Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul Page #2

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If he's not giving up,

I'm not giving mine up.

Who do you think you are, bossing us around?

You want me to read. I'm reading text!

What's the difference?

- You're the worst mom ever!

- Yeah!

MOM:
Mm-hmm.

Without devices,

there's absolutely nothing to do.

Look at the scenery. Read a book.

"Read a book?" It's summer vacation!

- Pfft! Scenery's stupid! Pfft!

- Yeah!

Listen to your mother, boys.

Frank. The ban goes for you, too.

No, no, no, no. I got to check the route.

Uh, no, you don't. We have GPS.

And if that fails, I brought a map.

We'll kick it old school.

# Yeah, I like this right here #

# Bom, ba-dum bum ba-da-da-da-da #

GPS:
Estimated time on road:

47 hours and 1 minute.

# Let's escape #

# I'm free to do what I want #

# And have a good time #

# Now somebody, anybody, everybody #

# 'Cause I'm free... #

- Fast food, fast food.

- You can't do this to me.

You're hungry, I'm happy to provide.

# Everybody sing #

# I'm free, baby, bring the beat, baby #

# Let me show you how I live #

# Let you live baby #

# Let's be free, baby #

# And cruise the world #

# Are you with it girl? #

# I'm free to do what I want #

# And have a good time #

# Now somebody, anybody, everybody #

# 'Cause I'm free to do what I want #

# And have a good time #

# Now somebody, anybody, everybody sing #

# Went from a poor kid #

# To a well-known all around the globe... #

The two of you are in

so much trouble right now!

You should not be doing that sort of thing.

# Feel free, do whatever you want #

# Whenever you want with whoever you want #

# Feel free, who cares what they say... #

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

- (CELL PHONE DINGS)

Can we have our phones back yet?

Nope. The bag is closed.

- Well, when is the bag going to open?

- It's not.

Well, when is the bag not going to not open?

Okay, okay, I have something fun

to pass the time.

Who has a guilty conscience?

It's a simple game.

Someone takes a card from the deck

and reads it aloud.

If you've done the thing on the card,

you get a point.

So, the first person to three points wins.

"I must confess...

I once owned an unusual pet."

- I had a pet tarantula in college.

- No way.

Yeah! His name was Terry Antula

and he was awesome.

One point.

"I must confess

I once had a crazy hairstyle."

Guilty! I dyed my hair pink

when I was younger for a summer.

When did you guys stop being fun?

Well, your dad and I were young

once, too, you know.

Can I read the next one?

Yes.

"I must confess...

"I once broke a window by shooting a BB gun

and blamed my little brother for it."

Yes. I totally did that.

I'm tied with Mom and Dad. Read another one.

MOM:
My turn.

"I must confess I once drove my mom's car

when I didn't have a license

and scratched the door very badly."

I did that, too! Boom. One more point.

That's plus one. Plus another point.

"I must confess...

"I once toilet papered the house

of the sweet old lady

who lived next door to me."

Yes!

Guilty as charged!

It's like this game was made for me!

I own you losers!

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, yeah, I win. I won.

Now I get my van fixed, right?

I'm very sorry for toilet papering

your house, ma'am.

It was a very bad thing,

and I would be honored to...

...mow your lawn and clean your car

for the rest of summer to make amends.

Okay, thank you. Bye, now.

You are so dead.

(MANNY SHOUTING AND WHINING)

Where's Manny's pacifier?

I left it at home.

You did what?

I made an executive decision not to bring it.

He's way too old for one.

You know, this trip is a perfect

opportunity for him

to go cold turkey, you know?

(MANNY CONTINUES WHINING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

It was all they had.

Rodrick, I said no phones.

I want to post it online. It's hilarious.

No!

No Instagrammy, no Snappychat!

(STOMACH RUMBLING)

I agree with Greg's stomach. We need to eat.

GREG:
If you wake Manny up

in the middle of a nap,

he goes completely ballistic

and there's no calming him down.

So when he's asleep,

Mom and Dad do everything they can

to keep him that way.

DAD:
Okay guys, ready?

(SIGHS)

(HORN HONKING)

- Whoa!

- (CAR HORN BLARING)

Greg, be more careful!

You almost woke up Manny.

Get the items on my list

and only the items on my list!

List, got it.

Whole-wheat bagel, cream cheese,

- baloney and apples?

- Yeah, you know, we should split up.

Divide and clunker.

Hey!

(SIGHS)

Did you get anything on Mom's list?

Relax, Greggy. I got better stuff.

# So let's sing this one more time #

# It goes, destination, permanent vacation #

Free Wi-fi. Perfect.

# Na-na, na-na na na #

- GREG:
Hey, want to check out the pool?

- RODRICK:
Sweet!

# Destination, permanent vacation #

GREG:
Huh?

(RATS SQUEAKING)

What a rip-off!

They should be sued for false advertising!

At least there's a hot tub.

But look at those weirdos.

(SHOUTING PLAYFULLY, LAUGHING)

Or should that be Beardos?

(MOCKINGLY) Good one.

(ROARING AND SPLASHING)

(WHISPERING) Frank,

this place is disgusting!

Ah, it's not so bad.

- (TOILET FLUSHES)

- It's just for one night.

These towels are wetter than my hands.

(CRUNCH)

Mom!

(GROANS)

Nobody uses the bathroom.

We'll clean up at the next stop.

Let's eat.

Yeah.

What were you two thinking?

We can't make dinner out of

uncooked cinnamon rolls

and bubblegum.

No, duh.

They're for dessert.

I got us a microwave pizza.

(BEEPING)

- (GEARS WHIRRING)

- (BEEPING)

Rodrick?

That's a mini-safe.

(SAFE RATTLING)

RODRICK:
Huh.

And they disguised it as a microwave.

Pretty smart.

(GROANS)

Did you guys get anything on my list?

I couldn't read your curly

Oldie English writing.

Do you mean cursive?

Cursive?

Is it okay if I go use the hot tub?

Yeah, sure, just don't wake Manny

when you come back in.

- DAD:
I am so hungry.

- MOM:
Me, too.

"Grandparents React to Diaper Hands!"?

GREG (ON VIDEO):
Diaper! It's a diaper,

it's a diaper, it's a diaper!

RODRICK:
Hey, Cheez Nips.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd join you,

in case any hot chicks

who dig musicians show up.

(GREG SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

(SIGHS)

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

You got your phone from the van?

- (CELL PHONE DINGS)

- (LAUGHS)

It's from Rowley.

"Have fun at Player Expo. Zoo-Wee-Mama."

Pfft! What a dork.

Player Expo?

You're planning to go

to your little nerd convention.

Oh, this is too good. I'm telling Mom.

No, Rodrick, give that back!

(WATER GURGLING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

What?

- Oh, no.

- Oompa-Loompa.

After your little "I Confess" stunt today,

this is my chance to even the score.

Maybe Mom and Dad will even give me

the money to get my van fixed.

W-w-wait.

If you need money,

I have a better way to get you some.

To get a lot.

Come with me to Player Expo.

There are hot girls everywhere.

Why is she wearing armor with a bikini?

It's called cosplay. And there's a lot of it.

RODRICK:
Are those even real?

I doubt it. People make

their weapons out of foam and stuff.

But the best part is, there's a

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