Detectorists Page #3

Season #2 Episode #13

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Intercut with:

208 EXT. FRUIT AND VEG DEPOT - DAY 208

A wide shot of Lance’s work place. Lance is on the phone,

sitting in his fork-lift. On the tarmac are upturned wooden

pallets and swedes are rolling around.

LANCE:

Do you like swedes?...

Good, you coming round? I’ll knock

something up...

Did you speak to Bishop?

209 EXT. DUAL CARRIAGEWAY - DAY 209

ANDY:

Yeah, interesting. Totally mad. I’ll

tell you when I come round, I’m

right in the middle of something...

The A414...

See you later.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 16.

210 INT. LANCE’S FLAT, LOUNGE - DAY

Close on details of Lance’s exquisite aquarium.

A small plastic treasure chest ornament nestles in amongst

the plants at the bottom. Every now and again the lid of the

chest opens and an air bubble escapes.

Wider and we see that Andy, carrying a guitar case, is

peering in the fish tank, his nose pressed up to the glass.

Lance shouts through from the kitchen.

LANCE (V.O.)

And he reckons he still has these

‘artefacts’?

ANDY:

He reckons so.

Andy slowly lifts his hand and is about to tap on the glass

with his knuckle when Lance enters with two plates of food

and makes him jump.

LANCE:

Don’t knock on the glass, it

stresses them out.

ANDY:

I wasn’t going to.

Andy puts his guitar down and goes to join Lance at the

table.

ANDY:

What are we eating?

LANCE:

‘Swede Surprise’

ANDY:

What’s the surprise?

LANCE:

How bland it is.

Andy eats a forkful.

ANDY:

Mmm! That is bland!

LANCE:

Surprisingly bland.

ANDY:

I wish you hadn’t told me.

Speaking of which, how much are we

going to tell the rest of the club

about Bishop?

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 17.

LANCE:

I reckon we keep it to ourselves for

the ‘tambourine’. If they get wind

of the previous excavation, or

Bishop’s ‘finds’, what ever they *

turn out to be, someone’s going to

phone the beards and it’ll all be

over.

We’ll say we’re still doing our

research. *

ANDY:

Deal.

So, when am I going to hear this

song of yours?

LANCE:

I don’t know if I even want to do it

anymore.

ANDY:

What? I’ve built myself up for it

now. I’ve invited some A & R people

down.

LANCE:

I’ve run into a problem.

ANDY:

With the song?

LANCE:

With the performance. With the

playing.

ANDY:

Yeah?

LANCE:

I can’t stand up.

Andy looks blank.

ANDY:

Yes you can, I’ve seen you.

LANCE:

I can’t stand up and play the

mandolin.

ANDY:

Why not?

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 18.

LANCE:

I just can’t. I’ve always sat cross

legged when I’ve been playing. Try

to stand up and it all goes to sh*t.

ANDY:

Show me.

Lance sits on the floor cross legged, takes his mandolin and

plays a bit. It’s alright.

ANDY:

Ok.

Lance stands, tries again, it’s awful.

ANDY:

Right. I see what you mean.

LANCE:

Might have to pull out.

ANDY:

Rubbish. You’ve got time. Practise.

LANCE:

I’ve tried, it’s not happening. I’ve

been playing too long sitting down.

ANDY:

Well, let’s hear the song.

Lance plays some of the song.

LANCE:

Back when the sky was clear and blue

I met a girl that looked like you

But when she opened her arms

I fell clean through

And now I don’t know what to do...

Well?

ANDY:

It’s quite good.

LANCE:

You sound surprised.

ANDY:

I am. I’m astounded.

LANCE:

Really? You think it’s astounding?

ANDY:

No, I’m astounded that it’s quite

good.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 19.

LANCE:

Fair enough.

ANDY:

(getting out his guitar)

What are the chords?

211 INT. SCOUT HALL - NIGHT

At the scout hall it's the weekly meeting of the Danebury

Metal Detecting Club.

Andy, Lance, Sophie, and Hugh are gathered, with cups of tea

and coffee, around the ‘finds table’: a trestle table with

three ‘finds’ on it. Lance is showing off, holding court:

LANCE:

...course it’s ninety percent

instinct. What you swinging these

days, young Hugh?

HUGH:

Um, still got the VK30.

LANCE:

Nothing wrong with the VK30, Hugh.

Good solid detector. Basic but it’s

got its place. Many a good find has

been found with the ‘30’. In fact...

(calls across to Terry who

is chatting with Russell)

Tez, what was the Eynsford hoard

found with?

TERRY:

XP DEUS.

LANCE:

Oh. Thought it was the VK30.

(to Hugh)

No, good on you though.

Andy, Lance and Sophie step away from the group to peruse

the finds table.

SOPHIE:

Are you going to announce your new

permission?

Andy and Lance are taken aback.

ANDY:

How did you know about that?

SOPHIE:

You told me didn’t you?

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 20.

ANDY:

Did I?

LANCE:

Well done mate. Who else have you

told?

SOPHIE:

Don’t worry I won’t mention it. Why

is it a secret?

LANCE:

It’s not a secret, it’s just...

we’re still researching it.

Terry and Russell wander over towards the table.

TERRY:

...No, I wouldn’t wish being struck

by lightning on anyone Russell... *

RUSSELL:

You just said he deserved it. *

TERRY *

That’s not what I said... *

RUSSELL *

You never liked Bob Cromer.

TERRY:

That’s not the point. It makes no

difference that Bob and I didn’t

always see eye to eye. What I’m

saying is that Bob Cromer ignored

some fundamental rules of health and

safety. It’s day one of metal

detecting school.

Sophie leans over to Andy and whispers:

SOPHIE:

Is there such a place?

ANDY:

No.

TERRY:

Bob wasn’t a member of this club and

I’m glad. We haven’t had a fatality

for three years in the D.M.D.C. and

I’d like to keep it that way.

(to Lance and Andy)

Hello chaps. How did you get on with *

Bishop? Has he told you where he

buried his wife?

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 20A.

LANCE:

Still very much in the research

phase Terry.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 21.

TERRY:

You can never do too much research

boys.

What are the three ‘R’s I’m always

talking about Hugh?

HUGH:

Research, research, research.

TERRY:

That’s right, I made that up to

emphasize just how important

research is.

Now, what’s going on with the finds

table?

Two matchbox cars and a spoon on the

finds table this week. We can do

better than that.

Lance picks up the spoon and examines it through a loupe.

LANCE:

Who’s is the spoon?

HUGH:

That’s mine.

TERRY:

Do we have an I.D. on the spoon?

LANCE:

Little Chef.

TERRY:

Come on people. I suggest you all go

and change the batteries in your

detectors.

212 EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Andy is walking Sophie home.

SOPHIE:

So why are you being so secretive?

What do you think is on that farm?

ANDY:

Well we know there’s a big Saxon

ship burial around here somewhere.

King Sexred of the East Saxons.

SOPHIE:

Richest of the 7th century kings.

ANDY:

Zactly.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 22.

SOPHIE:

Why do you think he’s around here?

ANDY:

We know he’s around here somewhere.

Bede says so in Historia

ecclesiastica.

SOPHIE:

Wow. You know ‘The Venerable Bede’?

ANDY:

Wow. Do you know what ‘patronize’

means?

SOPHIE:

Ha! Sorry. But I don’t think half

the professors at university have

read Bede.

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