Delivery Man Page #5

No, no. I'll catch you soon.

Hello, David Wozniak.

All the profiles.

And I saw on your overdue bills

that your name is David Wozniak.

I was sitting behind you at the hotel.

My name is Viggo.

I'm your biological son.

Are you gonna expose me?

I don't know.

I don't even really know

why I ever wanted to meet you.

Who are you?

What do you do for a living?

I work at a meat store.

I'm a vegetarian.

So, you murder animals.

No. I deliver the meat.

I don't murder it.

I chauffeur it around.

Leo Tolstoy says that,

"if a man earnestly seeks

a righteous life,

"his first act of abstinence

is from animal food."

I did not know that.

Sir Thomas More said,

"The Utopians feel that

slaughtering our fellow creatures

"gradually destroys

the sense of compassion

"which is the finest sentiment

of which our human nature is capable."

That's interesting.

Can we keep this our secret?

Can I stay here a few days?

I need to get to know you.

It has only been two weeks,

and he has become unbearable.

Again this morning,

he called me three times.

That's three times this morning.

He's taking up all of my time.

Do whatever he wants.

We can't let him expose you.

Long conversations.

Long, like police interrogations.

He feels the need to bond.

Do whatever he wants,

or he will expose you.

He wants to point out books

that are so dense and so esoteric

that it's impossible

to make heads or tails of it.

And then he'll twist it

and ask if I agree with it,

and then, he'll use it to prove

that somehow I'm full of sh*t.

I'm not having conversations

with him, Brett.

I'm in a chess game that

I don't realize that I'm in.

And it's exhausting. It's draining.

No.

- Answer it.

- No!

You have to answer it.

Anything he wants.

Hey, I got you a kale salad.

You got me a what?

Kale salad.

I'm kidding.

I got you a triple monster burger.

Yes, please.

Hey, should you be painting like this?

Because I can do this.

I can do the painting. I'm happy to do it.

Thank you for being here.

I'm glad I'm here.

- But I'm excited to do the painting.

- Yeah?

From now on, let me do the painting.

- All right.

- Okay.

I got you some French fries.

- You got French fries, too?

- Yes.

And there might be

something else in there.

Really?

A little treat?

You got me two burgers!

So, I'm trying to cancel

tomorrow night with Emma

and I think I can get off a bit early,

so we can do whatever.

Whatever you want.

Tomorrow night will be Viggo's choice.

All right, I'm off.

Good game, David.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

You want to play?

Yeah!

All right.

Come on, get your stuff. Let's go.

We gotta hurry. Careful, careful, careful.

Do you have any sweatpants,

or anything?

No.

You don't want to wear that stuff.

It's not a nightclub, Viggo.

Do you have any shorts for me?

I don't think my shorts are gonna fit you.

Like this.

What?

Up there.

Dribble, dribble, dribble.

Oh, my...

You just gotta dribble. You gotta dribble.

So, you just... You just dribble.

Dribble, dribble! You gotta dribble!

You gotta...

Why doesn't he dribble?

David, you absolutely have

to be there next Saturday.

Everybody's gonna be there.

Actually, I have plans

next Saturday with Emma.

But you were the one who came up

with this whole concept

of brothers and sisters

finding one another.

Yeah, I understand, but I

already have plans with Emma.

Anyway, I spend a heck

of a lot of time with you.

You know, I also have a real family.

Family.

You said "real family."

- No.

- You... You...

Just because

you decided to turn the page

on that period of your life

doesn't mean we don't exist.

We exist. We exist for real.

We're also your real family.

Viggo.

Viggo!

All I'm saying is,

I hope that you're happy.

I hope you realize that I had

to lie to Emma to be here.

That I lied to the woman

carrying my child.

Your "real" child.

Viggo, we have talked

about the incident a lot.

I don't think we need to continue

to dwell on our little misunderstanding.

I am here. Do you see that I'm here?

Do you see that I am here?

- With your fake kids.

- Fake?

Fake? Viggo, what the hell

are you talking about?

I mean, if we're not real, what are we?

- Nietzsche said...

- Screw Nietzsch-ka!

Screw Kindergarten!

"Kierkegaard."

I think it's this way.

Screw Nietzsche! Screw Kierkegaard!

And screw... The...

You can't even come up with one more.

That's it, you're done at two.

Look, screw all of those dudes.

None of those guys had 533 real kids.

Did you bring me here to expose me?

No.

I want to keep you all to myself.

I know it's coming

I can feel it in my bones

All right!

This is information you already know

Even if it's only temporarily

Give the illusion tonight

You belong to me

Oh, the things

I will believe

Ignore the hundred lovers

You got hidden up your sleeve

The words come easily

And they sound so lovely

You all right?

I guess it's just as easy if you lie to me

- Put these next to the grill, here.

- Next to the grill.

Special recipe.

It's a secret family recipe,

but you'll like this.

Wow!

Do you see what happens

when the tofu hits the grill?

Nothing.

Exactly what happens when

the tofu hits our taste buds.

I am alone

I am in love with an idea

Sophisticated neurological appeals

I want to negotiate some kind of a deal

I want to tear it open

Show you that it's real

Oh, the things

I will believe

Ignore the hundred lovers

You got hidden up your sleeve

Okay. Get in nice and tight.

All right, we got one more. Get in close.

- All right.

- Can I get in?

All right.

Okay, everybody, just scooch in.

Get as close as you can.

Okay, on the left.

Can you move in just a little?

All right. Say, "Cheese."

Cheese!

And I'm real, real gone

Got me down to the very marrow

Don't you know I need your help

You're a friend of mine

And I'm real, real gone

Hey. This is Ryan.

- Hey, Ryan.

- What's up, Ryan?

- Hey, Ryan.

- Hi.

That was the best, right?

I had a great time.

So, uh... I guess this is it.

Have a great day.

Ryan?

Could I just have a... Just... Thanks.

I just wanted to...

I wanted to tell you...

I'm your father.

Okay.

So...

You'll keep seeing more of me.

That was a fun weekend. Okay.

You seem way too relaxed.

This is a great moment for me.

It's a new stage in our relationship.

No.

- No?

- No.

It's really important that you know

there is no truth in anything

they are going to say about me. None.

You must understand,

they love to humiliate me.

They're monsters. Really.

- They are monsters.

- Okay.

I want to propose a toast to Emma.

Because I think it's important

that you know that this...

- Rite of passage.

- Rite of passage.

Well, it's not just about

humiliating David.

Although, it is one of the objectives.

And if we have exposed David's past

to the harsh light of day...

Well, I think it's important,

because you gotta know

what you're getting into.

And now that you know all this...

I have some more pictures.

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