Detroit Rock City Page #9

HAWK:

(double stoked)

Stan Lee couldn't think of a better

one.

LEX:

The Chinese have a proverb: "That

which appears too good to be true,

usually is." There's gotta be a catch.

TRIP:

Yeah? I have a saying too, Lex. It

goes, "Catch my jizz in your mouth

and stop jinxing us, a**hole." We're

going this time and that's all there

is to it.

HAWK:

I'm afraid our constipated little

friend is right this time, Trip.

There is a catch.

Hawk's really got their attention now.

TRIP:

Namely?

HAWK:

Our band "Mystery" is a quartet and

we can't go on the road without our

drummer. Jam's mom said something

about sending him to St. Bernard's,

right? We gotta bust him out before

we go anywhere.

LEX:

But... but, St. Bernard's is way the

hell over in the next county!

HAWK:

So? Your mom's car has a CB, radar

detector and cruise control, check?

LEX:

We are not stealing my mom's car.

HAWK:

Damn straight we are.

LEX:

Hawk, all I need is one ding on the

Volvo and presto! There are my balls

hanging from the rearview mirror

after she gets back from Cincinnati.

HAWK:

And when is she due back from that

groinecologist's convention anyway?

LEX:

Sunday, but...

HAWK:

Then lighten up. She'll never know

we touched it. Alright, here's the

plan. We bus it to chez Lex, grab

the Volvo, bail Jam the hell outta

St. Bernard's and arrive at the train

station precisely on time for the

2:
45 to Detroit.

TRIP:

Simplicity, Hawk.

LEX:

Simple-icity is more like it. And

you guys thought Jam was in trouble

before. Wait till Mrs. Bruce finds

out he went to that concert with us.

HAWK:

There's only so much trouble an

individual can get into till it just

doesn't matter anymore, Lex. You

familiar with a condition known as

Absolute Zero?

LEX:

The hypothetical temperature

characterized by the absence of heat

and even the slightest amount of

molecular activity? Yeah, I'm vaguely

familiar

HAWK:

Well, Jam is in absolute trouble. He

couldn't get any deeper into sh*t if

he was a fly sitting in a horse's

ass. You know as well as me he'd

give his right arm just to see Peter

Criss's drum solo, never mind a whole

KISS concert, check?

Lex nods.

HAWK:

Well, the least we, his only buds in

the world, can do is take him along

with us tonight and give him one

last curl before he starts serving

his sentence.

TRIP:

Just for the record, I understood

the last part of what you said, but

for a while there you guys were making

no f***ing sense whatsoever.

HAWK:

I was just explaining to Lex here

what you and I already know. Just

had to make it a little more

complicated so he'd understand.

LEX:

Very funny, Hawk. Okay, I'm in on

this hare-brained scheme, but if

anything happens to my mom's car,

I'm blaming you. I'll say you drugged

me or something.

HAWK:

Curly.

Hawk scopes out the cafeteria to make sure the coast is clear.

HAWK:

Ok, dudes, follow my lead.

LEX:

Wait a minute. We ditching the rest

of school?

TRIP:

About f***in' time if you ask me.

I'm just going through the motions

till I drop out anyway.

LEX:

Hello summer detention.

HAWK:

As I was saying, follow my lead. And

maintain. Elvis just showed up.

Hawk points across the cafeteria and sure enough Elvis has

just entered. Luckily, he hasn't noticed the boys yet.

Elvis swaggers to a table of CHEERLEADERS, puts his leg on a

chair and starts a one-sided conversation with them. They

promptly push their trays away, having lost their appetites.

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