.

He doesn't.

Because it's not normal

to have 533 children.

It's not normal.

Viggo, where the hell are you going?

- I don't know.

- It goes in the back.

- In the back.

- Okay.

Hey, David.

Your brothers are in the office.

They want to see you.

They wanted 100 grand! 100 grand?

I mean, Pop didn't have it.

So they tried to drown him!

What were you thinking?

Tell me, David, what were you thinking?

Get the cash, David. Get the cash!

Unbelievable!

- Dad, listen.

- Go away, David.

Go away.

Let's...

Let's do the countersuit.

Excellent. Excellent.

- Come on in.

- All right.

BRETT". What would happen

if we no longer

respected these types of agreements?

Nothing less than an unlimited quantity

of chaos.

Custody battles.

Possible intrusions upon happy families.

And this, on either party's side.

Mothers showing up

on donors' doorsteps.

And donors suddenly

wanting visitation rights,

wanting to partake

in important decisions

about religion, about schooling.

None of the parties were coerced

into signing this agreement.

And nowhere have I seen

an expiration date.

What'd you guys think?

Why don't I understand

when you are talking?

Well, you see...

This is a complex situation.

I would vote for the other guy.

Well... No. The other guy is wrong.

Grandma's right.

I think you're gonna lose again.

Did she say that?

Okay. Well, all right. Thanks, kids.

You can all go to bed.

Is that going to be

your argument in court?

That won't work in court.

You can't send the real judge to bed.

Yes, I can.

Daddy can send anyone to bed.

And right now, you're all going to bed.

Now, go.

These are children who are lost.

They are lost in the wilderness.

And they want to know

who their father is.

I mean, is that too much to ask?

And what would...

What would happen if we no longer

accepted these types of agreements?

Nothing more than

an unlimited quantity of chaos.

Um...

The mic...

Oh, that's better. Is that okay?

Here we are, outside of

the New York courtroom...

I feel like this is an easy case to win.

What I'm saying is,

which fundamental right should

take more importance here?

I've been a musician

pretty much my whole life.

And when I write music,

I write it because...

I think, when I say this,

I speak for everyone.

I know, how for me...

I wasn't actually able to

grow up with a dad.

I would like to meet the guy,

the man, who created me.

And there's a lot of transitions

in my life that I've come across.

It's central to who I am.

It's really all I've thought about.

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