Dinner for Schmucks Page #3

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OK, what the hell just happened?

This guys supposed to be my client.

- You're still just an analyst...

- No, no, this is better.

I didn't know it was

going to be a double date.

Tim's the only one here who

isn't divorced or dating a hooker.

This guy wants to invest $100 million.

Don't mess it up. We need this.

Well, the sixth floor steps up.

- Excuse me.

- Yeah.

Hey, rooting for you, buddy, Good luck.

- My girlfriend's not a hooker.

- She tried to give me a BJ.

If she didn't ask for money,

then she's not a hooker, is she?

She asked me for money.

It wasn't that expensive, either.

I still had a ton of singles left over

from your sister's birthday party.

Hey, is Cinnamon a family name?

- Hey, honey.

- Hey!

Glad you're still here. Look,

don't make plans tomorrow morning.

Why?

How'd you like to have brunch

with a fascinating Swiss couple?

- OK.

- She's an art collector

and he's got a lot of money.

- I need you. This is huge.

- it's huge?

- Really huge.

- What's this?

What is this?

That's a...

It's a mouse dressed like Jesus.

This guy that I ran into today,

he makes them.

He's amazing.

He's some kind of artisan.

Really? Are you doing that dinner?

No.

- Hey, come on.

- No, not when you're lying to me.

- Julie, Fender invited me.

- So?

Fender, as in Fender Financial?

The you I know

would have just said no.

The me that you know did say no.

But the me that you don't know

had to say yes.

- The you I don't know?

- Yes.

Look, there's you

and the me that you know.

And we love each other

and we have a wonderful life.

But then there's the me

that you don't know.

And the me that you don't know

has to do things sometimes so that you

and the me that you know

can live in this nice apartment,

and eat at nice restaurants

and go to Cabo for Christmas.

- He takes care of us.

- You know what?

There should not be

any you I don't know.

But there is.

You might not like him.

I don't like him.

I hate him! But we need him.

- You know? It's like the CIA.

- The CIA?

The CIA does some pretty funky,

nasty stuff in the shadows,

but I, for one, am glad they're there.

The CIA doesn't invite people to dinner

- to make fun of them.

- No. The CIA kills people.

And I'm getting raked over the coals

because of a little dinner.

Can I just ask you something?

Is there any you I don't know

who isn't completely full of sh*t?

I'd love to talk to him right now.

Julie, come on. Julie!

Julie! Julie, where are you going?

I... I have to go meet Kieran

and talk about San Francisco.

Julie, please come out of the elevator.

All right? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'll call him,

I'll tell him the dinner's off.

- I want to believe you.

- You can believe me.

I'll never see that guy in my life.

- Yeah.

- I promise.

Oh, my,,, Let's talk later.

- In a few hours.

- What?

I think we need to cool off.

- Gosh, I hate when that happens.

- We'll talk in a bit, OK?

- Just give ourselves a moment...

- I gotta go to work.

I feel like I'm in The Shining.

You are welcome.

Oh, God. My back, my back, my back.

Is it your back?

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, I went to the address you gave me.

Nobody was there.

Are we having this dinner or not?

OK, just... slow.

Au right.

- What are you doing?

- I'm applying heat.

Barry, please stop doing that.

- I'm gonna ix your back.

- Barry, stop!

I am a trained taxidermist.

- And I am alive.

- You are tight.

- Oh, God!

- OK...

Look at that face!

- Stop it!

- OK, all right.

- I hope this doesn't mess up dinner.

- We're not having dinner tonight.

- it's tomorrow,

- I don'! think so, Tim.

Barry, I made the plans.

I know when it is.

- I'm pretty sure it's tonight.

- it's not tonight.

OK. All right.

I guess one of us got confused.

Great. She left her phone here.

You know what they say,

everything happens for a reason.

YOU Said That.

You know what, Barry?

I am really, really looking forward

to our dinner tomorrow night.

But, right now,

I'd appreciate it if you just left.

And the reason is...'?

Because I got

in a right with my girlfriend,

and because I'd like to be here

alone when she comes back, OK?

- What if she doesn't come back?

- She's coming back.

Hey, we are gonna

get through this together.

I think I know someone

who might make you feel better.

Remember this guy

from the street? This is you.

Barry, that was a dead mouse

in the road

a couple of hours ago.

Please get it away from my face.

It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it?

You feel better?

- it's amazing.

- Are you cheered up?

Barry, I have a back brace

in my bedroom.

If you could just help me

get off this couch...

Sure.

I wan! to do this

very slowly and carefully.

On the count of...

Three!

- All you.

- All right.

Now, I... If I could just...

You can do it. You got it!

Oh, yeah! Yeah, Tim!

- You got this! I'll help!

- No, no, no! I have it.

- All right.

- I'm good.

Tim, you look good!

What are you doing?

- What are you doing?

- Computer,

Oh, my God!

You gave her my address?!

- She's very concerned about you.

- Barry, this woman is a nightmare.

She's been stalking me

for three years!

I slept with her one night,

biggest mistake of my life.

- It was before I even met Julie.

- Why did you do that?

Because it was New Years

and I was drunk

arid she was wearing these fishnet stockings

You want me to

tell her not to come?

Go. Go.

Come to dinner tomorrow

and that's it. Let's go. Move!

Come on! Go, go!

- Oh, my God, what have you done?

- I'm gonna make it up to you.

OK! OK!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't little miss panty bottom.

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- I am a friend of Tim's.

- Yeah, I don't know you.

- Oh, you don't?

So you know everything about Tim?

You are the world's greatest

expert on all things Tim?

Did Tim invite you

to a dinner tomorrow night?

According to him,

it is tomorrow night, yes.

Right. You want my advice?

- Don't go.

- OK, may I give you some advice, too?

Do not wear fishnets on New Years Eve.

It's too cold. When the wind blows,

you gotta go with the hose.

- You know what? I really need to...

- Now, Darla, Darla, come on,,,

- Darla?

- Yes. He told me all about you.

Really? What did Tim tell you about me?

Told me about the sex.

The Sex?

The dirty, dirty sex. But he lives

with a woman named Julie,

and if she comes home

and Ends you, that, that...

You can imagine how she would feel.

Yeah, I imagine

she'd be pretty pissed off.

I gotta nip this in the bud.

- You gotta move along.

- You tell your friend, Tim, he can...

You tell him he can kiss my ass.

Don't have to. We have a picture.

Problem solved. l intercepted

your stalker in the hallway.

Darla showed up?

And you got her to leave?

Oh, I don't think you're

ever gonna see her again.

- Who is that?

- Kieran Vollard. He's an artist.

Very attractive man. He can it

a whole octopus in his mouth.

Sort of an animal magnetism

about him.

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