Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul Page #4

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Go ahead there, take him.

There you go. Look at him!

Oh, no, no, no. We... we can't take this pig.

You're saying that you're not gonna

let the little one keep it?

A boy needs a pig.

But we don't live on farms.

We're normal people.

You're saying folks that live

on farms ain't normal.

That's not what I mean.

We just don't have anywhere to keep it.

Ma'am, you wouldn't let

a pig inside your house

with your baby, would you?

We'll take our pig and go.

All right, we had a winner, how about that?

A grand prize winner, ladies and gentlemen.

Please don't poop.

BEARDO:
I got you, kid!

No, I can hear you fine.

Dad, here's Manny. Got to go.

Wait, no!

Hey! Why are you being such a spaz?

I'm not. I'm just really excited to, uh...

To ride the "Alien Abduction."

Let's rock.

CARNY:
Stay against the wall

and keep your hands to yourself!

We're off.

(BUZZER)

# Let yourself go, let yourself go #

# Let yourself go #

I knew I shouldn't have ate

that 9th stick of butter.

Ninth?

BEARDO:
You!

Stop the ride! Stop the ride!

It's a diaper, it's a diaper, it's a diaper!

What the heck?

# Let yourself go, let yourself go #

# Let yourself go #

# Let yourself go, let yourself go #

# Let yourself go #

- (GROWLING)

- # Let yourself go, let yourself go #

# Let yourself go #

# Let yourself go, let yourself go #

# Let yourself go #

# Gotta let it go, gotta let it go #

Watch it, you jerk.

Sorry!

- (KIDS GROANING)

- BOY:
Stop it!

GIRL:
Get off of me!

You need to move, kid,

or I will climb over you.

I'm warning you, please don't.

(BEARDO GRUNTS)

GREG (NARRATING): I'm not an A student

of physics or anything,

but I'm familiar with the theory,

"What comes up, must fall down."

# Let yourself go, let yourself go #

# Let yourself go #

# Let yourself go, let yourself go #

# Let yourself go #

- (GROANING)

- # Let yourself go, let yourself go #

# Let yourself go #

I could go for another stick

of deep-fried butter.

BEARDO:
Oh, God, no! It's in my mouth!

(RIDERS GROANING)

Let's get out of here.

Where did you go?

That was an important phone call.

Okay, all right. Let's still keep this

between us, all right?

MOM:
Oh, you guys are all together.

Did the Heffley boys have fun?

Absolutely, an amazing time. Together.

I won a prize.

What? You did, sweetie? What did you win?

(OINKING)

Oh, my gosh.

A pig.

An actual pig.

An actual living pig.

How did this happen?

Uh...

Uh...

Manny guessed the weight, right, Dad?

Uh... that's right. Um, in the...

The livestock tent.

In the livestock tent. Right. That's...

Yeah, but you know,

now that I think about it, uh,

keeping a pig, that's...

that's not a good idea

because it's not a pet

and it belongs in a barnyard.

And we should take it back.

I love my piggy.

And this is just occurring to you now?

I think it's great we have a pig.

Cause now we'll be able to get bacon

from it every morning.

The truth is, I wasn't 100% there

when Manny won the pig.

He was with Greg.

I-I couldn't help it.

I really didn't want to take it,

but there was a lot of pressure

from, I'm guessing, farmers?

What is going on here?

I wasn't with them because

I had to make a work call.

- Frank!

- I'm under a lot of pressure right now.

And, honestly, I don't think a total

technology ban is realistic.

I need to make calls to the office.

And Greg's a modern kid.

Using his phone is in his DNA.

What? Greg's been using his phone, too?

Oh, come on. You made a deal with me.

Will someone please pay for my van repairs?

Stop! Let me get this straight.

You and Greg have been using your phones,

and you both conspired to keep this from me?

We're leaving.

And we're keeping the pig.

INSTRUCTOR:
Let's learn the Spanish for,

"What is your name?"

