Diary Of A Wimpy Kid Page #2

Never miss a beat

Never miss a beat

Never miss a beat

Never miss a beat

- Think they saw us?

- No way.

They were focused on

getting that kid with the limp.

We'll hide here for the rest of the class

because I'm not playing that game.

It's not fair.

He's got all the Neanderthals

on the same team. It's barbaric!

ANGIE:
It's completely barbaric.

This place is an intellectual wasteland.

But, you know, it's nice to meet someone

more interested in his mind

than in his body.

You girls get to jump rope.

What are you doing hiding?

Avoiding the pain.

It all starts in middle school, you know?

You're not a kid anymore.

The coddling has stopped.

Kids are now separated by intelligence.

The weak are picked on.

And girls you've known since kindergarten

won't even talk to you anymore.

Okay, well,

sounds like you got it all figured out,

so go back to your book.

This place is a glorified holding pen.

MALONE:
All the way! All the way!

You're like a machine!

ANGIE:
It's where adults put you

as you make that awkward transition

between child and teenager

so they don't even have to look at you.

Hi. I'm Angie.

Great story. We're gonna go now.

Why? This is a good spot.

It's a perfect spot.

I survived all of the sixth grade here.

And I would enjoy

some like-minded company

to get me through the seventh.

Is that the whistle?

I think I hear the whistle.

We need to go.

MALONE:
No showboating, all right?

Why are we leaving?

We could get killed out here in the open!

Put your shirt on.

They'll think we're on their team.

Besides, getting crushed is better than

being seen with that freak job.

Trust me, you can't recover

from social suicide.

I never talked to a girl that long before.

Whoa!

Check that out.

Is that cheese?

Stop!

Good God, man!

You almost got the Cheese Touch!

- The what?

- The Cheese Touch.

Nobody knows when or how,

but one day that cheese

mysteriously appeared on the blacktop.

Nobody knew who it belonged to.

Nobody touched it. Nobody threw it away.

And so there it sat,

growing more foul

and powerful by the day.

Then one day, a kid named Darren Walsh

made the biggest mistake of his life.

Darren touched the cheese!

No, I didn't! I just looked at it! Really!

- (ALL SCREAMING)

- CHIRAG:
Darren had the Cheese Touch!

It was worse than nuclear cooties!

- He became an outcast!

- (CRYING)

The only way to get rid of the Cheese Touch

was by passing it on to someone else.

(SCREAMS)

And so began the Cheese Touch Frenzy!

Friend turning on friend!

Brother turning on sister!

It was madness!

Until a German exchange student

named Dieter Muller took it away.

Dieter has the Cheese Touch!

Ze Cheese Touch?

Vat is it?

Vat does it mean, ze Cheese Touch?

Sadly for Dieter,

that fact was lost in translation.

No...!

Thankfully, he moved back to Dusseldorf

and took the Cheese Touch with him.

And so the cheese sits,

patiently waiting for its next victim.

- Wow!

- Wow!

This is a terrible place.

- No doors?

- None.

I'm not pooping until I'm in high school.

GREG:
The cafeteria,

possibly the cruelest place on Earth.

But I was about to make some kid's day

by sitting next to him.

That seat's saved.

For who?

It's saved.

That one's saved, too.

So not happening.

Uh-uh-uh.

Taken.

Where are we supposed to eat?

I guess this is

where all the cool guys hang out.

(SNEEZES)

Fregley must have bumped his head

when he was little, like, really hard.

(BURPS)

Okay, okay,

so my first day could have gone better,

but at least I wasn't humiliated.

Hey, Greg!

You want to come over and play?

(KIDS LAUGHING)

What did he just say to you?

Oh.

I think my ride's here.

Hey, guys. So this guy says to that guy,

"You wanna come over and play?"

Yeah! Do you guys wanna play with us?

(BO YS LAUGHING)

See? This is the problem.

Right now I have to take abuse

from these morons.

But in 20 years,

Quentin here will be working for me.

Greg, please don't fire me.

I really need my measly, pathetic job

scooping your dog's poop.

Whatever. I'll think about it.

No, no, no. Vanilla on the bottom

and chocolate on the top!

I can't eat this!

"Play," Rowley? "Play"?

I've told you, like, a billion times that

guys our age say "hang out," not "play."

Oops.

Seriously, if you're not gonna listen to me,

just tell me,

'cause if you pull another stunt like that,

we'll be stuck on the cafeteria floor

for the rest of middle school.

I found half a Snickers bar down there.

I can't be the guy who eats off his lap

in the cafeteria.

I should be

at the top of the food chain by now.

Something's got to change, fast.

My mom told me to just be myself

and people would like me.

That would be good advice

if you were somebody else.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, little brother.

Was your first day as crappy

as I said it would be?

No. Not at all. You were wrong.

- It was actually better than I...

- Worse.

(CHUCKLES)

You didn't listen to me, did you?

I told you not to talk, look

or go anywhere, and what happened?

He had to eat his lunch on the floor.

- Rowley.

- (LAUGHING) Perfect.

And if nobody wants you

sitting at their table,

you think they want

Chummy Buttons over here?

I was right. You're not even gonna

make it out of there alive.

The only chance you have

of making the yearbook is

when they dedicate it to your memory.

So you wanna play Twisted Wizard?

No. I have a better idea.

If he catches you in here, he will kill you.

Literally, kill you.

Don't worry.

As long as we hear the music, we're okay.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa. Yeah. Wow.

I didn't know Rodrick

was into motorcycles.

- I found it.

- Found what?

Rodrick's middle school yearbook.

This thing holds all the answers.

Rowley, this thing is like a bible.

See this? This is where

a person like me needs to be.

The class favorites.

They're the best in their class.

These people aren't nobodies.

They're famous.

They don't have to worry about

getting a seat in the cafeteria, either.

Check this out.

There's tons of things I qualify for.

"Most Likely To Succeed," "Best Looking,"

"Class Clown."

They should just

give that to me right now.

Don't you have to be funny for that?

Hey! We could try for cutest friends!

What did I tell you would happen

if you ever went in my room again?

But your band is still playing.

It's the bass solo, Turd Burglar!

Don't you know anything about music?

Now, I came up here

to get a new drumstick,

and now, Greg,

since Mom and Dad are gone,

I'm going to kill you. Literally, kill you!

I told you.

Beat it.

Okay, but I just want to say one thing!

- Run, Greg, run!

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