Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

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(DRUMROLL)

(FANFARE PLAYING)

(MUSIC ENDS)

Do we have to come to Corny's?

This place is for babies.

Then you fit right in, Greggy.

It's not a place for babies,

it's a place for family-style dining,

right, Frank?

That's right.

And the buffet's all-you-can-eat,

so take advantage.

Thanks for inviting me, Mr. and Mrs. Heffley.

I hear their ball pit is super deep!

(CRYING)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

# Right down from my toes

to my belly and brain #

# Gotta shake myself

jump up in the shower #

# Gotta fix my health

how many hours #

# Did I spent last night

with the whiskey neat #

# In a really big zone on the floor #

# Until I lost the beat #

# And now I'm incomplete #

# Heebie jeebies #

This place really is the worst.

BOY:
Incoming!

(PIG GRUNTING)

It's his new video.

It's supposed to be awesome.

Okay, enough.

You know the rule...

devices away during dinner.

MAC DIGBY:

So I'm cruising through the spaceship

and it looks like you get

to interact with all the aliens.

So it's pretty tight. Pretty amazeballs!

I hate that Mac Digby.

He's a horrible role model.

Are you kidding?

He's like the greatest guy I know.

Hey!

Rowley, I bet your family

doesn't have this problem with technology.

Oh, yeah, my mom's really strict

about her one-hour limit on screen time.

See?

One hour a day, that's all they need.

It's a week. One hour a week.

I have failed as a parent.

No.

So who's excited

about the Great Heffley Road Trip?

Hmm?

A journey across the U.S. of A. to Meemaw's.

Do we have to go?

It's Meemaw's 90th birthday,

and everyone's gonna be there.

We're gonna see family

we haven't seen in years.

Oh, come on, Greg.

I promise we're gonna make it fun for you.

If I go, will you give me

money to fix my van?

- No.

- Can't we just fly?

No.

A road trip is a great opportunity

to spend time together as a family.

It's four days in the car. Together.

It's not exactly what I had planned

for summer vacation.

MANNY:
Mommy!

Mommy!

Oh, no. Manny's stuck.

Mommy! Mommy!

- Greg, will you go help him?

- Why me?

Cause you're the only one

who can fit in there.

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

KID:
Ow! I bumped my head.

Ugh!

It stinks of old socks.

(GROANING)

ROWLEY:
Good-bye, Greg!

Manny, stay there.

Hey, Bubby.

GIRL:
We're in the ballpit! Yeah!

Manny? Manny?

Manny?

KID:
Whoa!

Manny?

Manny!

Manny! Manny?

Diaper! It's a diaper,

it's a diaper, it's a diaper!

It's a diaper!

It's a diaper!

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I knew we shouldn't have come here.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

If there's one thing I've learned

from my years of being a kid,

it's that you have zero control

over your own life.

Take Mom, for example.

She's always on me to do "healthy" things,

like read books and play outside.

It's the worst.

(GROANS)

(RAIN FALLING)

(SCREAMING)

If she had her way,

we'd be living like people did

before there were computers and cell phones.

But human beings have evolved.

Now we need things like video games

and smartphones to survive.

- (SCREAMS)

- (SPLASH)

All she cares about is family time.

Now don't get me wrong.

I like my family and all,

but I'm just not sure

we're all meant to live together.

Maybe things will be better one day,

when we all have our own places

and only see each other on the holidays.

But right now,

this combination of people

is just not working.

(BIKE BELL RINGS)

This is a disaster.

Diaper! It's a diaper,

it's a diaper, it's a diaper!

That's it. My life is over.

It already has 6,000 views.

Congrats, Diaper Hands, you've gone viral.

GREG (ON VIDEO):
Diaper! It's a diaper!

I'd love to stick around with you losers,

but I got to forward this to everyone I know.

(CACKLES)

(SIGHS)

It gets worse! Now I'm a meme!

ROWLEY:
"Diaper Hands Dunks."

- That's pretty funny.

- You're not seeing the big picture.

If I don't do something soon,

I'm gonna be branded

as "Diaper Hands" for life.

Or maybe even longer.

(CAWING)

Hey.

Why don't we watch the latest

Mac Digby video?

Just please don't tell my parents.

MAC DIGBY:
What up?

Today I'm playing Mushroom Makoto.

This game's Japanese,

mental and, yes, I'm a...

What the what? Mushroom in a kitchen?

Boom! You got shroomed!

Dat's how Digby do it!

"Dat's how Digby do it." Classic.

Mac's the best.

If I was in a video with him,

I'm pretty sure everyone would

just forget about "Diaper Hands."

You know what?

I'm gonna write Mac and ask if there's

any way I can be in one of his videos.

It can't hurt, right?

GREG (NARRATING): Mom really hates Mac Digby.

But Mac figured out

how to get rich and famous

just from playing video games.

- (COMPUTER CHIMES)

- No way. Mac replied already.

It says:
"Thanks for the email, Greg."

He used my name.

"I'm going to be at Player Expo this weekend

"in Indianapolis from 12:00 to 2:00

hanging out, mashing buttons

and making gamer history."

Hey, maybe you'll be

in my next YouTube video."

This is the greatest day of my life.

No one will remember Diaper Hands

when I'm in a Mac Digby video.

I'm going to be "Greg Famous."

GIRL:
Greg Heffley. Oh, my God.

(GIRLS OOHING)

But your mom says

Mac Digby is a bad influence.

I mean, do you really think she'll let you

go to Player Expo to be in a video with him?

(BIRD CAWING)

(CAT YOWLING)

You're right.

(SIGHS DEJECTEDLY)

There's no way.

Unless...

Player Expo's in Indianapolis this weekend.

And get this, Meemaw's party is in Indiana.

This is perfect!

Player Expo is only...

...two inches away from Meemaw's!

I'm not sure that's how maps work.

All I have to do is make sure our road trip

brings us close to Player Expo,

and then sneak away long enough

to see Mac Digby,

and then come back before

anyone notices I'm gone.

No one gets hurt.

It's a win-win situation.

Is it?

MOM:
Guys! Guys.

This is way too much stuff.

These are definitely essentials.

No, no, no. Manny, no sweetie.

No, we're not bringing that.

Uh, there's no room for people in here.

Maybe we should look into plane tickets.

GREG (NARRATING): This was a disaster.

My whole plan was falling apart.

I have an idea.

If we take all the junk out,

we can use the boat as a trailer.

Then, if we see some water,

Dad, you can show us how to sail and fish.

For, you know, fish.

Now you're talking.

Aye-aye, Captain.

MOM:
Who's ready for

the Great Heffley Road Trip?

Can I get a woot-woot?

GREG:
Woot-woot! Go, Mom.

RODRICK:
Dork.

# Bottle rockets off your roof #

# Riding bikes through red lights #

# We're bulletproof #

Meemaw's, here we come.

I'm texting.

Oh, no. No devices on this trip.

What do you mean?

This is an unplugged road trip.

No phones, no iPads, no Internet.

- What?!

- MOM:
Just family time.

The only connecting we're gonna do

is with each other.

Everyone hand over your devices.

You tricked us!

This is totally not cool.

Kids at school get way more

screen time than I do!

I'm not giving up my phone. Pfft!

Yeah! If he's not givin' up his phone,

I'm not givin' up mine.

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