Dinner for Schmucks

---

Poor Jacobson.

He took his stapler?

How pitiful is that?

Still, you got to hand it to him...

he wen! for it.

That was his big mistake.

Always stay in

the middle of the pack.

It's the frontrunners

who fall off the cliff.

At least Jacobson made it

up on the seventh floor.

It smells like cabbage on this floor.

That's the smell of dead dreams.

I go to the clubs at night

and people are like,

"Hey, who's wearing the coleslaw?"

Do you know how hard it is to get laid

when you smell like coleslaw?

NO! hard, but Still.

He had a pretty sweet office. I wonder whos gonna get it?

You wonder who's gonna get his office?

Jesus, Josh, why don't

you show a little class?

The guy just got fired.

- Im gonna get that office.

- Youd better, Tim.

You need that job. With that car youre driving and that apartment?

You're overextended.

These opportunities

don't come along all the time.

Right now, the window's open

and if you hesitate, bam!

You're gonna be my assistant.

Assistant to an assistant.

You can't go lower.

It's a shitty job, Tim.

Do you think Julie's

gonna marry you then?

Don't mess this up.

- Good pep talk.

- All right. Go, team!

The whole reason we bought

the plant was to shut the factory,

shed the workforce

and sell the equipment.

But now, it's all contaminated

with low-level radiation.

- Nobody wants to touch it.

- Americans are so uptight

- about radiation.

- They are.

But the Russians are a little less

particular about this sort of thing.

I like it. Get two bids.

Drive up the price.

- OK, that makes sense.

- On a different note, you'll notice

hat our colleague, Doug Jacobson, has been relieved of his duties. I

Mr. Jacobson led us right to the edge,

playing around in the currency markets.

As a consequence, tomorrow morning,

I want ten ideas to make up

for his mistakes.

- What are you doing?

- I have an idea.

An analyst...

- ...has an idea. OK, then.

- Nice knowing you, buddy.

Sixth floor, stepping up, Nice!

It's all right. it's dead.

It's manufactured by Mueller Armaments,

from Zurich, Switzerland.

It's a company that made

a fortune during World War I.

Now they're sitting on

a bunch of bombs

that even the worst armies

in the world don't want.

All right, so we

cannibalize the company...

,,,who's gonna buy the pieces?

Oh, no, we're not gonna

strip this one down.

Novelty lamps. Great idea.

We could literally make

hundreds of dollars. Hundreds.

- Who cares about lamps?

- Marlin Mueller does.

When Martin isnt busy running his familys business into the ground,

he's either yachting

or buying art for his castle.

The business is going under,

but his personal fortune is vast.

Nearly half a billion.

I heard he was in town, so I sent

a prototype over to his hotel.

He loved the lamps.

He wants to sit down.

The lamps are really just a way

to get our foot in the door.

We're gonna lose money on them.

But we'll make millions

managing his personal portfolio.

Mueller keeps his business.

We've got a brand-new client.

- Everybody wins.

- Everybody wins. That's a new one.

- Caldwell, you want to take the lead?

- Absolutely.

I'll ride shotgun.

Actually, I was hoping

I could take the lead.

Let me think... no.

You should've quit

while you were ahead, buddy.

You know what they say...

tallest tree gets chopped down first.

- Well, that went well.

- Mr. Conrad?

Have you got a second?

Come in!

You can just set

your bombs by the door.

You put on quite a show

in there. Sit down,

Oh, that looks good on him, right?

Yep. Better than it did on Jacobson.

You're gonna need a nicer watch.

Nicer watch, nicer suit.

Hey, to the ballsiest guy

on the sixth floor.

Not gonna be on

the sixth floor for long.

Does that mean

this is my new office?

Not yet. No, I want to

get to know you a little better.

I host a dinner once a month.

- Next one's on Saturday.

- Great, OK.

And it's top secret.

You can't tell anyone.

What are we talking about here? Orgy?

Is it a human sacrifice of some kind?

We're... collectors.

Ill let the guys fill you in.

Some people collect

vintage automobiles.

Some people collect fine wines.

Fender collects people.

- People?

- Yeah.

Each of us Ends a remarkable person

and invites them to dinner at Fender's.

We call it the Dinner for Winners.

Here's the guy that I invited last year.

There you go. Look at that.

The guy designed that suit.

Real-life Iron Man.

- He took first prize.

- He's an idiot.

You got it.

You invite idiots to dinner

and make fun of them?

That's,,. messed up.

- I know, right?

- It's completely messed up.

Al the end of the night, Fender picks

the best one, gives him a trophy

and we release him out

in the wild, none the wiser.

Yeah. No harm, no foul.

Hey, you're gonna do great.

Just have a little subtlety

when you pick your guy.

Fender's a connoisseur.

Yeah. Hey, and no mimes.

It's a clich.

Jacobson brought a mime.

Exactly. And you don't see

his sh*t here, anymore, do you?

- Hey.

- Hey!

Congratulations.

So how did it go?

What happened today?

Oh, I'll tell you later.

Look at this crowd!

I know, it's amazing.

We actually sold every painting.

That's incredible! Oh, my God!

Except that I did another on of my name-fiasco thingies

Oh, God, What happened?

The director of

San Francisco MoMA is here.

His name is Steve Doche.

And I thought that it

was pronounced "Douche."

God. It's like the Ron Fuchs

episode all over again.

Well, it actually kind of

loosened things up, and...

...and he's giving Kieran a solo show,

and he wants me to curate it.

Oh, my God!

You know, that is so like you!

You call a guy a douche

and get your first

museum show out of it.

You're amazing.

I love you so much.

Youre stunning and youre smart an youre just awful with pronunciation.

- Hey!

- I'm not Fuching around here.

Marry me.

I love you.

I want to spend the rest

of my life with you.

But remember when

you asked me before,

and I said this is a big step, and maybe

we should just wait a little bit?

Yeah?

- That was two days ago.

- I know. I know.

I just need a little bit of time.

All right. I'll ask you in two hours.

Let's go.

Wow, it's packed.

So, where's the artiste?

I always try and create

some tension in my work.

Once a reviewer said

of a certain piece of mine,

may said, "i mink mars disgusting."

I said, "Good! I want it

to disgust you."

Sometimes I'll be working on a piece

and I'll think, "No, this is bullshit."

So I will literally rub bull excrement

on the piece as a meta... metaphor.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

Julie.

Kieran, you remember Tim?

- The stockbroker.

- No. No.

I work for a private equity firm

that specializes in distressed assets.

- So kind of a stockbroker.

- Almost nothing like a stockbroker.

Do you mind if I just

call you stockbroker?

It's the way I remember people.

You're stockbroker Tim.

Hey, so what do you think?

Really... tremendous work.

They're so big.

And you're in all of them.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote