Dinner for Schmucks Page #5

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- Tim?

- Oh, God...

Tim? Timmy Tim?

What do you say?

Should we drive him crazy?

OK!

I'm a naughty little schoolgirl!

You look a little old

to be a schoolgirl.

I need to be punished.

Hey, Naomi, how you doing? It's Tim.

I'm wondering if

you've heard from Julie.

Don't you wanna be my schoolteacher?

I'm really not qualified.

I work for the IRS.

- No, no, no...

- Not tonight.

- No, all the time. I work...

- OK, OK.

You work for the IRS,

and I have been very...

- ...very bad.

- Have you heard from Julie?

- I haven't paid my taxes...

- No?

...and I need to be spanked! Now!

Well, that's really

not the way it works.

You probably just have to pay

the difference, plus interest.

OK, I...

- I need you to spank me real hard.

- I'm looking for Julie.

Spank me hard, Barry!

- Barry!

- No, no. That's the TV.

Oh, yeah! Oh, Barry!

Yeah! Oh, Barry!

Oh, Barry!

If she gets in touch with you, please

tell her to call me. It's an emergency.

You're like some

crazy animal all over...

- I wanna be a penguin!

- I like to eat penguins.

Hope you don't catch me.

Penguins are very slow.

Except I'm Turbo Penguin!

Come here... I'm gonna catch you...

Did you hurt your knee?

Barry, that's funny,

You are a bad little penguin.

Don't get me!

Come here!

- You're gonna die.

- No, I'm not.

Oh, God.

God!

Barry?

Tim? Call me! OK?

This was so much fun! I love you!

Forever And ever...

Barry! Barry.

Works every time.

If you are attacked,

you should always play dead.

People don't want to punch

something that's dead.

- it's instinctual.

- She's gone?

Yes, she is.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, we had a little bit of a ruckus.

Oh, my God!

- That your phone?

- Julie's.

Kieran.

Hey listen, when you get up there,

let the horse into the pasture.

She loves to run around in the grass.

Grab a bottle of wine,

make yourself a fire,

stay as long as you want.

This is gonna be good for you.

- She's going to his ranch.

- Oh, my God.

- That's code.

- What?

It's code, Tim.

You should watch Law & Order:

Horse is heroin. Grass is marijuana.

The horse likes to

run around on the grass.

The heroin likes to

run around on the marijuana.

Wine. Alcohol.

Like beer. Or wine.

Oh, man, they are planning

one hell of a party.

It's gonna be wild up there.

I think that you need to get out of

my house in the next... 30 seconds,

before I beat you to death

with the chair that you're sitting in.

- What?

- You have to go. I want you to go.

- Who's gonna help you with Julie?

- Who's gonna help me with Julie?

You didn't really

just say that, did you?

Because of you,

Julie thinks I'm having an affair

and she's on her way to Kieran's ranch!

Whatever you do,

don't help me with Julie!

We should go there and we should

explain the whole mix-up.

I don't know where it is. It's unlisted!

He goes there to disappear!

Please, please, I'm begging you!

Go, leave, go!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tim.

Wait. Tim, Tim!

I work at the Canoga Processing Center.

It's only the second-largest [RS

processing center on the west coast.

And you're telling me

this now because...?

If Kieran has a ranch, we can

ind the address from his tax return.

And if he's up there sleeping

with Julie, that's not business-related.

He can't deduct that.

- You can get me his tax returns?

- No. But I know somebody who can.

- There it is, The mother ship.

- It looks deserted.

No, no, no. He's in there.

My boss never sleeps.

Be careful around this guy.

- He can tell what you're thinking.

- What are you talking about?

Don't look him in the eye.

Don't think any embarrassing thoughts.

Just keep your mind blank.

Therman? I'd like you to meet

a friend of mine, Tim Conrad.

Hi.

I could use some help and Barry says

you're just the man for the job.

Have 3 Seat.

I did an audit on a

Steven Conrad two years ago.

Any relation?

- Where does he live?

- Bayside State Prison.

He's doing seven years.

Are you hiding something, Mr, Conrad?

- What is it that you do for a living?

- Don't ask. He makes money.

Nobody knows

where it comes from, though.

Shall we take a look

at his return, Barry?

Guys, I think we're

getting a little off track here.

- Look, I'm in a little bit of a rush.

- That's him.

Guys, I don't have much time, so...

Mr. Conrad...

Men lie to me a thousand times a day.

And my job is to

End the truth. Right, Barry?

I've studied the human mind.

I've learned how to read it and,

ultimately, control it.

This is fascinating,

I can't wait to read it.

It's $14.99 on my website,

- OK.

- Plus shipping and handling.

Even if I buy it here?

It's shipped from somewhere else,

isn't it? And I've been handling it.

Could you just tell Therman

why we're here?

We are looking for an address

of a nondeductible vacation property.

You are looking for

someone or something.

That's exactly right.

Tim is looking for his girlfriend.

She ran off with an artist.

They are probably sleeping together.

- Oh, God...

- Your girlfriend has left you.

- Tim, he can see right through you.

- Well, you also just told him that.

Are you still skeptical, Mr, Conrad?

Watch this. Barry...

What is he doing?

He's making me do something.

What is he making me do?

You're not doing anything, Barry.

That's right, Barry.

You're not doing anything.

I'm not doing anything.

- I'm paralyzed, Oh, God.

- God can't hear you, Barry.

- Tim?

- Tim can't hear you, Barry.

- No, actually, I can hear him.

- My bodys a prison.

This is so painful,

I can't move, Tim.

Tim, help me. Help me, Tim.

All right, you know what, Barry?

Just move. You can do it. Just move.

I release you.

OK, I will never take movement

for granted, ever again.

Well, I was wrong. Apparently,

his brain really is your puppet.

I need an address.

- Can you help me, please?

- Perhaps. For a price.

How much?

I just need to hear Barry say,

"You can eat my pudding."

No.

Barry, I can make you say it.

But with your own free will, say,

"You can eat my pudding."

Im not gonna say it.

Barry, I'm gonna eat it, anyway!

But I want you to say,

"You can eat my pudding!"

Barry, I will give you a thousand

dollars if you say it, right now.

A thousand dollars?

Barry, your friend is a high roller.

- You are hiding something.

- Wait a minute. No, wait...

Can we just stick to the issue at hand?

You almost had me. But you cannot

declare offshore investment losses

against future capital gains.

Any child knows that.

I'll have to ask

my accountant about that.

Mr. Conrad...

,,,you, my friend... are being audited.

NO, HO, HO.

Call the 800 number.

I release you.

Hey, Tim?

I guess you just have to remember

what the wise man once said...

"Everything happens for a reason."

- You know who said that?

- Shut up, Barry.

- You did. You're the wise man.

- Don't talk.

Don't say a word.

Don't move your lips.

Oh, my God. It's Martha.

it's my ex-wife.

There's my magic man.

- Look at you. OK,

- Get in the car, Pudding.

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