Desperate Living Page #4

---

Eat it, you b*tch!

Put my baby

in the refrigerator.

Eat it! Murderer!

Oh, good Christ.

Are you crazy?

Are you trying to kill her?

Get your stinkin' liquor

breath out of my face...

you drunken slob!

You!

You crazy woman!

Open this window.

You should be

in a mental hospital.

You pissy-ass drunk!

Get away from me.

Take your ass to A.A.!

Get out of here, you slob!

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry.

I've never seen my baby again.

The press still calls me

the Dog Food Murderess.

I can never go back.

I couldn't bear the shame.

And you, Mole,

what happened to you?

Well, I've been in Mortville

for 10 long years...

and it isn't very pretty

what a town without pity can do.

What brought me here was

a championship wrestlin' match.

It was back in 1966...

and I was fightin' under

the name of Rastlin' Rita.

My challenger was Big Jimmy

Dong, the Human Blockhead.

Good evening,

Ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Ringside Arena.

Tonight's main event...

featuring Big Jimmy Dong,

the Human Blockhead.

And in the opposite corner,

his opponent... Rastlin' Rita!

F*** you!

That ended my professional

rastlin' career...

and I've been here

ever since...

sittin' in my own stink

and tryin' to figure a way out.

But our luck's gonna

be changin'. Right, Muff?

Right, Mole,

we're gonna win that lottery.

I believe that was

our lottery ticket.

It was yours, but you

rented a room, asswipe.

That ticket's mine now.

Well, you better

give us our share.

We need money.

We're not trash like you.

We're not used to

this low-class life.

I'll wipe the floor with you!

- Break it up!

- Rip her head right off!

Those lottery tickets

ain't no good no way.

The odds are a million to one.

Don't say that!

You'll hex our good luck.

I'm warnin' you both.

You better stay out of my way...

because when old Mole

gets mean...

there's no tellin'

what she'll do.

Peggy, I think

it's time for bed.

Now we both need

a good night's sleep.

Oh, I'll sleep, all right.

Maybe in my dreams I can forget

this rotten little town...

and its disgusting population.

As far as I'm concerned,

you two belong in Mortville.

Oh, those bosoms

drive me berserk, baby.

That was an unh-unh!

Go, Peggy, go!

Get it, Peggy. Oh, Peggy.

Grizelda, it's so unnatural!

Oh, get it!

Just get it, Peggy!

But I don't know how!

Just eat it, Peggy.

If it's good enough

for Gertrude Stein...

Eat it, Peggy!

Wake up! Wake up!

Let's go!

- Come on, let's go!

- Get out of bed!

What the f*** is that now?

- Come on, wake up!

- Royal proclamation!

All residents must read

the royal proclamation!

Here, stupid.

You won't believe this, Muffy.

That cow has gone

too far this time.

Listen to this sh*t.

"Royal proclamation.

Queen Carlotta...

"has proclaimed today

as Backwards Day.

"All residents must wear

their clothes backwards...

"and walk backwards

at all times.

"Anyone who fails to perform

for the tourists...

will be immediately executed."

God! You mean we have to walk

around backwards all day?

Looks that way, Muffy.

And on an empty stomach yet.

Mole, I'm starving to death.

Ditto, doll face.

The cupboard's bare, Muffy!

It ain't right to wake up...

hearin' your own stomach

growlin'.

I guess we'll just have to

wait for the food dump.

Everywhere I look's a big

nothing! I'd eat anything!

I know, Mole. I'm so hungry

I could eat cancer.

Isn't this a godsend?

P*ssy brought daddy

some breakfast!

I hope those other two...

aren't expecting

a continental breakfast...

'cause old Mole's gonna chomp

this down in one big bite.

Marshmallow.

Oh, that looks good.

And Cheez-its

for my little tummy.

This is so... it's so good.

Well, good morning,

little birdy.

You're a cute little fella.

Want some pizza?

I bet you're hungry.

Yes, birdy.

I bet you flew

all the way to Mortville...

just to see Backwards Day,

didn't you?

Well, you flew

into the right window...

because I'm your Queen.

Excuse me, Your Highness...

but Princess Coo-Coo has just

escaped from her royal bedroom.

She what? That little M.F.

Come on and get me into my cot.

- Be quick, too. Come on.

- I honor you, Your Majesty.

Come on, you goons.

Get me into that cot.

Come on. Let's hurry.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on, you big ape.

Hurry up.

Why, that ungrateful

little whippersnapper!

She escaped by shimmying

down this rope of sheets.

On Backwards Day yet?

I want you morons to find her...

and as for that garbage man,

I want him shot on sight.

Damn that hellcat

of a daughter of mine.

That good-for-nothing,

simpleminded scalawag! Damn it!

Oh, Christ.

Pardon me.

- Watch it, clown!

- Sorry.

- Hi, Mr. Paul!

- Hi, doll face!

This Backwards Day's

a lot of sh*t, ain't it?

Sure is, Mr. Paul. It sure is.

- Can we come?

- Oh, f***.

Wait, wait!

Wait for us!

Come on.

Sorry! Nudists only!

No tourists!

- Shina, it's me Muffy!

- Well, why didn't you say...

it was the most beautiful

woman in Mortville?

Hi, darlin'. Hey, Mr. Mole.

This is Grizelda and Peggy.

They're new in Mortville.

It's nice to meet you.

Shina, you got

today's paper around?

We want to see if we won

the Maryland lottery.

You know newspapers

are contraband...

but I sure hope you do win.

This town could stand

a little glamour.

- I tell you, I'm gettin' fed up.

- We're all fed up, Shina.

At least you don't have to

participate in Backwards Day.

I know! I'm surprised

the Queen didn't order me...

to wear my vagina backwards.

Excuse me, but I must see

Herbert, my love.

I honor you, Princess Coo-Coo.

You don't have to do that.

I'm not like my mother.

I'm a normal person.

Come on, now. Get up. Please.

Herbert's out there searchin'

for garbage as usual...

but I tell you, if you two

are havin' an affair...

be careful! That Queen

will cut off your ears!

Let her do it, then. Herbert

doesn't care if I have ears.

He only cares about my mind.

Oh, Coo. I worship

the ground you walk on.

I couldn't keep my mind

on my work all mornin'.

Every piece of trash I had

to pick up reminded me of you.

An old candy wrapper made me

think of how sweet you are.

A snotty Kleenex made me

realize how much I'd cry...

if we ever had to part.

An old rubber made me think

of all the nights of Eros...

we have before us.

I love you, Coo-Coo.

I masturbated 14 times

last night thinkin' of you...

and when I finally

did fall asleep...

my dreams were not exactly dry.

Take me now, Herbert.

Take me in front

of the whole town!

Oh, my God! Oh, no!

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, no! What hell lays

in store for us now?

I don't know, Peggy.

Just keep up with Mole!

How do you like that?

Get him, girl!

What kind of a bar is this?

Who asked you to sit

with us, anyway?

Well, I have to use

the ladies room.

- The piss hole's out back.

- I'll save your seat for you.

Over here, baby!

Sit on my face!

- Stop it! No! Oh, God!

- Sit on my face over here!

No! Stop! Leave me alone!

Oh, lookin' for some action?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote