Diary Of A Wimpy Kid

RODRICK:
(WHISPERING) Greg?

GREG:
(GROGGILY) Mmm.

- (IN SINGSONG) Greg?

- What?

- Greg!

- Huh? What?

What are you doing? Get up!

Mom and Dad have been calling you

for an hour.

You're about to be late for

your first day of middle school.

What?

Oh, geez! How did that happen?

Go, go, go! Mom's about to flip out!

She sent me to get you

while she waits in the car!

(EXCLAIMS)

What are you doing? What's going on?

Getting ready for...

(HOOTING)

...school.

Are you insane?

School doesn't start till next week.

And, FYI, school doesn't start

at 4:
00 in the morning!

You woke up Manny.

And if he doesn't go back down...

Good morning!

There is no way he is going back down.

I just wanted to sleep till 6:00.

- Bubby!

- Go to bed. I got him.

Greg, what are you doing up

making all this noise?

It was Rodrick! He woke me up!

He changed my clock!

(SNORING)

- But I swear, he was just--

- Go to bed.

What is that smell? I can't even identify it.

Bubby!

(GRUNTS)

(GIGGLING)

KIDS:
Happy Birthday!

Here, Bubby.

GREG:
Wow! Look at the size

of that flamethrower!

Okay, first of all,

let me get something straight.

This is a journal, not a diary.

Yeah, I know what it says on the cover.

But when my mom went out

to buy this thing,

I specifically told her

not to buy one that said "diary" on it.

This just proves Mom doesn't understand

anything about kids my age.

- GREG:
Huh?

- Sissy!

The only reason I agreed to

write in this thing is because

when I'm rich and famous

I'll have better things to do

than answer people's stupid questions

all day long.

Gregory, tell us about your childhood!

Were you always so smart and handsome?

Here's my journal. Now, shoo, shoo.

SUSAN:
That's our boy up there.

Why did I ever say no to him?

Mom got me this thing

so I could write down my feelings

about starting middle school.

But I'm gonna be fine.

It's my best friend, Rowley Jefferson,

I'm worried about.

He's definitely not middle school ready.

Geronimo!

(WHOOPS)

He's not quite clear

on the concept of growing up.

I want a puppy, a kitty,

a gumball machine...

But anyway, this is about me, not Rowley.

I always figured

they'd make a movie about my life.

But I didn't think

they'd start the story here.

Because, seriously,

who wants to see a movie about a kid

who's stuck in middle school

with a bunch of morons?

(ALARM BUZZING)

(GROANS)

(RODRICK EXCLAIMING)

Three days, no shower. Smell the love!

Let me go, Rodrick!

(GROANS)

Come on.

We're just having some fun, right?

No, okay. So, look.

Mom asked me to give you some advice

about middle school.

It's real simple.

Don't talk to anyone. Don't look at anyone.

Don't go anywhere.

Don't sit down. Don't raise your hand.

Don't go to the bathroom.

Don't get noticed.

Don't choose the wrong locker. Don't...

Who am I kidding?

You'll be dead or homeschooled

by the end of the year, anyway.

And don't be seen with Rowley.

(EXCLAIMING)

Manny, stop it! Mom!

RODRICK:
Thanks for the eggs, Mom.

- Frank?

- Greg?

I think it's gross and undignified

that I have to eat breakfast

next to him on the potty.

Okay, well, it's your fault

he's still potty training.

Don't look down, Manny.

The potty monster doesn't like it

when you look at him.

(SCREAMS)

I was just joking with him.

Okay. Kiss him you're sorry

and then let's get a move on.

Can't be late for your first day of school.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

GREG:
Let me just say for the record

that I think middle school may be

the dumbest idea ever invented.

You got kids like me

who haven't hit their growth spurt yet

mixed in with gorillas

who have to shave twice a day.

There's juvenile delinquents and weirdos.

I'm smaller than about

95% of the kids at my school...

CHIRAG:
Give it back! Stop!

...so thank God for Chirag Gupta.

- It's mine! Stop!

- Can I have the backpack?

- You got to jump higher.

- CHIRAG:
It's not yours!

He's an excellent buffer

between me and these morons.

Hey, Greg.

Hey, fella!

Seriously, I don't know what happened

to these kids over the summer.

Was there a nuclear accident?

Science experiment gone bad?

Thank God there are a few normal people

or this place would be a total freak show.

If you're as discriminating as I am,

it can be tough to figure out where to sit

on your first day of middle school.

One bad move

and you're stuck next to some idiot

for the rest of the year.

(SNIFFLING)

ROWLEY:
Greg!

Remember how I said

Rowley wasn't middle school ready?

Well, there you go.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What are you wearing?

My family just got back from Guatemala!

It's my serape!

Nice, huh?

All right, class, I'm Mrs. Flint.

Everybody take your seats!

(GROANS)

Welcome to your first day

of middle school.

Remember your seats.

You'll be sitting here every day.

Rowley, if you had to say

where you were ranked

in terms of popularity from one to 200,

where would you put yourself?

Is 200 good or bad?

I'd say you're somewhere

around the 154 mark.

I'd put myself around number 19 or 20.

I might even have a shot at the top spot

by the end of the year,

if things go the way I think they will.

Well, who's at the bottom?

Hey, guys, wanna see my secret freckle?

(BOTH GROAN)

GREG:
Fregley. Sent home for hygiene

issues at least once a month.

Check it out. It's got a hair in it!

What color is that?

You wanna help me name it?

All right, ladies! Gather around!

Come on, put the knitting down! Let's go!

All right, everybody.

I'm Coach Malone

and I am your gym teacher.

P.E. Is as much a part of my life

as waking up in the morning

and going to the bathroom.

I live and breathe Physical Education.

Now, who's with me?

Are you ready to have some fun out there?

Yeah!

MALONE:
All right, outstanding!

So we're gonna divide you up

into two teams.

So you two, over here.

You, you, you, this way.

Yeah, you three, this side. Good.

You guys are going to be Shirts!

And you will be Skins.

Why are we Skins? I hate this.

He's just trying to make

kids like us feel bad.

What do you mean, kids like us?

I just don't want to get a sunburn,

right, Rowley?

(IN ROBOTIC VOICE)

My name is Bell E. Button.

What's yours?

Okay, let's start off with a little game

I like to call Gladiator.

(BOYS EXCLAIMING)

- BO Y 1:
I got this one!

- BO Y 2:
No!

BO Y 3:
Take that!

(GRUNTS)

(NEVER MISS A BEA TPLAYING)

Cover me!

Oh, God.

Not good!

We're never going to be able

to outrun these guys!

We don't have to outrun them!

We just have to outrun Chirag!

Take a look, take a look, take a look

At the kids on the street

No, they never miss a beat

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