Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul Page #5

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Are you there?

Hello?

Hey, Dad? I think

you might still be connected.

Frank? What's going on? Where are you?

Answer me.

(CAR HORN BLARES)

(BLARING CONTINUES)

GREG:
Rodrick, I thought Meemaw's was just

two inches from Player Expo.

But on this map, it's like seven!

So?

So we're going to be too far away from it.

I'll never be in the Mac Digby video

and you'll never win your $1,000.

You better fix this mess, El Dorko.

I need that money.

I have an idea.

(BEEPS)

Hurry up.

GPS:
Changing destination

to Parkway Convention Center.

GREG:
Manny and the pig had really bonded.

But from the look on Mom and Dad's faces,

I could tell that its days

with the Heffley family were numbered.

(SHEEP BLEATING)

INSTRUCTOR:
How do you say the words

"your name" in Spanish?

Will you say, "Tu nombre" or "Mi nombre"

or "Su nombre"?

DAD:
I just don't get it.

We're miles off course.

That's why you shouldn't trust technology.

If we'd just used a map instead of the GPS...

Don't worry.

I think we can make up the time tomorrow.

I hope so.

MOM:
Guys, come here. Check this out.

Come here. I made it for Meemaw's birthday.

It's a memory book.

Let's see. That's Meemaw when she was a baby.

Is she a boy or a girl?

Wow. Who's that soldier?

That's Meemaw's brother, Fred,

in World War ll.

She'll show you his medals if you ask her.

He was a tough old guy.

This is our family history, you guys.

This book dates all the way up to...

No! No way, no, no!

No, you can't show her those photos.

Yeah, Mom. You can't give Meemaw

a photo of my naked butt!

Oh, it's so cute.

Okay, guys, come on.

We all got to get up early.

- Let's get ready for bed.

- Yes, we do. We do. Okay.

Come on, Manny.

Get your pajamas on everyone.

We made it.

We're back to just two inches

away from Player Expo.

Sweet. Tomorrow we ride, compadre.

I don't know how we're gonna get to the Expo.

Do you have any money?

We don't need money.

We'll use Uber. It's completely free.

Free?

But how do they make a profit?

I don't know, I'm not a businesswoman.

See? No money changed hands.

It really is free. That's incredible.

But I didn't think it would take an hour

to drive two inches.

(RAPID GUNFIRE)

(CAR ACCELERATING)

This is incredible!

I know. I've never seen

so many dorks in one place before.

These are my people.

This is where I'm meant to be.

Diaper! It's a diaper!

Diaper! It's a diaper, man!

- Yup.

- It's a diaper!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

Ooo-aahh!

I don't want to be late to Meemaw's party.

And I don't know why

they're not answering their phones.

You did say no technology.

Are you seriously giving me

the "I told you so" look right now?

No.

EMCEE:
Welcome to Rock Drummer.

This contestant says he's a professional.

Let's see how he does.

Uh-oh.

- Ooh.

- (BUZZER)

Not good.

My grandma drums better than that.

Time to rock out of here, champ.

(IMITATES LOSER SOUND)

GREG:
I guess Rodrick won't

be getting his van fixed anytime soon.

We've been to the convention,

had a swell time.

Going home in the morning

and nobody's any the wiser!

(SCREAMS)

It's been too long.

I'm gonna call the police.

(CHANGING CHANNELS ON TV)

Yes, I need to file

a missing person's report.

It's my two sons, Rodrick and Greg.

Rodrick is 16 and Greg is 12.

What are they wearing? I don't know.

Rodrick is wearing a black Motorhead T-shirt

and Greg's wearing a Twisted Wizard

baseball tee with blue sleeves.

How do you know that?

WOMAN (ON TV):

...at Player Expo. You're right!

I am at Player Expo, right now.

The hottest ticket in town.

And there is no better place to discover

what the new hottest trends are.

Bubby!

What do your parents think about you guys

coming to the Expo to play video games?

Oh, they have no idea. (CHUCKLES)

Frankly, Jill, they're a little slow.

Well, they are a little slow if

you're here and they

don't know where you are.

Why don't you come on

down and join them here,

because it's loads of fun at the Expo.

Look at the fun they're having now.

Actually, I'd like to report a double murder

at Player Expo in about 30 minutes.

EMCEE:
Right now on the main stage,

we've got the great Mac Digby.

Look! There he is.

EMCEE:
The game is Downhill Death Race.

Dat's how Digby do it!

This is awesome!

Mac is about to beat the world record!

Once people see a video of me and Mac Digby,

I'll be the coolest kid in middle school,

and everyone will forget about Diaper Hands.

No one will ever forget about Diaper Hands.

It's way too funny.

Nuh-uh.

I have an appointment with Mac Digby.

He sent me this email

inviting me to play with him.

They sent that out to every kid in here.

The line ends back there.

EMCEE:
Mac Digby's become the first

player ever to beat Level 28!

The email was just a trick

to get kids to show up today.

There's no way I can wait in that line.

I'll never be in a YouTube video

with Mac Digby.

MAC DIGBY:
I'm gonna go down

this slope real quick,

shred some fresh powder!

Unless...

MAC:
How you like that, noob?

Okay, so make sure

me and Mac are both in shot.

And I'll make it seem like

we're both hanging out.

Then I'll post it on to YouTube

and mission accomplished.

EMCEE:
This is where it all goes down.

Mac Digby going head-to-head

with some of his biggest fans,

live here at Player Expo.

Digby's on his game today.

At the rate he's going,

this could be his best day of gaming ever.

Catch that snowball to the face!

Dat's how Digby do it!

EMCEE:
And he's done it. He's at level 31!

- Yeah!

- (CROWD CHEERING)

EMCEE:
Looks like

he's only moments away from breaking

the Downhill Death Race world record!

Avalanche! Whoa!

EMCEE:
Mac Digby showing total control.

This dude's about to get pwned!

EMCEE:
Whoa! This is good, guys.

(CROWD CHANTING) Digby! Digby!

This is insane!

You're witnessing gamer history!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(CROWD GROANING)

What have you done?

I was about to beat the record!

Who are you?

Uh, I'm...

MOM:
Greg Heffley!

You are grounded for life!

And I swear, never again

will you play a video game

as long as there is breath in my body.

Really, Greg, I thought maybe

you would have grown up a little bit

after the whole "Diaper Hands" business,

but I guess not.

No way! It's him! Ladies and gents!

We have a celebrity in our midst!

My record breaking attempt

was ruined by none other than

Diaper Hands!

EMCEE:
This is incredible!

We have the real Diaper Hands on our stage.

And Diaper Hands has a real name...

Greg Heffley!

Way to go, Greg!

Diaper Hands, Greg Heffley!

(CROWD CHANTING)

Dat's how Diaper Hands do it!

EMCEE:
That's right, folks,

let's hear it for Diaper Hands!

You fixed the GPS to drive here.

You tricked us, and now we're going

to be late to Meemaw's birthday.

DAD:
I don't even think

we're gonna make it on time.

You embarrassed me in front of everyone, Mom.

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