Deranged Page #2

Gonna have to put you

back together

like that old egg in the fairy story.

I'm glad you're home.

Here's your Bible.

Your bell.

So he brought her home.

And what now?

Now he intended to restore her.

And to that purpose

he began reading everything he could

about embalming... taxidermy.

But it wasn't an easy job.

His mother had been buried

for over a year now.

There were lots of repairs to make.

He tried to patch her

with fish skin, with wax,

with any substance which he thought

resembled human flesh.

It wasn't until later

that the idea of using

real flesh occurred to him.

'Ironically enough,

it was his friend and neighbour

'who accidentally gave him

the inspiration.'

God is great, God is good,

let us thank him for this food.

Amen.

Oh, and please take good care

of old Miss Johnson.

Pass the bread to Ezra,

will you, Brad?

What's the matter

with old Miss Johnson?

She kicked the bucket.

She didn't kick the bucket.

She passed away.

My Miss Johnson?

My old Sunday School teacher?

- The very same one.

- I don't believe that.

It's right here in today's paper.

Here it is.

The funeral was this afternoon.

That lady taught me

all through Sunday School

and in the sixth grade.

Taught Ez, too.

Remember that, Ez,

back in sixth grade?

Used to call her

"old flannel face".

- Remember that, Ez?

- No, sir.

Yeah, that's her, all right.

Here. Remember her, Ez?

Oh, that's...

that's old Miss Johnson there.

What's she doing

in the newspaper?

Dang it, Ez,

I just told you she's dead.

You mean they put her in the paper

just 'cause she's dead?

What's the matter with you, Ez?

That's her danged obituary.

Her what?

Don't tell me you don't know

what's an obituary.

If that don't beat all.

Well, look, when a body dies,

they take all the information

and they put it in the newspaper

in the obituary section.

It tells when the funeral is

and where they're being buried

and all that kind of stuff.

You mean I can find out

where and when

somebody's been buried

on the very same day?

Light at the end of the tunnel,

all right, yes, siree.

You're right, Ez.

Well, I'm gonna look into that.

I'd rather read

the sports section, myself.

Not me. This here could be

real valuable information.

Why? What are you planning to do?

Dig 'em up or something?

No, sir.

Wouldn't have to dig it all up.

Well, I'm sure glad to hear that.

Sure. Why dig it all up

when you can take the parts you need?

Sure, maybe like...

like if you needed the head

for repairs or something,

well, then, just take the head.

Oh, Ez, you're a crazy S.O.B.

Hi, Miss Johnson. Remember me?

I used to be in your

Sunday School class.

There she comes now, real easy.

Next thing to do is get this hair off.

See, Mama?

All I got to do is stitch it on you.

Look, Mama.

I brought you a visitor.

Shh. Don't stay too long, now.

Bet you two ladies have

a lot to talk about.

After that, Ezra made

many visits to the graveyard,

bringing home bodies,

or parts of bodies,

to keep his mother

and himself company.

He was a ghoul, a necromaniac,

a defiler of the dead,

but he had not yet turned

his sickness on a living victim.

It was only a matter of time

until he did.

We're gonna have to take those plugs out,

and take 'em into town -

either get 'em cleaned or get new ones.

- Ez?

- Sir?

Er, me and Mother,

we've been talking and, er...

Well, we've been thinking that...

Sir?

Well, dang it all, first off,

stop callin' me "sir".

You're as old as I am.

And secondly,

stop callin' Jenny "ma'am".

You're a growed man, Ez.

That's what I wanted...

to talk to you about.

I wanted to talk to you

man to man.

See, we're... well, Jenny and me,

we're worried about you,

living up in that old house

there all by yourself,

and, er, we just thought that...

well, we...

Dang it, Jennifer says

you should be married,

and that's what she says

and that's that, so...

Ezra, what my husband means

is that...

Well, we're just kind of worried

about you, that's all,

and, well, we thought it would be nice

if you could meet someone,

and I'd be glad to introduce you

if you wanted,

you know, someone nice who could be

a companion for you, that's all.

Nope. No'm.

I don't trust 'em.

You don't trust who, Ez?

You know... girls and stuff.

Damn right.

Don't you know any girls

you could trust, Ezra?

No'm.

Except my mother

and Maureen Selby.

Say, I can trust her.

I know I can trust her.

Why do you think

you can trust her, Ez?

Aw, 'cause... she's fat.

I know I can trust her. She's fat.

Well then, why don't you

give her a call?

- Think I should?

- Sure.

Go ahead, Ez, why don't you?

Maybe it'll help her

lose some weight.

Yes?

- Miss Selby?

- Yes?

I'm Ezra Cobb.

Yes?

Amanda Cobb's boy.

Amanda Cobb's boy?

Oh, come in, do.

Oh, my!

Yes, Amanda Cobb.

I was so sorry to hear

about her passing.

Do you know that she and I were once

as close as two webbed fingers?

And then...

something happened.

I don't know. She took on

a grudge or something.

She always had a grudge

going against somebody.

Do sit down.

I don't know what it was, I don't like

to cast aspersions on the dead,

but Amanda did take on a grudge

like a steel trap to a rabbit's foot.

So then whenever I tried to see her

she wouldn't even let me in.

Oh, come and sit over here.

It's more comfortable,

the big cushion.

So, er...

So then I didn't see her again for oh...

many, many years.

And, er...

Would you like something to drink?

No'm.

I'm sorry

I can't offer you hard liquor,

but I have never taken

a drink in my life,

and I never will.

How about some

Whitman's Sampler?

They're my one vice, damn it.

Well, Mr Cobb, what do you do?

Ma'am?

- Well, what do you do?

- Oh.

Just, er, take care of Mama

and keep the house in order,

I guess.

Take care of Mama?

Y-y-you mean, your mother?

Yes'm.

- Today at lunch, she said that...

- Mr Cobb.

You talk to your mother?

Yes'm.

Mr Cobb,

are you making fun of me?

No'm.

You sure?

Yes'm.

Cross my heart.

I thought you were

making fun of me.

A lot of people around here do,

you know.

They make fun of me because...

Because...

I talk to Herbert.

Herbert?

My late husband.

I talk to him all the time.

This is his picture, see?

He was killed four years ago.

Burned up in an automobile accident

on Route 7.

We were very happy.

We still are.

At least, he tells me he is.

I spoke to him last night.

Say, Ezra, you know

what we ought to do?

- Is it all right if I call you Ezra?

- Yes'm.

Well, Ezra, why don't we all

get together some night

and hold a four-way sance -

you, me, Herbert, and Amanda?

That is, if Amanda's

speaking to me nowadays.

What do you say?

Er, you mean

all get together and talk?

Oh, yes. Oh, it'll be such fun.

Herbert's never met Amanda. Please?

Um, I don't know.

Well, um... I'll ask her.

Make it Thursday night.

Shake on it?

She is fat, Mama,

just like you said.

But I like that fat.

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