Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul Page #3

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video game drummer competition

just like Rock Band,

and I think the prize is about $1,000.

$1,000?

I'd be able to buy ten vans with that.

But now you're telling Mom.

I guess there's no way I'm going.

If I say we're going, we're going.

You get that, chico?

Oh!

What are you doing?

This isn't what it looks like.

Are you doing work?

Okay, it is what it looks like.

Look, I couldn't tell my boss

I was taking the week off.

You get that, right?

Yeah, I totally get that.

But if Mom found out, she'd go ballistic.

I know. That's why you and I need to...

Did you take your phone from the van?

No.

Greg. If Mom found out, she'd go ballistic.

Okay, okay. I'll put it back.

I won't tell Mom I saw anything. I promise.

The thing is, I want Mom to be happy.

I'm sure you don't want

to disappoint her, do you?

Definitely not.

What do you say we keep this

little arrangement between us guys?

What Mom doesn't know won't hurt her, right?

Sure.

Good boy.

Are you orange?

Yep.

- (SNORING)

- (SCOFFS)

Where am I supposed to sleep?

(LOUD CLATTERING)

(LOUD CLATTERING CONTINUES)

(KIDS LAUGHING)

What are you doing?

Some people are trying to sleep!

Put some pants on, creep!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, you guys think that's funny.

Well, you won't be laughing

when I report you to the manager

and he throws you and your

whole Beardo family out!

Oh, yeah?

What is going on out here?

(LOUD SLAM)

(BEARDO GASPS)

My van!

(YELLS)

Why did you do that?

Me?

This weirdo shows up in his underpants

and when we ask him to put some clothes on,

he threatens to beat us up!

What?

I... No, no, no. That's not true!

And he called you a "fat Beardo!"

(GROWLS)

Come here, punk!

Dad! Dad! Help!

- Hey!

- Huh?

Is that your kid?

What kid?

Inside!

BEARDO:
I know you're out there, kid!

I tracked down original floor mats

to a vintage camper, son!

I will find you!

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

Why do I have to sleep in the closet?

Come on. Move over.

(SQUEAKING)

(SCREAMING)

What are you doing in my room?

Where were you?

I just went for a quick jog.

In your underwear?

I like the fresh air.

Okay.

Honey, that's not a good idea.

What's with all the standing around?

Let's get back on the road, right, Mom?

I'm with Greg. Open road,

here comes the Heffley family.

Seriously, next time, wear pants.

There are a lot of weirdos out there.

And Beardos.

# I can patch up the hole #

# She left in the screen door #

# I can pawn off the ring #

# That she threw on the floor #

# And the grass will grow back where #

# She left tracks in the yard #

- (RODRICK SNIFFLING)

- # That ain't the hardest part #

That song is such a bummer.

What? Rodrick, get back.

(METAL MUSIC PLAYS)

What is this?

Is this even music?

It's Loded Diper's new demo! You're welcome!

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- Yeah. Thank you.

My drum solo was coming up.

- It's thirteen minutes of heaven.

- Nuh-uh.

First rule of a road trip

is the driver is the D.J.

That's great, because I'm the driver

and I picked our theme song for our trip.

It's a family tradition.

Grandpa and Grandma used to pick the music

and us kids would sing along.

(POP SONG STARTS)

- I like this.

- I know.

It was a big hit when we were dating, right?

# Yo, tell me what I want

what I really, really want #

# So tell me what you want

what you really, really want #

# I'll tell you what I want

what I really, really want #

Please stop, please stop!

No! This isn't happening!

Please, just stop, stop, please!

Okay, fine!

I was really enjoying that.

Just try something else. Anything else.

Okay.

You win.

I choose "Hola!:
Learn to Speak Spanish."

INSTRUCTOR:
Let's start with the most

common greeting, "Hello" or "Hi."

"Hi" is simply "Hola" in Spanish.

Can you try that, please?

Hola.

INSTRUCTOR:
Hola. Did you get that right?

"To drink" translates to "beber".

Try saying that. Beber.

You guys are in for a treat.

The country fair will be a great opportunity

for you to see how people live

in the real America.

Wait. So where do we live again?

You guys are actually descended

from country folk.

Peepaw's father worked three jobs

until he had enough money

to buy his own land to grow soybeans.

Why would anyone want to grow soybeans?

Great story. Wake me up when it's over.

Wow. Just wow.

Were we this bored by our parents?

If we agree to go to this country fair,

can we get our phones back after?

As a reward?

No.

How about just for an hour?

We do something for you

and you do something for us. That's fair.

The country fair is a treat.

You don't get a reward

for agreeing to a treat!

You boys are going to the country fair

and you're going to enjoy yourselves.

Do I make myself clear?

(BANJO STRUMMING)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

(HORSE WHINNYING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Hey, what do you say we split up?

Um, you take Manny on the rides

and I'll show these boys

how to win some carnival games, huh?

These guys don't need a parent

getting in the way.

It'll be good for them

to spend time together.

Bonding.

All the rides look lame.

GREG:
And old. Really old.

You guys go get your "country" on.

Spit some seed, ride some hay.

And don't forget

to eat something healthy, okay?

Take advantage of all the amazing

produce here.

- Definitely, yeah, definitely.

- Yeah, produce.

Mmm! Have fun.

BOTH:
Deep-fried butter on a stick!

Oh, my.

MAN:
Here you go.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Two deep-fried butters

on a stick, please, amigo.

Regular or extra-crispy?

Extra-crispy, obviously.

(HOT OIL GURGLING)

This is the best moment of my life!

MAN:
Maybe we should get

a funnel cake and a sausage stick.

Ice cream's on the budget.

We need to leave.

I'll take two more.

Dad, I'm country-ed out. Can we go?

I am in a serious bind.

I need to make a work phone call.

- Where's Mom?

- She's in line for the porta-potty.

I figure I've got, like, 20 minutes.

Can you do me a favor?

Can you take him over to the livestock tent?

I can't have him melting down

while I'm on this call.

Me take him?

Yeah. Spend some quality time

with your brother, all right?

Ten bucks. Ten bucks? Perfect.

Come on, Manny.

CARNY:
Sorry, missy, you did not guess

the exact weight. But...

you do get this here lollipop.

Now, who's next?

Lollipop.

- CARNY:
Step on up here, folks.

- Not now, Manny.

(GREG SHOUTS)

Okay, okay.

- (GREG SIGHS)

- CARNY:
Look around here. Who we got?

Who's next here? Hey there, little fella.

Let me ask you something.

Can you see that pig right there?

How much you think that pig weighs?

Honestly, he just wants a lollipop.

Oh. Well now, for a lollipop,

I'm still gonna have to have a guess.

But he can only count 1, 2, 3.

4, 5, 6!

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

Ol' Wilberta there weighs exactly

456 pounds, on the nose. How about that?

Bless your little heart.

Son, you won the grand prize.

How about that, ladies and gentlemen?

Manny, this is awesome.

Now, just be gentle with him now.

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