Dinner for Schmucks Page #4

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That's what Julie says.

"For Julie.

Thanks for everything. Kieran."

- Everything?

- Yeah, she curated his show.

Bet that's not all she curated.

I don't know what that means, Barry.

Well, I don't know

what curated means.

Where is she?

Working.

Probably with Kieran.

Where? In his bed?

I seriously doubt

theyre working in his bed.

Well, if they're not working,

why are they in his bed?

Tim, you need to call Kieran's house

and see if she's there.

I'm not doing that.

It's the only way you're

gonna know for sure.

- I'm not calling.

- I'm telling you...

No, I'm not gonna call Kieran

and say I don't know where Julie is.

- Do it. Do it.

- No. No.

All right, I will.

What reason could you possibly

have for calling him?

I want to make

a movie about his life.

I want to make a documentary.

I gain his confidence,

and then he starts feeling more

relaxed about talking to me.

He's really opening up to me.

We're talking about his

sex life and then...

...Julie's name pops up

and we've got it on tape!

- Yeah.

- He's been curated!

Well, that sounds like

a bullet-proof plan.

What's his number?

-One-1-1...1-1...

- Hold on.

OK. Go.

- One-1 -1

- Got that.

One-1

- One-1.

- OK.

He must've changed his number.

I'm just getting a weird sound.

Oh, well. We tried.

There he is. Kieran Vollard. I got him.

Don'!! Don't!

- I'm serious. Don't call him.

- it's ringing...

Hang up the phone.

Hang up the phone!

I'm gonna do an accent.

Don't do an accent.

Hang up the phone.

- Hello?

- Hello! How are you?

This is Nigel!

I'm a documentary filmmaker

-from London, England.

- Hang up!

May I speak to Kieran Vollard, please?

- This is Kieran.

- Kieran.

I want to make a documentary

about your life.

Start the water, Ill be right in. Yeah, I could do an interview.

Smashing! Champagne wishes

and caviar dreams!

I will have my man-servant

Contact you with the details.

That sounded like Julie's laugh.

She might've been there!

- I'm going over there.

- No, Tim!

You can't drive in this condition.

Clutch! Oh, God, use the clu...

You cant just shift.

You need to use the clutch, Barry.

Oh, God.

OK, hold on. I'll get it.

No, no, no, no...

- OK.

- I got it.

She's gotta be in there.

Just need to get her attention.

Those were my car keys, weren't they?

Oh, God.

Here we go. Let's do this thing.

Barry! Barry, just...

Just get the keys and come back!

Barry!

I am inside the apartment.

I know. I want you out of the apartment.

Get the keys and let's get out of here!

Oh, Tim, I wish you could

see this place! It's amazing!

I thought you had

a great apartment.. This...

This, my friend... Oh, my God!

He's friends with Morgan Freeman.

Please get the hell out of there.

He's coming!

- Cat got the Tim mouse!

- Forget about the mouse! Come on!

Get the keys and get out of there!

Forget the mouse!

Thank you. Hey! He's OK!

Hide! Hide!

Kieran, I'm ready.

Barry!

Barry!

Julie's here.

Oh, yes..

Sounds like they're having intercourse.

That's it. Oh, fantastic.

I'm having trouble describing

what I'm looking at.

Fly, fly...

Yes! Primordial...

Hello.

Who are you?

I'm...

Monique, Christina, this is Tim.

He's a stockbroker,

or something like that.

- Tim, can I help you?

- No, no, no. Sorry, I...

I'm Nigel Nigel!

- I'm here doing a documentary!

- You can stop that now, Barry.

My name's not Barry! So, what

have you done with Julie?

Tim... has Julie left you?

Oh, Tim. I was always very

attracted to Julie and I still am.

You must be broken.

She's a wonderful creature.

Stop...

I have to say, though, Tim,

I'm not surprised.

- Really?

- There's not a lot of monogamy

in the animal kingdom. Not many

animals mate for life. Penguins do.

I've spent a lot of time with penguins,

and they're really cool.

And maybe you're a penguin, Tim,

but Julie's not a penguin.

She's a lioness. Don't try

to mate a lioness with a penguin.

Ever. Have you ever seen

a mammal and a bird mate?

I've never even heard of that.

Is that right?

You gonna try and tame her?

- 'Cause I don't think you're her type.

- Maybe. But I have something.

Something that women respond to.

That's true. Julie and I

have been saying that.

- Tim doesn't get it.

- He's right. Listen to your friend.

Am I gonna make love with

Christina and Monique tonight?

Yeah! Hell, yes! Guilty.

You caught me out. Yeah.

But only because

it's part of my process.

Your "process"?

There are two things in this world:

Wonderful, visceral, sexy sex...

...and death.

Horrible, boring death.

Now, I'm gonna go off and have some

sex with these girls before I die.

Go ahead.

If you guys wanna join, that's cool.

But don't look at me in the eye.

It puts me off.

- What?

- OK, you're not into it. That's cool.

Good to see ya, Tim,

Thanks for visiting. Great to meet you.

I wanna grow a beard.

I know you're set on a

documentary, but hear me out...

Charlize Theron plays Julie.

Kieran plays himself.

I don't know.

It is something to think about.

Three, two, one...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

How did you do that?

A human back and a rodent back

are eerily similar.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Now, go.

- What about dinner?

- It's tomorrow, Barry. Tomorrow.

That's interesting.

You say you're over Darla and yet you

have a picture of her in your apartment.

How does Julie feel about that?

That is Julie.

Barry, is that the woman

you talked to in the hallway?

Well...

Well...

She has the same face.

I'll get the door.

Where's Tim?

- Oh, God.

- Well, well.

You blew it with Julie.

Just like you blew it with me.

Poor little Timmy.

You missed your chance.

And you'll never have me again.

- Let's go.

- You're hurting me.

- I'm not," Stop it.

- Please, stop hurting me.

- I'm not even touching you.

- Why do we keep doing this?

You know, some day,

I'm really gonna leave you.

All right, go, go!

Get out of my house, right now!

You're very cruel, Tim.

- Hello.

- Who's your friend?

Barry, his name's Barry.

Wanna watch while I screw

Barry's brains out?

- I can honestly say no to that one.

- Oh, really?

So, do you guys wanna get pizza?

Wanna lick cheese

off my naked body?

I'm sure Tim has plates.

Hello?

Hey, whos Dana?

I just met your friend earlier.

He told me some pretty

interesting things

- about this woman.

- What did he saw

- Oh, I don't know. He spoke about...

- Oh, wow, you're like a friendly dog.

- ...talked about sex...

What?

What exactly did he say?

Can you just tell me?

Are you cheating on me?

lt's not a difficult question to answer!

- Hello? Are you cheating on me?

- She put it in her pants.

Tim! I don't know why it's

so hard for you to answer..

Julie! You're crazy to think

that I'm cheating on you!

That's insane!

Where are you? Where are you?

- Julie!

- I think I hung up.

You have no right!

No right? Barry, we're gonna be a while.

- You're a crazy person.

- All right, I'll be here.

Hey, Tim? Tim?

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