Detectorists Page #4

Season #2 Episode #13

---

ANDY:

You can learn a lot from the

amateurs. We are the most

passionate, the plebs...

SOPHIE:

Can you say that these days?

ANDY:

In a historical context, yes...

SOPHIE:

I could do some reading at uni. See

what I can find out.

ANDY:

Yeah, cool.

SOPHIE:

Lance won’t mind will he?

ANDY:

No, why should he?

SOPHIE:

I think he thinks I’m muscling in.

ANDY:

Nah. He’s just very protective of

his patch, and his hobby. He’s got a

problem with The Antiquisearchers.

SOPHIE:

(innocently)

The ‘Antiquisearchers’?

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 23.

ANDY:

I know right? What does that evenmean? They’ve just taken the first

half of ‘antiquities’ and stuck it

on the front of ‘searchers’. Why

don’t they just call themselves the‘Antiquity Searchers’. It’s not likeit’s a pun or anything. It’s not

brilliant wordplay. Makes me mad.

SOPHIE:

And you say it’s Lance has the

problem?

213 INT. LANCE’S FLAT, LOUNGE - NIGHT 213

Lance is sitting on the floor with his mandolin and a can ofbeer.

*

*

LANCE:

This next track, This first track,

This track... This is a song I wrotefor a very special young lady...

He smacks himself round the face.

LANCE:

I wrote this song for a very specialperson who means an awful lot to me.

A person whose light I could onlyreally see when she was gone and Iwas plunged into darkness.

He stops and thinks.

LANCE:

This song is about how we sometimescan’t see what’s right in front of

us until it’s gone. About how we

really only appreciate the goodthings in our lives... when they runoff with the manager of the localPizza Hut.

He takes a swig from the can and hangs his head.

214 INT. ANDY’S FLAT - NIGHT 214

Andy and Becky are on the sofa in front of the TV.

ANDY:

No but it’s actually alright. It’s

surprisingly good.

Becky is amused.

BECKY:

Tell me the lyrics.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 24.

ANDY:

I can’t remember them.

BECKY:

Yes you can, some of them.

ANDY:

You’ll have to come.

BECKY:

But it’s about Maggie?

ANDY:

I reckon so. Well, yeah, it is.

BECKY:

Are you singing or just playing?

ANDY:

I might lay down a harmony.

Becky cracks up.

BECKY:

Oh god, I think I’m gonna have to

come. I’ll work through lunch and

get my marking done.

And Lance is going to be sitting on

the floor?

ANDY:

Cross legged.

BECKY:

So who’s the front man?

ANDY:

He is I suppose. *

BECKY:

With you in the background staring

at the floor.

ANDY:

I won’t be staring at the floor,

what do you mean?

BECKY:

You’re always staring at the ground.

ANDY:

No I’m not.

BECKY:

You are! You’re always scanning the

ground looking for stuff. You can’t

help yourself. All those years of

detecting. You never look up!

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 25.

No wonder you’ve got a bad back! You

spend your whole life stooped over

looking at the ground.

ANDY:

Oh come on!

BECKY:

Honestly, I bet you’d be amazed at

the things you’ve missed because

you’ve been locked in your own

little world staring at the floor.

ANDY:

Rubbish.

CUT TO:

215 EXT. BISHOP’S FARM ‘HOME FIELD’ - DAY

Andy and Lance are detecting, earphones on, staring intently

at the ground. A rumbling sound gets louder and louder

until, with a shattering roar, the RED ARROWS pass directly

overhead. Neither Lance nor Andy notice. Once they have gone

Andy pulls one of his phones from his ear and looks about,

he notices a figure leaning on a gate and waving on the far

side of the field. It’s Sophie, she is pointing up at the

sky. Andy waves then calls to Lance.

ANDY:

Oy mate!

Lance doesn’t respond so Andy picks up a stone and throws

it. Lance takes off his phones and comes over.

ANDY (CONT’D)

It’s Sophie.

LANCE:

Did you phone her?

ANDY:

Texted.

LANCE:

I thought we were doing this on our

own?

ANDY:

We are. She hasn’t even got a

detector, what’s the problem?

She already knew we got the

permission.

LANCE:

Only because you told her.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 26.

ANDY:

I don’t remember telling her. What’s

she saying?

Sophie is still pointing skyward. They look up. Nothing.

Andy beckons her over. She climbs the gate and comes towards

them. She is carrying a folder.

LANCE:

Sophie.

SOPHIE:

That was amazing! Did you organize

that for me?

LANCE:

What?

SOPHIE:

The fly-past?

They don’t know what she’s talking about.

LANCE:

Eh?

SOPHIE:

Nevermind. How’s it going?

LANCE:

Alright, yeah.

SOPHIE:

Found anything?

LANCE:

Not much.

ANDY:

Three copper nails and a *

screwdriver.

LANCE:

You got copper nails too? I’ve got

five of them.

SOPHIE:

Ship’s nails?

LANCE:

These are modern. Look brand new.

They’re a pain in the arse.

SOPHIE:

Well, I tried to find out about your

King Sexred.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 27.

LANCE:

And?

SOPHIE:

I don’t know. I’m not convinced he’s

around here.

ANDY:

Why not? Where is he?

SOPHIE:

I’m not sure he’s anywhere.

LANCE:

He has to be somewhere.

SOPHIE:

The Venerable Bede...

LANCE:

Over-rated.

SOPHIE:

(beat)

Ok.

Bede says that Sexred and his

brothers went to fight the West

Saxons and were slain.

LANCE:

We know that.

SOPHIE:

But if they went on the attack the

battle would have been fought in

Wessex.

LANCE:

They’d have brought the body back.

SOPHIE:

Their army was completely destroyed.

There was no-one left.

LANCE:

There might have been a couple...

SOPHIE:

Sorry, I don’t buy it.

Why are you so convinced he’s here?

ANDY:

He saw a documentary on Discovery

presented by Derek Thompson. *

SOPHIE:

Who?

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 28.

ANDY:

Charlie of off Casualty. *

LANCE:

No, actually, it’s not universally

accepted that they went West.

Some sources say that the Kings of

Wessex came here and fought the

battle here.

SOPHIE:

What sources?

ANDY:

Charlie off of Casualty. *

At this point Lance spots something in the hedge on the

other side of the field.

LANCE:

Who’s that?

They look over.

ANDY:

Where?

LANCE:

Over there in the hedge.

He takes out his compact binoculars.

SOPHIE:

Probably just a rabbit.

Lance starts striding across the field.

LANCE:

It’s those wankers trying to muscle

in on our patch.

CUT TO:

Simon and Garfunkel are lying in a ditch beside the hedge

trying to be invisible. Lance and Andy arrive and loom over

them. Sophie hangs back.

LANCE:

Morning. *

They peer up.

LANCE:

Just having a cuddle?

They sit up.

Detectorists - Episode 2 - 29.

LANCE:

What’s going on?

Art, petulant and defiant, cannot think of anything to say.

ART:

We don’t have to justify ourselves

to you.

LANCE:

Just having a cuddle in a ditch

then?

ART:

(to Paul)

Come on, let’s go...

As they get to their feet a bag of copper nails falls out of

Simon’s jacket and spill onto the ground.

LANCE:

Hang on. Hold it right there.

(picking up a handful of

nails)

You sneaky bastards! I’m calling the

police.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes