Detectorists

Season #2 Episode #13

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201 EXT. BISHOP’S FARM ‘HOME FIELD’ - DAEXT. BISHOP’S FARM ‘HOME FIELD’ - DAY

Distant bird song: YELLOWHAMMER.

Andy and Lance are detecting a few metres apart.

Andy gets a signal and digs a plug of soil out of the

ground.

LANCE:

What you got?

Andy pulls something from the hole and scrapes off the dirt.

ANDY:

Matchbox car... Chevrolet Corvette.

He considers this for a minute.

ANDY:

How in god’s name does that get out

into the middle of a field in Essex?

LANCE:

Dunno.

ANDY:

I mean, who’s been playing with cars

out here?

LANCE:

Dunno.

ANDY:

You know? A Roman coin I can

understand, but a Chevy Corvette?

Doesn’t make any sense.

A pause as they continue detecting.

LANCE:

Did you hear about old Bob Cromer?

ANDY:

What about him?

LANCE:

Dead mate.

ANDY:

Shut up!

LANCE:

Struck by lightning.

ANDY:

No!

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 2.

LANCE:

That’s the third in the last year.

Greg Peters, Janet Horwell and now

Bob. You know why don’t you?

ANDY:

Why?

Lance gets an interesting signal and starts to dig.

LANCE:

Because the best finds always show

up just before a thunderstorm.

Suddenly you’ve left it too late and

you’re the highest point on the

landscape. All three were running

when they were struck.

ANDY:

What a way to go.

Lance retrieves something from the hole and wipes the dirt

from it.

ANDY:

What you got?

LANCE:

Pontiac Firebird.

Titles:

DETECTORISTS:

202 EXT. BISHOP’S FARM ‘HOME FIELD’ - DAY

Lance and Andy are eating their sandwiches sitting next to a

hedgerow.

Lance pours out black coffee from a flask and offers it to

Andy.

LANCE:

Cup of ‘Good Morning America’?

ANDY:

No thanks.

Lance sips the coffee.

LANCE:

“That is a damn fine cup of coffee!”

What’s.....?

ANDY:

(interrupting)

Twin Peaks.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 3.

Lance nods. Pause.

LANCE:

So I was thinking of getting the

band back to together.

ANDY:

What band?

LANCE:

You and me.

ANDY:

Were we in a band?

LANCE:

Yes! We jammed a few times.

ANDY:

I only remember once, round your

flat trying to do ‘Wonderwall’ and

you couldn’t reach the high notes.

LANCE:

It was more than once.

ANDY:

Did we have a name?

LANCE:

‘Fanny Magnet’.

ANDY:

That’s right. ‘Fanny Magnet’

LANCE:

Anyway. I’ve written a song and I

want us to do it at the open-mic

night at The White Horse.

ANDY:

What’s the song called?

LANCE:

‘New Age Girl’.

ANDY:

Is it about Maggie?

LANCE:

No.

ANDY:

Alright. I’m up for it. If it’s any

good.

*

*

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 4.

LANCE:

Ok, come round before we head over

to the club on Tuesday and I’ll play

it to you.

V.O.

Hey there!

They look up as they hear a distant shout from across the

field.

LANCE:

Who’s this?

They squint towards two figures coming across the field.

ANDY:

Looks like Simon and Garfunkel.

The two approaching figures, one tall and blonde, the other

small and dark, do indeed resemble the folk duo, except they

are carrying metal detectors instead of guitars.

We may as well call them PAUL & ART.

Art is carrying a folder under his arm.

The pair storm up and stop in front of them, slightly out of

breath.

ART:

Hello there.

LANCE:

Watcha.

ART:

How are we?

Lance and Andy look at each other, unsure how to answer.

Eventually:

ANDY:

Feeling groovy?

Andy and Lance touch fists.

ART:

Good, good....

Lovely day.

LANCE:

Isn’t it.

Short pause as they look at the lovely day.

Lance points to Art’s detector.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 4A.

LANCE:

Haven’t seen one of them for a few

years.

ART:

The Arado? Yes, very rare these days,

but there’s a few still out there if

you know where to look.

LANCE:

Antique shops?

ART:

They’re certainly classics.

You’ve gone for the CTX I see. *

LANCE:

It’s a good machine.

ART:

A bit flashy for me. *

LANCE:

Yeah. Not really your style. *

ART:

Do you have permission to detect on

this land?

LANCE:

Indeed we do. Do you?

PAUL:

Who from?

LANCE:

Not telling you.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 5.

ART:

Immature.

LANCE:

Are you?

ART:

No you are.

ANDY:

We got there first.

PAUL:

There’s nothing to stop us getting

permission from the landowner.

ANDY:

Farmer Bishop said we have exclusive

rights. Fifty fifty.

Art indicates the file under his arm.

ART:

Well we shall have to see if we can

make Farmer Bishop a more attractive

proposition.

ANDY:

Who are you? A Bond Villain?

ART:

We have done extensive research. I

assume you’ve done the same?

LANCE:

Of course.

ANDY:

Yep.

ART:

We shall see...

ANDY:

Mr Bond.

Art rubs a watery eye.

LANCE:

Oh god sorry. We didn’t mean to make

you cry.

ART:

It’s hayfever.

LANCE:

Please don’t cry mate. I feel awful.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 6.

Simon and Garfunkel start to leave the way they came.

ART:

It’s hayfever, I forgot to take an

antihistamine.

LANCE:

Do you want to borrow my hanky?

ART:

I’m not crying.

Andy and Lance watch them go for a long beat.

Eventually Lance shouts out:

LANCE:

Please don’t cry!

They don’t respond.

LANCE:

That doesn’t bode at all well. What

was in the file? They know there’s

something here.

ANDY:

We need to see Bishop, tell him not

to grant anyone else permission.

Lance looks at his watch.

LANCE:

Yeah. Can you pop in and see him on

the way back? I said I’d help Maggie

in the shop.

ANDY:

What?! When will you learn to say

‘no’?

LANCE:

I don’t want to say ‘no’, I like

helping her.

ANDY:

Alright, I’ll go and see him. But

remember I don’t have any of your

charm and charisma.

LANCE:

Do your best.

203 EXT. BISHOP’S FARM, FARMHOUSE - DAY

Andy approaches Bishop’s run down farmhouse and knocks at

the door.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 7.

Immediately a commotion starts inside with shouting and

furniture being toppled. As in episode one, we never see or

hear the dogs he is apparently yelling at.

BISHOP (V.O.)

QUIET! For god’s sake! Idiot

animals! Get Down!

Eventually the door opens and Bishop steps out. *

BISHOP:

Yes?

ANDY:

Hello Mr. Bishop it’s me. I came with

my friend to ask about detecting on

your land.

BISHOP:

Ah yes! The metal detectors!

ANDY:

Detectorists.

BISHOP:

Have you found something?

ANDY:

Not yet Mr. Bishop...

BISHOP:

Larry. *

ANDY:

Not yet Larry but we were wondering *

whether you’d mind not giving

permission to anyone else to search

your land?

BISHOP:

Right.

ANDY:

It’s just that there’s a contingency

of rogue detectorists out there...

BISHOP:

Rogues?

ANDY:

Yep, ‘treasure hunters’.

(pause)

Nighthawks.

BISHOP:

Nighthawks?

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 8.

ANDY:

Detectorists who have quite

literally turned to the dark side of

the force. They come under the cover

of night and rob important sites of

their artefacts.

BISHOP:

Good God!

ANDY:

I know. Despicable.

BISHOP:

Tell you what I remembered after

you’d gone.

There were some things ploughed up

years ago that you might be

interested in.

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