Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul Page #6

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Now I'm gonna be known

as Diaper Hands forever!

It'll blow over.

You know what won't? You lying to me.

I just wanted to have a nice family trip

where we all spent time together.

But you don't care about that.

Well, you don't care

about the things I love, either!

If you did, I wouldn't have had

to sneak away to get to this place!

I give up.

Take my phone. Play games.

Enjoy yourself.

I'm done fighting.

We're two hours from Meemaw's.

It's gonna be tight, but I think we're

gonna make it by the end of the party.

Hey. At least you have your Mac Digby video.

(CROWD CHEERING ON VIDEO)

What the...

MAC DIGBY (ON VIDEO):...worldwide record

is 28 million. And I'm about to beat it!

You used the front-facing camera?

Did I?

My bad.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(HORN HONKING)

What's that idiot honking at?

Just let him get by you.

# Almost heaven, West Virginia #

# Blue Ridge mountains #

- (HORNS HONKING)

- # Shenandoah River #

# Life is old there #

# Older than the trees #

# Younger than the mountains #

# Blowin' in the breeze #

# Country road, take me home, to... #

- Um, Dad?

- What?

You might want to stop the car.

What? Why?

Holy Mother of...

#...home, country road #

DAD:
This wouldn't have happened

if we were already at Meemaw's.

RODRICK:
Hey, guys, good news!

Whoo! Every silver lining has a cloud!

Everything is ruined. All our things...

our clothes, our toiletries... gone!

Oh, no.

BEARDO:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, put that in.

What the heck?

Get in the car! Get in the car!

Hey! That's our stuff!

Yes.

Meemaw's book!

The memory book is in that case.

Come on!

BEARDO:
Payback time, punk!

Come on! Back to the van!

Run, run! We're gonna catch up

with those guys! Come on!

Hey, do you know that guy?

How would I know that guy?

(HORNS HONKING FAINTLY)

I don't see them.

Are you going to be okay?

Those photos were irreplaceable.

I really thought coming on this trip

would bring our family closer together.

But I'll know better next time.

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

You want one?

Greg, I wouldn't encourage them.

There's only one.

(SQUAWKING)

Seriously, Greg. That's enough.

(SQUAWKING LOUDER)

Dad? Can you close the sunroof?

Rodrick gummed it up, remember?

Hey! Give it back!

(EVERYONE SCREAMING)

(SQUAWKING)

- You guys all right?

- Thank you, we're fine! We're fine!

(SQUAWKING)

(SCREAMS)

This is pretty bad for you.

You snuck to Player Expo, too.

You're in as much trouble as I am.

No way.

I've spent years lowering

Mom and Dad's expectations.

They expect this kind of stuff

from me, but not you.

I mean, sure, Mom makes you read word books

and bans you from devices cause

she wants you to live a "happy life."

But she just doesn't get what it's like

to be a kid in the 20th century.

I'm sorry.

What'd you do this time?

I'm sorry for changing the GPS.

I'm sorry for tricking Mom into this.

I'm sorry for sneaking away.

I'm sorry for all of it.

I appreciate your apology, Greg,

but I really wanted us to go to Meemaw's.

Well, let's not give up.

Let's go to Meemaw's.

How are we going to do that?

Dad, did you give up on

that phone call with your boss

when the pig got loose in the car?

I probably should have, but no.

And if Meemaw's brother Fred gave up,

do you think we'd have defeated

the British in World War ll?

Definitely not the case.

And Mom, will you ever give up

on making us read books and eat healthy food,

even though we fight you

every step of the way?

Of course not. I love you guys.

Exactly. I mean, things

look pretty bad for us.

But we've come this far

and Meemaw's party isn't over yet.

So shouldn't we at least try to get there?

Greg's right.

We're gonna get to Meemaw's if it kills us.

It almost already has.

The radiator's shot.

We got this traffic to deal with.

One time, I couldn't reach the remote

and I had to watch this show where this guy

blasted his heater to cool his car down.

- Or something.

- I've heard of that.

You turn the heater on, it draws the heat

away from the engine. Yeah!

Good boy!

But what are we gonna do about the traffic?

We could try a different route.

Let's do it.

One, two, three.

Heffley!

Hold on.

I have never been so hot.

Look.

Oh!

I don't like this.

I saw a movie once

where a bunch of mutant hillbillies

led a group of tourists off the main road.

For what?

To hunt them. And then eat them.

Rodrick, you'll scare Manny. Stop.

It was a true story.

(LOUD POP)

(EVERYONE SCREAMING)

(RINGING)

(HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING)

I've been shot! I've been shot!

My brains! My beautiful brains!

Rodrick, you have not been shot!

I'm too young to die!

I'll never play Ozzfest.

I'll never see Loded Diper

in the Hall of Fame!

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

I'll never get the van fixed.

My brains!

Monster baby!

(CAR REVVING)

We're stuck.

Everybody out. The less weight, the better.

I'm going to gun it.

Do it.

(CAR REVVING)

Okay, we are in business.

- (SPITS)

- (COUGHING)

What'd you guys do?

Look. There's a bigger road.

MOM:
Thank God.

No way. Dad, stop the car.

Look.

The Beardos.

If those guys are going to a hot tub,

they'll be there for hours, trust me.

I have a plan.

It's open.

I don't like this at all.

Let's just get our stuff. Everybody search.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God.

We are a mess.

Mom, you look like that

one chick from Mad Max.

Charlize Theron?

Pfft!

No. No, the old one.

The one that got squashed

by the water truck. Roadkill.

Let's use their bathroom to get cleaned up.

Good idea. We don't want to show up

to Meemaw's looking like roadkill.

I'm gonna take Manny back to the van.

The van... that's why

we can't find our stuff.

It's still in their van. Let's go!

- I need to use the bathroom.

- Me, too.

Okay. Keep watch for each other, all right?

Meet you outside.

Meemaw's memory book! Yes!

- Let's go get the boat.

- Okay!

(LOUD KNOCKING)

Hey, it's me, Rodrick. Your brother.

You almost scared me to death.

I wanted to let you know that Beardo's

entering the room right now.

- What?

- Good luck, Greggy.

I wish I could say it was nice knowing you.

- (PANTING)

- (FOOTSTEPS ARRIVING)

(SIGHS)

Those kids got to learn

to clean up after themselves.

(LOUD FART)

(EXHALES)

- (STRAINING)

- (PLOPPING AND SPLASHING)

(PLOPPING CONTINUING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(BEARDO SIGHS)

He didn't even wash his hands.

What the heck?

- (HIGH PITCHED VIOLIN)

- (NO AUDIBLE SCREAM)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

My eyes! My eyes!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Start the car!

Everybody in!

I'm gonna get you punks!

I'm gonna chase you down!

Oh, yeah? Then you're gonna need these.

(SCREAMS, GROWLS)

They're right here!

- (SCREAMS)

- (GLASS SHATTERS)

It's a diaper. Diaper, it's a diaper.

It's a diaper, it's a diaper.

# Yo, I'll tell you what I want #

# What I really really want #

# So tell me what you want #

# What you really really want #

# I'll tell you what I want #

# What I really really want #

# So tell me what you want #

# What you really really want #

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