- translated word by word.

- (PIG SQUEALING)

"What" translates to "Qu."

What's the matter with it?

Greg, please tell your father that his pig

probably needs to use the bathroom.

You know,

I could really use the bathroom, too.

I drank way too much lemonade.

Okay, then tell your father

to pull over at the next gas station

and you can take his pig in with you.

What?

You're just gonna have

to keep your legs crossed.

The next exit is 37 miles.

Thirty-seven miles?

That's way too far.

(GROANS)

(PIG SQUEALING)

It's no use. I can't hold it.

(PANTS UNZIPPING)

Greg, for goodness sake!

(URINE TRICKLING)

Don't spill any.

(GROANS)

Oh!

It's filling up.

Then stop peeing.

It doesn't work that way.

I've started, now I've got to see it through.

He's right.

- GREG:
Oh!

- (URINE CONTINUES TRICKLING)

(GROANS)

Here.

I don't want it!

(URINE STARTS AGAIN)

(OINKING)

Oh, look how cute.

The piggy's better

potty trained than you, Greg.

(LOUD FARTING)

Oh, my God!

(FARTING CONTINUES)

What's happening?

(ALL GROANING)

GREG:
No way!

Check it out, a mini-bar.

- Sweet.

- Back up.

Nobody touches the mini-bar.

I'm not paying $7 for a cookie.

Where's the pig gonna sleep?

(OINKING)

(SOFT OINKING)

(EATING NOISES)

(WRAPPERS RUSTLING)

No!

No fair. The pig can use the mini-bar

and we can't?

You realize this will probably cost

more than the hotel room.

I love you, piggy.

# Work, work #

- # Gotta get that work #

- (CELL PHONE BUZZING AND RINGING)

# Work, work, gotta get that work #

- # Work, work, gotta get that work #

- (CELL PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)

Please let me take this call

and I will put work aside

for the rest of the trip, okay?

Nothing but family time, I promise.

- Nothing but family time?

- Promise.

Okay, deal. Just get it over with.

Boys, let's help your dad and be quiet

for the next 10 minutes

so that he can finally put work behind him

and join the vacation.

Sure.

Whatever.

DAD:
Quiet. Here we go.

Hey, this is Frank.

WOMAN (OVER PHONE):

Frank, where have you been?

Hi, Julie, yeah.

I'm sorry, things just snowballed

on my end, uh-huh.

That's not a problem. I can handle that.

- Okay.

- (CHEWING LOUDLY)

Uh-huh.

(SHUSHING LOUDLY)

(CONTINUES SHUSHING)

Your shushes are louder than my chewings.

(JULIE CONTINUES, INDISTINCT)

- Yeah.

- (WINDOW WHIRRING)

Throw it out.

(MOUTHING WORDS)

Yeah, uh, I don't know.

I mean, there's a weird connection.

(WHIRRING)

Uh-huh.

(HORN HONKING)

- JULIE:
Hello?

- I'm still here, Julie.

Frank, the deadline

for the proposal is this Friday.

- Ow!

- (MANNY YELLING)

Get the pacifier!

MOM:
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(PIG SQUEALING)

Get the pig!

(MANNY CONTINUES CRYING)

(GRUNTING HAPPILY)

Ugh.

(SHOUTS)

(MOM YELLS)

(CARS WHIZZING BY)

INSTRUCTOR:
"To drink" translates to "beber".

Try saying that.

(SCREAMING)

"To read" becomes "leer".

Your turn.

"To be able to" is "poder" in Spanish.

"To know" becomes "saber".

- Once again..."saber".

- (PIG SQUEALING)

(CD TURNS OFF)

That's great. Thanks, everybody.

I'll be lucky to have a job come Monday!

Had to take a road trip.

Had to take a road trip!

JULIE (OVER PHONE): Frank! What's happening?

What road trip?

Frank? Who are you talking to?

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