Delta Farce Page #3

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- You want to say a few words?

- Yeah.

Dear Lord,

I ask you to take this man,

for richer or for poorer,

as he walks through the valley

of the shadow of death.

And also, dear Lord,

the Powerball's up to 90 million.

So, if you could help me out,

I sure would appreciate it.

Amen!

- That was just great, Everett.

- Yeah, real touching.

Powerball!

Come on! Get some!

Get some!

All right, ladies,

let's git-r-done.

Operation shock and awe!

Here we go!

Kill, kill, kill!

All right, y'all, let's fan out.

I'll secure the perimeter.

That Charlie's a real sneaky bastard!

Charlie?

You think Everett's mom drank

during pregnancy?

Yeah, and I'm guessing

she sniffed paint thinner, too.

Well, what do we have here?

Damn!

You know who that is?

That's the Butcher of Baghdad, buddy.

That's Saddam Hussein.

He's an ugly son of a b*tch, isn't he?

Kind of looks like that fellow

that works the register

down there at the Circle K.

You know, Rugburn.

You mean Raji?

Yeah, that little Indian fella.

He's a red-dot Indian though,

not a tomahawk Indian.

You're crazy.

That don't look nothing like him.

Only an idiot would think that.

Oh, look! It's Raji from Circle K!

Y'all hungry?

What's wrong with it?

Why aren't you eating?

I got spaghetti and meat sauce.

So?

It gives me bad gas.

Fine. Take my beef stew.

Larry, what the hell is that?

I needed a spit cup.

Just eat around it.

That's gross. Come on.

We gotta get on the road.

Why don't you just admit it? We're lost!

He thinks you're lost!

There's a town right over this next ridge!

Wait a minute.

Nope.

We're lost.

Nothing to report from my patrols.

Damn it, I thought

we was gonna be in the sh*t.

When am I gonna get to shoot somebody?

Everett, there are specific

rules of engagement.

There are friendlies around.

You can't just run around shooting people.

You got your Geneva Convention

to think about.

Rule is you don't fire

unless you're fired upon.

- You understand?

- Yep.

One shot, one kill! Get some!

Damn it, Everett!

What the hell are you doing?

Nice shooting!

Down on your knees,

hands behind your head!

Easy, man! This ain't Cops.

- I was on Cops once. Remember?

- Who could forget?

High speed pursuit

followed by indecent exposure.

That was the best Thanksgiving ever.

All right, assume the position.

Well, congratulations, Everett!

You just killed yourself a donkey.

We don't even know

if they have a donkey season.

What do we do now?

- Come on. Let me blow them both away.

- Calm down, Everett.

I guess since I'm squad leader,

I ought to do the interrogating.

Besides that, everybody knows

I'm a skilled communicator.

Who are you?

Are you Republican Guard?

Larry,

they're not deaf, they're Iraqi.

What we need to do is find out

whether they're Turds or Shitites.

I think you mean Kurds or Shiites.

Hi.

My name's Larry.

We're here to liberate your people.

We bring gifts of freedom and democracy.

Oh, sorry about your donkey.

Freedoms?

Freedom. Yeah, right.

We're here to liberate you.

- Freedoms!

- Freedoms!

- Freedoms!

- Freedoms!

Freedom, yeah!

- Freedoms.

- Freedoms.

Freedoms! Freedoms!

Shut up!

Your village?

Is your village named Baslamabad?

Freedoms!

- Yeah, freedoms.

- This is it, fellas. This is our objective.

Get ready to be heroes.

I wish Sarge was here right now.

He'd be so dag-gum proud of us.

It's alive!

Iraq,

it's a land of miracles.

Where the hell am I?

You gotta be shitting me!

Son of a b*tch!

I'm gonna kill those miserable pissants!

What do you see?

Not much. I forgot to take off the lens caps.

- And he's in charge.

- I know.

Well?

Iraqi insurgents. Four of them.

Freedoms. Freedoms.

Just hold on, Saddam.

Look, this is what I think we should do.

We just sit tight

until reinforcements get here.

The 101st Airborne is

gonna be here any minute.

These people are in trouble.

I think we're dealing with Fedayin.

Damn right they're in trouble.

I had some of that Fedayin

at the Parthenon Cafe.

Greek food goes right through me.

Irritable bowel syndrome.

It looks like she needs our help.

She?

I mean "they."

They appear to be C-cups.

All right, listen. Our orders are clear.

We have to engage the enemy.

Gentlemen,

you know what they say

in the Army, Semper fi.

That would be the Marines.

Stay here.

Don't worry about anything.

The cavalry is on the way.

They are? Oh, thank God.

I thought for a second you wanted us

to go down there by ourselves.

When this is over, I am so gonna sue you.

What we need is some fighting music.

What the hell's that?

Hold on.

Here we go.

God bless America!

- Should I shoot?

- Hold your fire!

- Did you say fire?

- I said hold your fire!

All right, I'm gonna fire!

It's Rambo! Let's get out of here!

I'm going in!

On the ground, now!

I'm a trained killing machine!

Everett!

I think you got her, Everett!

Oh.

Where the hell's Larry?

I guess that coward run off, huh?

Not everybody's cut out

for the rigors of combat.

The other three got away,

but I got this guy.

Oh, hey there, Larry.

Thank you for the help, Everett.

I was just telling Bill here,

what a good job you done.

That Iraqi is a pretty language, ain't it?

Think they're friendly?

It's a very delicate situation

that calls for the soft touch

of a diplomat, so...

I am your king!

Bow down before me!

Everett, get down from there!

Not just a job, it's an adventure.

Yeah. That's the Navy,

but I know what you're saying.

Wish the Sarge was here to see this.

At least those idiots left me

something to eat.

Oh, Christ!

Oh, I'll be damned! Hey! Hey!

Hey, am I glad to see you!

Hey...

I don't parla any Espanola,

but either of you two amigos

habla Inglese?

I need a ride to the next town.

El ride-o in el car-o to el town-o.

Hey, tequila, eh?

S. Tequila!

Hey, hey. All right. Okay.

Yeah, well...

You two pissants gonna give me a ride

to the next town?

Oh, good!

Yeah!

You're all right, amigo!

Right on!

Right on!

Hey, Everett, why don't you

go guard the prisoner?

Oh, hell, yeah!

Should we be worried

he's too excited about this?

Probably.

Hey, man,

radio's had it.

And I did a house to house search,

and there ain't nothing close to a phone

in this little podunk town.

- So, what now?

- Well,

reckon we ought to maintain

a defensive posture,

and then hold our position here

in case there's a counterattack.

And then, we'll link up with

some reinforcements.

I don't even know what that means.

I bought it.

You know, I gotta say,

feeling pretty good.

A couple days ago,

I had more problems

than a Cub Scout at the Neverland Ranch,

but now I think I've found my true calling.

Yeah? And what might that be?

Well, think about it.

We're in Iraq,

the most dangerous place in the world,

well, except for maybe Detroit,

but the point is, I've been tested

in the crucible of battle,

and my troops seized their objective

and didn't even get a scratch.

I think I'm cut out

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