Delta Farce Page #5

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Feels like I'm standing

in front of the Home Depot.

Be nice, Rufus. How about a joke?

Okay.

Do you know why there were only

- No. Why?

- They only had four trucks.

Boo! Boo!

That's not funny!

Relax, sweetheart.

I did not know this was a gay bar.

He's just kidding.

What is your name, sir?

I am Carlos Santana.

Holy sh*t! The singer?

No, not the singer!

I'm the real Carlos Santana!

Man of courage, honor. The leader of men!

That other guy, he is just a guitar player.

Yeah, well, I think you both suck.

You shot Rufus!

I was aiming for the Amazing Ken.

Luis, you are back.

How did the pillaging go?

Not so good, Jefe.

What do you mean, not so good?

There was a problem.

And we could not get your tribute.

What?

Jefe, you don't understand!

There's nothing we could do.

The American Army show up.

There were hundreds of them.

They captured Ricardo.

Jefe, we barely escaped with our lives.

Gringo soldiers in La Miranda.

It was good you brought me this news.

Since they shut off the cable,

I can't get CNN.

Hard to stay current.

I thought you were going to kill me.

Kill you?

We have shared

many a great adventure together.

I would never kill you.

Paco and Hector are going to kill you.

Jefe, please don't kill me! Jefe! Jefe, no!

Jefe! Are we going to destroy La Miranda?

No, I don't like to work on the weekends.

Tonight, it's karaoke!

What did you guys do last night?

You missed a hell of a party.

You were partying?

It's part of the hero business, man.

For us not to partake in the celebration

would have just been rude.

Relax.

We're goodwill ambassadors

winning over hearts and minds.

Everett, that's exactly why

you shouldn't drink tequila.

Damn.

This always happens when I eat the worm.

Where were you?

You went and saw

that little girl, didn't you?

Did y'all do the chimichanga?

Oh, come on, Bill. Don't be crude, man.

Larry's a gentleman, and Maria's a lady.

Did you bang her?

All right, listen, I was up all night thinking

about our situation.

We just can't be running around

a country we're not supposed to be in.

So, I think we ought to just stay right here

and wait for the Army to pick us up.

- So, we're staying?

- Relax.

This ain't the infield at Talladega.

Since we're stuck here,

I figure we ought to do

what we're supposed to do.

And these folks have

been pretty hospitable.

I think it's time we return the favor.

So, come on, let's get to it.

- You want to change there, senorita?

- Oh, I forgot I had this on.

It really breathes.

Iraq? You guys may want to buy a map, eh?

But what my father means to say

is that we are really appreciative

for what you have done

for our poor village.

We know we messed up,

and kind of hoping

we can keep this our little secret.

We'd like to stick around

and provide perimeter security

and help restore your infrastructure.

Infrastructure? Okay!

First place you can start is this well.

It's been dry for years.

We're forced to carry water from the river.

Yeah. No problem.

Thank you for your generosity.

My pleasure, ma'am.

Here's the problem with the well.

It's dry.

That's right, boys! Can't hate number 8!

They love it!

Hey, where'd you get all those extra nails?

I just pulled them out of that old shed.

Everett!

You know, we're doing a lot of good.

They could really use

these medical supplies.

Copy that.

Oh, man. Guys, you gotta see this.

What do you think happened?

I don't know.

Maybe some wild critters dug him up.

I think it's a more logical explanation.

The Chupacabra.

- What?

- The Chupacabra.

It's a mythical hairless dog-like creature

that sucks the blood out

of both man and beast.

It's been terrorizing these parts for years.

Either that, or it's grave robbers.

I mean, you can get top dollar

for a testicle on eBay these days.

Poor bastard. Couldn't even rest in peace.

I am gonna kill you deviant bastards!

What are you doing, Senor Bill?

Trying to get this dang radio working.

I need to talk to my superior.

Well, why don't you just use a telephone?

You got a phone?

Well, not here in town,

but I can show you where.

Now, we need to keep this

between you and I.

See, it's a covert op, and we don't want

General Larry interfering.

Why wouldn't you want him to know?

I thought you had to call your superior.

I do. My wife.

Oh, s, Senor Bill.

It will be our secret.

Good. Now, where the hell is this phone?

Shut up in there! Hello?

Hey, sweetie! It's me!

Why haven't you called? Are you in Iraq?

No. No, we had a little change of plans.

This better be good.

Yeah, it's actually a pretty funny story.

Quiet in there! I'm talking to your dad!

We're in Mexico.

Mexico? You better get

your ass right back here...

- Senor Bill?

- Hang on a second.

A two-way whore in a rowdy...

No, no, no, no.

Now, you hold on a second, honey.

It's not like that at all.

I'm not on vacation down here.

Damn right you're not on vacation.

What are you doing down there?

I'm working!

Hey, this is part

of a government sanctioned incursion

into a sovereign nation

as part of Operation Sombrero.

You're a part of a government operation?

Yeah. Yeah, so, tell the boys,

their daddy is a hero.

Senor Bill?

Hang on a second!

Are you coming home or not?

No. I don't know when I'm gonna be home.

Well, I don't know. Hell.

- Wrong!

- Hello?

Connie?

Hello.

- Hey, what is...

- Oh, I'm sorry, senor.

Did I cut you off?

Sh*t.

Okay, gringo,

how many more men you

got back in La Miranda?

All I gotta tell you

is my name, rank, and favorite cereal.

And that's all you're getting.

I think Ruben likes you.

It just seems odd that a man of your stature

would embrace alternative lifestyles

amongst his men.

You can't fire someone

because they're gay!

That's discrimination!

You can get sued for that, eh?

Besides, he's my nephew.

You can't choose your familia.

So, he's here, he's queer. Get used to it.

I'm still not telling you anything.

Start talking or I'll tell Ruben

he can marry you.

He wants a wife.

Well, there's just three of us.

We don't have an idea what we're doing.

We thought this was Iraq.

Can you believe that? Iraq.

Who would make that stupid mistake?

You and you men

have really done some good here.

Oh, well, just goes to show you

what a little hard work

and ingenuity can do.

You must have learned

so much in the Army.

Oh, shoot, yeah.

We're all highly-trained individuals.

Hey, Larry! Help me out with this thing!

Well, most of us, anyway.

- I better handle this. I'll see you later.

- Okay.

I think I got it now.

Look out, you idiot! Not at the village!

- Oh, yeah.

- Turn it!

Stand back!

Damn it! That's been happening all day!

I don't get it.

I'm gonna get this thing working

if it kills me.

- Damn it. Come on, Everett!

- I'm right behind you, buddy!

Damn!

People of La Miranda,

you have disobeyed your Jefe

by not paying my tribute.

Now, come out and take your punishment!

Hold it right there!

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