Dirty 30

- So, Richard.

- Yeah?

- Your profile picture

looked a little different,

I got to say.

- Oh, very good eye.

Good eye, my lady.

Yes, that picture is,

in fact, Nathan Fillion

from television's "firefly,"

but everyone's always

saying how we're doppelgangers

and we look exactly alike,

so I just kind of let it ride.

- People tell you that?

- Yeah.

Yeah, my mom.

- Anybody else?

- Nope.

- Okay.

Hi!

- Hi.

How are you two tonight?

- Hi.

- Are you the chef?

- I am the waitress.

- Very cool.

- Yeah, so what can I get you?

- I'll start?

- Sure.

- I am gonna do

a white Russian to drink.

You know what?

Let's make it a double.

Or do you do bottle service?

- Not really.

- Okay, well, then I'll take

a triple white Russian,

and I'm also gonna do

the eggplant Parmesan

but with vodka sauce,

if I could.

Maybe an extra shot in there

or something.

- Okay, thank you.

And for you?

- I will have the, um...

I'm gonna stick with the water

and I will have two

complimentary bread baskets,

please.

Unless you wanted to, uh...

- Oh, no, I'm all set.

- Make it three?

- Okay, great.

Be right back.

Both:
Whoo!

Jinx.

- Yep.

So I think your profile said

you work in

the film industry, right?

- It does say that.

- Yeah.

That's cool.

- Yeah.

- That's interesting.

- I work at take two video.

I'm the manager over there.

Yeah.

We are actually the last store

in the country

that still rents VHS tapes.

- Cool.

- And you work with teeth?

- I do.

I am a orthodontist assistant.

- Fascinating,

because I actually have

a bit of an issue.

I... I've had this weird thing

in my mouth for, like,

18 months for so, and I think

it might be a popcorn kernel,

but I haven't been to a movie

in, like, years.

- We're gonna do this?

- It feels like a kernel,

but it could also be ham.

It smells like ham.

- Yeah.

- It does, right?

- Yeah.

- So maybe it's ham.

I ask because if it is ham

and it's hardened in there,

at what point does it just

become a tooth

and do I start treating it

like a tooth?

- Hey, Karen, it's Kate.

Hey.

I am following up about fondue

night on the 12th.

My place, 7:
00.

What do you say?

Oh.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

We will do it another time.

Megan!

Hey, it's Kate fields.

Hi.

I saw that you're coming

to knitting club on Monday.

Oh, really?

Oh, I thought you said you were

attending on Facebook.

That's a bummer.

Hey, I'm just calling to make

sure that you and Ellen

actually read the book

for this week.

Yeah, no, "great expectations"

isn't that great.

Well, it doesn't matter.

You want to just come hang out

or something?

Totally get it.

Soon.

Yeah.

Totally.

Bye.

Hey!

Marco!

Brian!

Hey, it's Kate.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm just calling

to get a final headcount

for the dinner party

next Friday.

No problem.

We'll do it another time.

Okay.

Bye.

Okay, but if you guys already

have plans, then don't...

- we'll cancel them!

Consider them canceled.

Both:
Taco Tuesday,

taco Tuesday,

taco Tuesday!

- I don't understand

how you just do raw onions.

- They're good for you.

- Oh, hey!

Guys, I was thinking.

For Saturday, what do you guys

think about either fondue

or medieval times?

- I can't do fondue, Kate.

I am lactose intolerant.

- Yeah, and I'm

theme restaurant intolerant.

- All right, no worries.

Just yelp said they're fun

for birthdays, so...

- Mm.

- You b*tches forgot

my birthday!

- What?

No.

- Yeah!

- Hey, does anybody

need a refill?

Or, like,

maybe two new best friends?

'Cause we are the worst.

- No, no, no, no.

I, um, I didn't forget.

I was going to surprise you,

so you ruined it.

- Evie, what day is my birthday?

- Fri...

- s...

Both:
Saturday.

- Fri-Saturday?

- I was saying, "for Saturday."

I had something planned

for Saturday,

but I should just cancel it now

because classic Kate found out.

- Good 'cause it's not

a big deal.

- Kate fields.

It's your 30th birthday!

- Yes, and I don't want to make

a big deal about it.

- No, let's make a big deal.

Let's have a party!

Yes, please!

Please let us throw you a party.

Please, please, please.

It's what I do.

- Mm, no thank you,

but if you insist on going out,

I'll break out this bad boy.

Red lobster, baby!

25 big ones,

courtesy of aunt Meryl, who...

- Oh, yeah.

- Is a freak.

Officially.

- Wow.

Well, I'll get excited

if there's that

cheesecake factory gift card

in here.

- I think there is,

but I used it.

- What is this?

It's from Lincoln high.

- I don't know.

They probably want money.

Are we old enough that schools

want money from us now?

- I think you are, technically.

Yeah.

- Oh, okay.

That's how it's gonna be.

- Shut the front door!

Um...

- What?

Did I not graduate?

- No, okay, um...

Do you remember in... i think it

was sophomore English

when Mr. Robbins had us

write letters

to our 30-year-old selves?

- Vaguely.

- Yeah, well, uh,

he actually mails them.

- Oh, my god.

- Stop it.

No!

Evie!

Don't!

- Please read it.

Kate.

- Sit down.

- Okay.

We're really doing this, huh?

- "Dear 30-year-old Kate."

- Oh, wow.

You dot your "I" s

with little stars.

That's precious.

- "Hey, Kate.

"Congrats on surviving till 30.

You go, girl!"

- "You go, girl"?

- It was the early 2000s.

And "you go, girl" is timeless.

Come on.

- That's debatable.

"You will be

a super successful orthodontist

with your own practice."

- Cool.

Teenage me's already 0 for 1.

- "There will be a little one

to take care of

or at least a bun in the oven."

- I don't even use my oven.

Literally or metaphorically.

- "You will have the greatest

guy in the world.

"He'll be handsome and sweet

and funny.

"I have no doubt you will have

the most incredible life.

I'll see you then."

- Yeah, that last line

was pretty creepy.

- "Enjoy your

30th b-day blowout bash, Kate.

I'm sure it will be a night

to remember."

See?

Look.

Your 16-year-old self

wanted a party, so please.

- Absolutely not.

In fact, I'm gonna go on record

right now and say that we're not

doing anything for my birthday,

so you guys make other plans.

Oh, there's a p.S.

"P.S. Ashley Driscoll

can eat sh*t."

Classy.

- Oh, Ashley Driscoll.

- You know, on my first day

at Lincoln high,

Ashley Driscoll told me

my bowl cut looked like

a turtle was sitting on my head,

and then she threw lettuce

at me.

- Well, you still have

a bowl cut,

but it's an edgier bowl cut.

- There's a bowl cut

in my heart.

- She called me a theaturd.

- What is that?

- It's a combination

of the word "theater"

and the word "turd."

- Yeah, she was a b*tch,

but she dated Peter Finch.

Peter Finch was so hot.

Wow.

- Oh, that's my ride.

Did you still want us

to drop you off?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I should go.

Todd hates it when I'm late.

- All right.

Well, I'll see you guys later.

- I'll see you this weekend at

the party...

Both:
Party, party, party,

party, party, party.

Yeah, I can't do it.

- That was wet.

- Sorry.

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