Detectorists Page #2

Season #2 Episode #13

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ANDY:

What sort of things?

BISHOP:

Well, I don’t know, trinkets, looked

like costume jewelry to me.

ANDY:

What happened to them?

BISHOP:

They’ll be around somewhere. God knows

where. I offered them to Justine but

she thought they were ugly.

ANDY:

Is that your wife?

Bishop spins around in panic.

BISHOP:

Where?

ANDY:

No! You just mentioned a Justine, I

wondered whether Justine was your

wife?

Bishop’s eyes have glazed over. He is brooding, breathing

heavily.

BISHOP:

Justine isn’t here.

He looks around again. He’s in a different world. Andy

watches uncomfortably. Bishop looks down and stares

intensely at the ground. He eventually bends down to pick up

a large stick. Calls out:

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 9.

BISHOP:

Come on then! Where are you?

Stop chasing those rabbits, you’ll

never catch them you great, fat,

unhealthy creatures.

He throws the stick which stays where it lands. He watches

the stick, chuckling to himself. He is himself again. He

turns back to Andy.

BISHOP:

Quite mad!

ANDY:

Yep... insane.

BISHOP:

Well, cheerio then, I’ll keep my

eyes peeled for those things.

Bishop turns a walks off, swinging a dog leash. Andy watches

him go.

204 I/E. NEW AGE SHOP - DAY

Lance is helping Maggie carry some large boxes from a van

into the shop.

MAGGIE:

Oh that’s lovely Lance! How

exciting!

LANCE:

Well, I thought, ‘nothing to lose’.

MAGGIE:

I always said you should do

something with your music didn’t I?

LANCE:

You did.

MAGGIE:

I used to love it when you played

your mandolin. Reminded me of

Kermit.

LANCE:

Kermit plays the banjo.

MAGGIE:

How exciting though!

LANCE:

You think you can come?

MAGGIE:

Definitely.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 10.

They deposit the last of the boxes in the shop. Lance reads

the label on one of them.

LANCE:

What is all of this? It says on the

box, ‘Mixed Spiritual’.

MAGGIE:

Yeah it’s spiritual stuff. Mixed.

Tarot cards, dream-catchers, resin

dragons. There’s this massive

warehouse out by Stansted. You buy

it buy the weight. It’s cheap but

you don’t know what you’re going to

get.

LANCE:

A spiritual lucky dip.

MAGGIE:

Kind of yeah.

Tony appears from the back room, hair messy and wearing a

grubby dressing gown.

TONY:

Oh hello Lance, nice to see you. She

got you slaving?

LANCE:

Tony. Didn’t realise you were here.

You not lending a hand?

TONY:

I can’t. With my herniated discs.

LANCE:

Gutted.

MAGGIE:

Lance has invited us to a folk night

at The White Horse next week. *

Damn.

TONY:

Sounds good.

Damn it.

MAGGIE:

Lance is doing a gig.

LANCE:

It’s not a gig. I might do a song,

haven’t decided yet. Probably won’t.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 11.

TONY:

Alright Lance! Rock and roll! What’s

the song about?

LANCE:

Nothing.

TONY:

Nothing? What’s it called?

LANCE:

(ignoring him)

I better get going if that’s

everything Mags.

MAGGIE:

Alright love thanks. Oh, and are you

still ok to take my mum to bingo?

LANCE:

Yeah ok.

(to Tony)

You not around?

TONY:

No. Football.

LANCE:

Oh right. You playing?

TONY:

Watching.

LANCE:

Right. Portman Road?

TONY:

No, on TV.

LANCE:

Right.

MAGGIE:

Thanks love. You know how she loves

her bingo.

LANCE:

Yeah. Ok. See ya.

Lance glances across at Tony who smiles.

TONY:

(is that a hint of a smug

grin?)

Bye bye Lance!

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 12.

205 EXT. OUTSIDE PRIMARY SCHOOL - DAY

Andy is sitting on a low wall opposite the entrance to a

primary school at home time. He is flicking through messages

on his phone and unaware that a mum is speaking to a

policeman close by and looking in his direction.

The policeman wanders over.

POLICEMAN:

Afternoon sir.

ANDY:

Hello.

POLICEMAN:

Do you have a child in this school

sir?

ANDY:

Pardon?

POLICEMAN:

Do you have a son or daughter who

attends this school?

ANDY:

No, no, I don’t have any kids.

POLICEMAN:

Right. Just taking a few photos?

Andy hasn’t caught on yet.

ANDY:

Um, no, I was checking my messages.

POLICEMAN:

Can I ask why you’re here?

ANDY:

I’m waiting for my girlfriend.

She’ll be out soon.

POLICEMAN:

What class?

ANDY:

Um, Chaffinch class I think.

POLICEMAN:

I think all the pupils from

Chaffinch class have gone.

ANDY:

What? She’s the teacher, she not...

she’s their teacher.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 13.

He spots Becky coming out the gates, she waves.

ANDY:

Here she is.

POLICEMAN:

Rightyoh sir, it’s just you were

making a couple of the mums nervous.

Andy looks over to where a bunch of mums are talking about

him. The policeman wanders back to reassure them.

Becky approaches.

BECKY:

Hullo. This is a nice surprise.

ANDY:

Good day?

BECKY:

Yeah, not bad.

ANDY:

Do I look like a pedophile?

BECKY:

What?

ANDY:

I’ve just been questioned by a

policeman because I was making the

mums nervous.

Becky cracks up, she thinks this is hilarious.

BECKY:

What were you doing?

ANDY:

Nothing! What do you think I was

doing? I was just sitting there,

waiting for you.

BECKY:

You have got a bit of a look about

you.

ANDY:

What sort of look?

BECKY:

Well I’d have said it was more drug

dealer than pedophile.

ANDY:

Oh, that’s probably what it was.

I feel better now.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 14.

BECKY:

Yeah, don’t worry about it.

206 EXT. PARK - DAY

206

Andy & Becky are walking home through a park.

ANDY:

Lance is not my boyfriend.

BECKY:

He worships you!

ANDY:

No he doesn’t, he thinks I’m a wet

blanket.

BECKY:

Maybe he’s more astute than I give

him credit for.

ANDY:

Cute. I think he’s lonely.

He says he wants to get the old band

back together.

BECKY:

Were you in a band?

ANDY:

Apparently.

BECKY:

What were you called?

ANDY:

Can’t remember.

He wants us to do one of his songs

at The White Horse next Thursday. *

Can you come?

BECKY:

It’s a school night. I’ll have

marking to do.

ANDY:

Bugger.

BECKY:

What’s brought this on then?

Is he having a crisis?

ANDY:

I think he’s trying to impress

Maggie.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 15.

BECKY:

Oh dear. He needs to move on.

What’s the song like?

ANDY:

Haven’t heard it yet. Could be

excruciating. Could be really

embarrassing. Please come?

BECKY:

You’re really selling it. I’d truly

love to come but I’ll have thirty

stories to read. Imagine their

little faces when I tell them I

couldn’t be bothered and went to the

pub instead.

ANDY:

F*** ‘em.

Becky laughs.

207 EXT. DUAL CARRIAGEWAY - DAY 207

Andy, wearing ear-protectors is swinging a strimmer like a

metal detector on the central reservation of a dual

carriageway. He spots something, bends down and picks up a

toad which he places in the pocket of his high-vis vest.

He stops the strimmer, feels in his pocket for his phone,

answers it.

ANDY:

Hello mate...

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