Delta Farce Page #6

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You're in a lot of trouble, gringo!

This is not Iraq!

I am the law here!

I am Carlos Santana!

The singer?

Definitely not the singer.

We caught your friend here

trying to call his wife.

What?

You found a phone,

and the one person you call is your wife?

She gets moody if I don't check in.

She sounds like a real b*tch, senor.

You have to set some boundaries.

All right, turn him loose!

Turn him loose?

We have you outnumbered.

What are you gonna do,

kill us all by yourself?

Nope.

I'm just gonna kill you.

Oh.

I hadn't thought of that.

Well, looks like we got ourselves

a Mexican standoff.

Actually, senor,

down here, we just call it a standoff.

Yeah, okay.

Tell your people to stand back.

This is my town!

You don't give the orders here, I do!

In just a few minutes,

the entire 101st Airborne

is gonna come down that road.

They are?

Just go with me on this.

Senor, I think you're bluffing!

Iraq, it's a land of miracles.

Sarge? You're alive?

Shut up, numb nuts.

Surprised to see me, maggots?

Can we sort this out later, Sarge?

- Little bit of a situation on our hands.

- You bet your ass we got a situation.

You a**holes are A-W-O-L!

What?

I was just telling these armed men,

the rest of our highly-trained

firepower-out-the-ass 101st Airborne

was coming up right behind you.

Are you nuts?

We're not even in Iraq.

There's no one here! We're alone.

Now give me that weapon.

This sh*t-hole of a country is Mexico.

Hey!

You're not exactly a box of chocolates,

eh, sweetheart?

Mind your own business, Pedro.

Actually, senor, this is my business.

Oh, sh*t.

Put your hands in the air now!

You have the right to remain silent!

You have the right to an attorney!

What the hell is that?

This is a Mark 153 shoulder-launch

multipurpose assault weapon.

Who wants to ride the pain train?

Well, boys, looks like we got ourselves

a Mexican standoff.

Hey, Sarge. You still got your testicles?

Everett? Everett, hand that thing over.

- No, I can do it.

- Hand it over.

I'm a trained law enforcement officer.

You're gonna hurt somebody.

Watch and learn!

Everett, no!

Incoming!

Hell, yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

Not only have you saved us again,

but you've given us the miracle of water.

- Nice shooting, Everett.

- I know.

You know what they say?

The Army, toughest job you'll ever love.

No, that's the Peace Corps.

Hey!

Where's Sarge?

God damn it, Everett!

I'm gonna tear off your head

and sh*t down your...

Say hello to my nephew Ruben.

Sh*t.

Do you really think this is a good idea?

I mean, we've already buried Sarge once,

and I don't know

if I can go through this again,

emotionally speaking.

Look, he may be an a**hole,

but he's our a**hole.

Everett, what are you doing?

I'm changing the terror level

from orange to red pinata.

Everett, get down!

Are you sure you must do this?

This is not your fight.

Look, once they messed with Sarge,

it became our fight.

Bin Laden, here we come!

Shut up, Everett.

Lock up the prisoner!

Jefe, are we going

to burn down La Miranda?

Tonight it's wrestling!

Yeah!

El Javalina!

Who's he fighting, Jefe?

You and Hector.

But, Jefe...

I would love to.

All right. Does everybody know the plan?

Yeah.

Affirmative.

Crack skulls and kick ass!

Well, we may never see him again.

I'm gonna miss that little mongoloid.

You disable the vehicles.

I'm gonna get Sarge.

Boy, am I glad to see a friendly face.

I have had the darnedest time

ever since I left the interstate.

I think we took a wrong

turn at buenas noches.

What you have to do is...

That's what I need to do right there.

I'm getting too fat for this sh*t.

Electric shock, huh?

Well, in the Mekong Delta,

the Vietcong stuck bamboo shoots

under my fingernails.

It'll take a lot more than that to break me.

What the hell is this?

It's a duet!

Hey, hey, hey!

Who else is man enough

to step into the ring?

Right here, amigo!

Who is this maricn?

I don't know,

but I like him.

He's got style!

Muchachos, a masked challenger

is gonna take on El Javalina.

Hold on, Sarge. I'm coming.

Come on, Tijuana! You want some?

You gonna get some!

Hey, don't you worry about anything, man.

I'm a pro.

I'm a card-carrying member

of the Georgia

Independent Wrestling Alliance.

Just take a lookout for my trick knee.

Man, look at the size of that son of a b*tch.

- He'd have ripped you a...

- Get me loose!

I hate Sonny and Cher.

Hey, Bill's down by the gate.

I'm gonna go get Everett.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Hey, Sarge.

You're wearing the enemy's uniform.

I should have known you'd be a traitor.

No, I'm undercover.

I'm wrecking the vehicles. Here's the plan.

I'm putting sugar in their gas tanks.

I got a better idea.

Okay.

Oh!

I see we're playing

by Panamanian prison rules.

Yeah, take some of this, amigo!

You just bought yourself

a six pack of pain, buddy!

Come get some!

I'm the king! I'm the king!

Get set for the full force of the U.S. Military!

Get them, guys!

Guys?

I know you!

You're that retarded guy with the bazooka!

It was a rocket-launcher.

Kill this cabrn!

Hold it right there!

You gotta be kidding me!

You gringos are like

a bad case of the crabs.

I can't get rid of you!

Everett, get over here.

You, senor, are either very brave

or very stupid.

Either way, you can't kill all of us.

Probably not.

I'll just kill you.

Damn! I keep doing that.

Good job, Larry.

I'm out of here. You disarm them,

and I'll meet you back

at Checkpoint Charlie.

All right, come on! Let's get out of here!

Let's go! Shotgun!

Damn you, Everett!

They're over there!

Look at our cars, Jefe.

Who would do such a thing?

That's vandalism!

Saddle up the horses

and bring out Big Bertha!

Come on! Move, move, move!

Come on! Let's go!

Go! Go!

This is the end of La Miranda.

You made it back.

I'm so glad. I was very worried.

There's still a certain senorita

I gotta take out on the town.

Or make sweet, sweet love to her

under the stars

as a mariachi bands serenades you

with a song of romance and desire.

You saved our village

by killing Carlos Santana.

Well, not quite.

Son, make it quick. We gotta get going.

What? We can't leave.

Santana might be

on his way down here right now,

and this village is defenseless.

Son, you showed me something

by coming to save me, you really did.

But this is out of my hands.

We have to leave.

- Bill?

- This isn't Iraq.

It's Mexico.

We did what we could do,

but this isn't our fight.

Sorry, son.

I'm not leaving.

Oh, Larry, come on!

Private, I'm giving you an order.

I think you guys forgot what our orders are.

We're supposed to bring

freedom and democracy

to people that need it.

I think these people need it.

I'm staying.

I'm staying to finish the job.

I'm staying to do what's right.

Anybody that's with me can cross this line.

Oh, come on, guys!

Sarge, look at these people.

They're honest, hardworking.

They got hopes, dreams.

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