Dinner for Schmucks Page #2

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Come with me, Tim.

Enjoy.

I have a little ranch... I say little.

It's absolutely massive

if you actually measure,

outside of town, where I go to

disappear, get away from this bullshit.

One of my zebras was in labor.

It was a messy business.

The foal was in breech.

At about the 22nd hour,

I just said, "Stuff it."

And I just thrust my hand in,

turned the little guy around.

Do you have any idea what its like

to be up to your elbow...

in a zebra's vagina?

And feel life? New life, fresh life.

- No, I don't.

- You should try it, Tim. It's magical.

Yeah, I'm OK.

She let me keep the afterbirth

to create this piece.

Oh, wow, that's disgusting.

I don't think I get it, Kieran.

Poppycock. You've been

stockbroking too long, Tim.

What does it make you think of?

I guess it kind of makes me...

...think of your penis.

Then you get it.

Julie gets it.

Hi, I need you to talk to a buyer.

This way.

See you in a bit.

Do you know what its like to have

your entire head inside its anus?

Julie? Poppycock.

OK, so you're just completely

immune to his animal magnetism?

He looks good in a pair

of hooves. What can I say?

So, are you gonna tell me

what happened today?

I think I might've

gotten that promotion.

Really? Oh, my God, that's amazing.

- Well...

- When? When do you start?

All right, well, it's not

official yet. It's not official.

- There's this dinner.

- Good. When is it?

- it's Saturday.

- OK. We can do that.

No, it's not really

a girlfriend type thing.

It's really the guys from the office.

- And we have to bring a person.

- What do you mean, "a person?"

A person with a skill

or a talent of some kind.

Are you talking about strippers,

here? 'Cause I'm not...

No, no. Nothing like that. No.

We have to bring an idiot

to dinner to make fun of them.

- OK, that is messed up.

- I know,

- I know.

- So you told them you're not going.

Oh, yeah. No, absolutely.

Tell Fender I can't make the dinner.

Tell him my back thing is acting up,

and I have to stay

in bed for a few days.

Why don't I just tell him

you're having your period?

Um, I can't stay

on this floor anymore.

These people are pathetic!

Happy birthday, Carol.

Why can? you just suck it up,

make fun of some idiots and stop

thinking about yourself for once?

Susana, I know this

is painful for you,

but sometimes in life

you have to do the right thing.

Just lie. l!'s not that hard.

I'm texting a lie right now!

Jesus Christ!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm OK.

- Is that a Porsche?

- Yeah.

I have been hit by a Datsun before.

- Never a Porsche.

- Oh, man...

- Barry Speck.

- Tim Conrad.

Are you sure you're OK?

I didn't see you. What were you doing?

Well, I saw this little guy in

the street, I was trying to save him.

- I think it's dead.

- Yes, that's why he couldn't run away.

A couple more seconds,

you would've squished him.

Nice pelt, though.

Ready?

I hope those aren't for your lawyer.

No. I would rather

not have lawyers get involved.

All right, I get it.

You said you were fine, but...

What would it take

to keep the lawyers out?

Five.

Five dollars.

I don't... What do you mean?

- Ten dollars.

- Seriously, what? Come on.

How much do you want?

- Hundred dollars.

- I don't want anything.

- Five hundred dollars.

- I don'!... It's OK.

- All right...

- As long as you're OK, then...

Ten thousand!

OK, I'll take ten thousand dollars.

I don't have ten thousand dollars.

You know what? Don't worry about it.

- Really?

- Yeah. As long as you're OK.

- You're a good person.

- No... It's all right.

- Get out of the road!

- You are. You're a good person.

- Thank you.

- No, you really are.

- You're a really nice person.

- All right, well, as long as you're OK,

- that's OK.

- Thanks. Thank you.

Yeah. You take care.

I won't forget this.

- You dropped your...

- Oh, yeah. That's my latest series.

I know. Mouseterpieces. Get it?

- That's the Mona Lisa.

- That's the Mouse-a-Lisa.

- Mouse-a-Lisa...

- There they are.

Found her on the 405. From here down,

she was a mess, but the head, perfect.

Oh, that's Cubism,

Not as easy as it looks.

Well, it doesn't look easy.

I like her. I love the tail.

- Check that out. You like them?

- I'm speechless.

So is he.

'Cause he's screaming.

I was just stopping by the store today

to get some pelt wax and spine wire.

Wanted to ill the guys in

on what I've been up to,

Hey, you know what? I have some

in the flesh. Want to see 'em?

Where did they...?

Come here! Come here!

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Don't look!

- OK... All right...

- Can I look?

Hold on, hold on, hold on...

Go ahead.

Incredible.

Does that guy look sort of familiar?

I'll give you a hint.

He wrote the Bible.

- ls it Jesus?

- Yes!

- You know your stuff!

- Amazing.

Yeah. Well, it's a hobby.

I like to think that...

...I'm sort of giving them

a second chance, you know?

In the words of John Lennon, "You

may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."

- "The only one."

- The only what?

No, that's the lyric. "You may say I'm

a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

OK, Tim.

You know, Barry, this was

a very strange way to meet,

but I think everything

happens for a reason.

Did you make that up?

Yeah.

"Everything happens

for a reason." I like that.

Thanks. Anyway, tomorrow night,

I'm having dinner with some friends.

Are you? That's incredible.

Congratulations.

I was wondering,

would you like to join us?

- You shitting me?

- No.

Say that your girlfriend

thinks meat is murder,

and she convinces

you to become a vegetarian.

Then one day, you're grilling up

a veggie burger, and all of a sudden,

a chicken comes up, plucks itself,

covers itself in barbecue sauce

and flings itself on the grill.

That's God sending a message, right?

Yeah, that chicken wants to die.

No. God wants us

to move to the seventh floor.

And He sent His only son to tell me.

Come with me, my children,

to the seventh floor,

Tim! I'd like you to meet

Mr. and Mrs. Mueller

Of course! What a pleasure

it is to meet you.

Mr. Conrad!

You sent the lamp to my hotel.

- That's... yeah!

- I wished to meet you in person.

Yes, Tim was really helpful when

we came up with the idea for the lamps.

And we'd been discussing

personal investment as well.

That's a conversation I'm very much

looking forward to getting back to.

- Well, I'm glad we could do this.

- Yeah.

Congratulations on your

new Matisse. It's beautiful.

My wife is a true collector.

It was quite a bidding war.

Well, to the victor go the spoils.

You know my family crest.

Our motto continues to inspire.

- Ad Victorem Spolias.

- Fantastic.

- Well, shall we?

- Yeah.

Join us.

So you follow the art world,

Mr. Conrad?

I try to. My girlfriend runs

The Cronin Gallery downtown.

I would love to meet her.

We must have brunch tomorrow.

They can speak about beauty.

We can speak about business.

Sounds perfect.

I'll have my assistant

make the arrangements.

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