Dick Page #6

---

Here he is.

Hello, Arlene.

How did you know my name?

It's embroidered on your blouse.

It's really so funny how we met.

I was in the market at lunch and we

literally just crashed into each other.

I said, " Excuse me, your peanut butter

is in my chocolate."

And I said, "Your chocolate

is in my peanut butter."

We haven't been separated

since then.

Well, until I used the bathroom

just now.

Roderick, you're such a treasure.

Honey, did you leave the door open?

We've been robbed.

My grandmother's pearls!

My stash!

Are you absolutely positive

nothing is missing?

I don't understand it at all.

My jewelry case wasn't touched,

but they ripped apart the sofa cushions.

I need a drink.

Maybe they just didn't like

my wife's taste in decorating.

If I didn't know better, I'd say

someone was looking for something.

- I can't imagine what.

- We're just a normal family.

Okay, I wouldn't go that far.

They only stole

the Hello Dollies recipe.

Not jewelry or the TV

or Larry's pot or anything.

It's too much of a coincidence.

Your house gets robbed, and my mom

gets a boyfriend the same night?

Why don't you like him?

Because I think he's a spy for Dick.

No guy like that would go for my mom.

I'll buzz you up

so that my mom doesn't hear.

Betsy, what're you doing?

Betsy, what're you doing?

- We're being bugged!

- What?

The President of the United States

is bugging our houses...

...and spying on us!

What did you just say?

It's a line from a song.

We're being bugged

The White House

There's a man from The Washington Post

on the phone for you.

It's Carl Bernstein from The Post.

The information you gave...

We're not interested

in a subscription.

Thanks, no.

No, we prefer the news on TV.

Thank you.

I thought we already got The Post.

You know, there is something

very strange going on here.

I know there is.

And I don't want to know

what it is. Okay?

And in all my years of public life,

I can say...

...that I have

never, ever obstructedjustice.

This is all his fault.

The people have got to know...

...whether or not

their President is a crook.

Well...

...I'm not a crook.

He's trying to drive me insane.

Oh, my God!

We have to get out of here!

- Oh, my God!

- It's okay.

Go!

Oh, my God!

So these girls are a threat

to national security?

According to the President.

How dare those people keep treating us

like stupid teenage girls!

We are stupid teenage girls.

No, Betsy, we're human beings.

And we're American citizens.

And fourscore and seven years ago,

our forefathers...

...did something.

I don't know what.

But I do know one thing:

Dick's ass is grass.

Where are we going?

What are we doing?

If Haldeman has the tapes

that Woodward and Bernstein want...

...we're gonna find them.

This is it.

This is Haldeman's house.

Look, there's somebody there.

Haldeman must have a son.

Wait, let me see.

We have a mission.

We have to figure out a way

to get inside and find those tapes.

Don't worry, Arlene.

I'll do it.

Do you remember me?

Betsy, right.

From the Homecoming dance.

Right.

Want to make out?

Sure.

Are you all right?

Fine.

I need to go to the bathroom.

Will you excuse me?

What's going on here?

Beer bong?

I'm tripping heavily already.

You know...

I really like you.

Don't talk to me.

Kiss me.

Anybody home?

Oh, my God, it's so terrible.

- Dean's leaving.

- Jesus!

He's leaving, all right.

Dean's a team player.

He's not gonna cave in like that.

No, I just don't believe it.

You better! It'll be

in the paper tomorrow.

I talked to Dean,

and he said it was true.

It's happening. It's happening.

It's real, man.

Well, I guess...

...the sh*t's hitting the fan now?

Damn right it's hitting the fan.

What's the matter?

Something's in my ass.

Am I bleeding?

You're fine.

Figures that the pain in my ass

is Nixon, the fascist.

He's your dad's boss.

My dad's an arms manufacturer.

Aren't you Haldeman's son?

No. That's Brad.

I'm his roommate at school.

He's at the dermatologist.

But this is his house, right?

Yeah. What the hell's going on?

Did we meet before or not?

So you don't remember?

I remember like it was yesterday.

That's funny...

...because we never met.

What?

I just saw you on the street

and thought you were cute.

Really?

You're hot.

Thanks.

Liddy says...

...that these prisons are...

They're like Club Med...

...just like Club Med.

Well, I have...

...a particularly incriminating tape

I brought home.

I should give that a listen.

Sure. Yeah, I'll say hi to the wife.

- Take care.

- Okay. You take care too.

Sorry, Mr. Haldeman.

That's okay, Chip.

Who is this?

This is Betsy, sir.

Wait a minute.

I know you.

You're one of those dog...

Sh*t!

Come back here, you little b*tches!

It's not right.

Sources are sources.

Just because...

How goes it, paperboys?

Not too good.

Well, your luck's about to change.

The President knew about it for sure,

for absolute sure.

That's the tape.

It's the tape.

We finally have goods on Dick.

Tricky Dick's going down.

It's unethical to take possession

of the tape if it's stolen, but...

You can't have it anyway.

It's our only souvenir.

But we copied it down.

Thirty words a minute.

I passed typing.

A lot of people want to know

who our source is.

Really?

We'll be famous.

But we've decided

never to reveal your identity.

For our own protection?

It's just too embarrassing.

Dick's going down.

Dick is going down!

In a series of events

that rocked the nation...

...the White House accepted

the resignations...

...of Presidential Counsel John Dean...

I can't believe this Watergate business

runs so high up.

You have no idea.

I realized one day...

...that if I stayed...

...I'd be just as bad as he was.

I'd say these people are gonna

cost a million dollars...

...over the next two years.

We can get that.

You can get a million dollars

and you can get it in cash.

I know where it could be gotten.

I love you

I love you

I honestly love you

What in the bejesus is that?

I can't keep my feelings inside

any longer.

I've never felt this way

about anybody...

...not even Bobby Sherman...

- A 15-year-old.

Oh, Jesus!

And that this is the real thing.

Watergate, my ass!

They'll crucify me if they hear this.

Checkers, shut up!

Or I'll feed you to the Chinese!

Erase this sh*t.

What's that smell?

Hello Dollies!

Where'd you get the recipe?

It was stolen.

It's on the label

of every can, lamebrain.

Except...

...for one special Larry Jobs addition.

I keep them mixed up with the walnuts.

You said these were

just walnut leaves.

I lied.

But the President ate those.

Right, your pal, Tricky Dick.

No, really.

Maybe that's why he's so paranoid.

It's happening.

- What?

- Come on.

Throughout the long and difficult

period of Watergate...

...I have felt it was my duty

to persevere...

...to make every possible effort

to complete the term of office...

...to which you elected me.

But as President...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes