Delta Farce Page #4

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for this military stuff after all.

All right, Akmed.

Don't get your burka in a wad.

Jesus.

I thought maybe we'd see

more turbans around here.

Yeah.

Hey!

Boy, them Iraqis really know

how to throw a good party.

How are you?

Thank you for saving our village.

Hold on, Abdul! You speak English?

Of course! Many of us do!

You're country is very close to ours.

That's right! Our people are friends

in freedom and democracy.

Oh, right.

We're also very close together literally.

- Somebody ought to get this guy a map.

- Yeah.

Hey, how are you?

Man, that smells delicious!

What do you call this local delicacy?

- Tacos.

- Tacos?

- S, s. Tacos.

- You got tacos here?

This is...

Who would have thought

they'd have tacos here?

Tell you what, if they got pork rinds,

I'm never leaving.

That's delicious!

You do realize

that's probably a camel ass taco.

I wish my wife could

cook camel ass this good.

Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Maria Garcia,

and this is my father, Antonio Garcia,

the mayor of La Miranda.

We owe you our lives.

Thank you for freeing us

from under the thumb of these bandits.

It's been far too long.

Oh, it's our pleasure, Mayor.

Bill Little, U.S. Army.

It's my honor to introduce you

to General Eisenhower.

He's currently the ranking officer

in this theater of operations.

You can just call me Larry.

You answered our prayers today, General,

and you were very brave.

Oh, shoot. It's just part of the job.

This evening is yours.

Our town is your town.

Please, please, enjoy yourselves.

A general?

What the hell did you say that for?

Well, what did you want me to say?

Hey, Maria, meet my buddy, Larry.

He just got fired from Cowboy Franks,

and his girlfriend is carrying

a parolee's baby.

Funny.

I tell you what, though, she is a looker.

You play your cards right,

and you could end up with a war bride.

- War bride?

- Yeah.

It's the right of every American fighting

man to take a wife in a combat zone.

My Uncle Charlie came home

from Korea with one.

Boy, Aunt Rose was pissed.

- Hey, let's have a toast.

- A toast.

The Army...

- Leave the driving to us.

- Good God, man.

That's Greyhound.

Might as well fess up, Haji,

'cause I'm gonna break you down

till I get the truth out of your ass.

I don't know what you want.

I'm just a poor Mexican.

Oh. A foreign fighter, huh?

Well, that's even worse in my book.

I should just ship you off

to Guantanamera Bay right now.

Don't you mean Guantanamo Bay?

Guantanamo, Gorgonzola!

They're all hell-holes, man!

Hey, Everett, I think we ought to...

What the hell are you wearing?

This is my sniper suit.

I'm doing some serious Psyop

sh*t here, man.

- We weren't issued any sniper gear.

- I brought it from home.

Well, you look like a retard Chewbacca.

How's it going with this guy?

Oh, he's a tough nut to crack,

but I'm gonna bust...

Let me handle it!

I don't know nothing.

Where are the weapons

of mass destruction?

Are you Republican Guard or Al-Qaeda?

Are you a Turd or a Shitite?

Wait a minute. What...

Weapons of mass destruction?

You guys actually think that you're in...

Hey, what's so funny?

You're not in Iraq, gringo.

Gringo.

That's what you say in...

Oh, my God!

What?

Are we in France?

Hey, buddy!

This is gonna sound crazy,

but we might be in Mexico!

Oh.

Well, this is bad.

Really bad.

Slow down. It's not that big a deal.

We invaded Mexico.

And we're AWOL.

I mean, that alone is 10 years

in Leavenworth.

I can't do time.

Prison's full of chubby-chasers.

Hope you got smokes.

Cigarettes is currency in the joint, man.

You can't buy a prison b*tch or a shank

for anything less than a carton of Kools.

Everett, don't you have something else

to be doing?

Yep. I'll go question the villagers.

See if there's been

any bin Laden sightings.

We're in Mexico!

Roger that.

I'm a screw-up.

I finally found something I was good at,

and what I do, invade a friendly nation.

We were asleep during the drop.

Who's to say the Army

doesn't want us to be here?

Why would they want us here?

This is Mexico.

We committed an act of war

inside a sovereign nation.

This is an international incident

just waiting to happen.

One man's international incident

is another man's preemptive strike

in the war on terror.

Those men weren't terrorists.

Hang on. Tell him, Everett.

The U.S. Government defines terrorism

as the unlawful use or threatened use

of force or violence to intimidate

or coerce governments or societies,

often for ideological or political reasons.

Now, I don't know about you,

but those fellows sound

like terrorists to me.

Hell, my wife could be a terrorist.

Look, man, these people

think we're heroes,

and there's nothing we can do

about it right now.

Eventually, somebody's gonna

come get us.

So, I say we just enjoy ourselves.

Senor Bill?

We have more tacos and cervezas for you.

You see?

If we leave now, the terrorists win.

Everett, where did you get that cannon?

This is an 1875 Napoleon 12-pounder.

Only an amateur like yourself

would call it a cannon.

I found it out behind a barn.

I thought that court order said you

wasn't supposed to be around cannons.

Only in the state of Georgia.

General Eisenhower,

how come you're not at the party?

Oh, I'm just strategizing my next

counteroffensive against the insurgents.

Or something like that.

So, you thought this was Iraq.

How can that happen? This is Mexico.

Well, we kind of confused our latitudes

with our longitudes,

and our stalagmites with our stalactites.

- It's a long story.

- Well, I don't care.

You saved our village from those animals.

Yeah, who were those guys?

They are vicious bandidos.

Their leader is a cruel man,

nothing more than a common criminal.

He's preyed upon our village for years,

stealing our crops

and what little else we have.

You think they might be back?

No. They are cowards.

And now we have a brave general here

to protect us.

Well, about that, I'm...

I'm not actually a general.

I am a squad leader though,

and that's pretty high up there.

One day, I hope to travel

across those mountains to the ocean.

And I will open a cantina

on a beautiful beach far away from here.

Well, if you need an assistant manager,

I got some experience.

Maria!

That's my father. I must go.

But perhaps you will allow me the honor

to cook dinner for you some night?

The honor would be all mine.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Oh...

What was the name of that bandit leader?

His name is one that strikes fear

into the hearts

of decent people everywhere.

The bastard's name is Carlos Santana.

Let's get this party started!

Okay, so where's the entertainment?

Bring out the gringo!

El Jefe, I think you're really

going to like this act, Jefe.

We kidnapped him from a hotel in Cancn.

So, without further ado,

por favor, please welcome

the Amazing Ken and Rufus!

Thank you. Quite a crowd.

What do you think, Rufus?

Lots of Mexicans tonight.

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