Dirty Grandpa
- R
- Year:
- 2016
- 102 min
- $34,690,808
- 5,571 Views
So I said,
"If opposing counsel's
"invoking fiduciary
liability precedent
"under the terms of
Landgraf v. Henson,
"Your Honor, please,
by all means, go ahead,
"rescind the plaintiff's
de facto petition
"for injunctive relief."
- It was fun. It was fun.
- Yeah.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
I'll be right back.
So funny.
"Injunctive relief."
That tickled my funny bone.
What's up, Nick?
F***ing sucks dick
about Grandma?
Yeah.
Old woman f***ing
murdered like that.
Nick, she had cancer.
We'll never
know the truth.
- We absolutely know the truth.
- Yeah.
Grandma had cancer
for 10 years.
You don't just die
from cancer, Jason!
Calm down...
I'll see you at the
crossroads, Grandma.
What are you doing? Are you kidding me?
Right now?
Hey, get your
sh*t together!
My dad and my fiancee
are literally standing
right next to us.
- Beyonce's here?
- No.
What is that?
- What are you doing?
- I'm just...
Are you f***ing
high right now?
No, this isn't...
- You're high as a kite!
- It's an e-cigarette.
It's filled
with a little weed,
but it's an e-cigarette.
Grow up, man!
What are you doing?
"Grow up"?
How adult are you?
What, do you listen
to NPR in your Volvo?
You play racquetball
competitively
against business
associates?
No. No.
You ever go away
to a rented house
with other couples
and then play Scattergories
over a bottle of white wine?
Jason.
I just blew a shot at
your grandma's memory.
Poor Grandpa...
Our first reading
is from Deuteronomy 30:19.
"This day I call
the heavens and the earth
"as a witness against you..."
"...that I have set before you
life and death..."
Hey, babe, I found the tie
you're going to wear
to the rehearsal
brunch Sunday.
Do you like the coral
color or the salmon?
"...that the race
is not to the swift..."
Either one.
"...nor the battle
to the strong."
Babe, what's wrong?
Coral or salmon?
Well, what do you like?
I mean...
I like the coral.
That's what
I was going to say, too.
- Okay, cool. Okay.
- Okay.
Coral it is!
It's going to be
a special day.
"...now choose life,
"so that you
and your children shall live."
Anyway, I'm down
in Valdosta right now.
I opened up
a f***ing pet shop...
Not pet shop,
"puppy mill."
Puppy mill...
You know, designer dogs
get a bad name,
but they can go
Really?
It's just hard
to get them to mate.
Because the little dogs,
they don't wanna
f*** the big dogs,
and the big dogs, they don't
wanna f*** the little dogs...
So I gotta manually
do it, you know.
I gotta spread
and manually shoot in.
So, what's up with you?
Well, I'm keeping
pretty busy...
Cool.
Hey, Diane,
- how's it going?
- Hi, Nick.
Hey, Nick.
I just don't understand
why you have
to drive down to Florida
tomorrow already, Dad!
We just had the funeral.
Your grandmother
and I were there
at this time
every year.
It's what
she would have wanted.
I'd drive down myself,
except they took
my license away.
But why does Jason have
to be the one to drive you?
He's so busy at work...
Got the wedding
coming up next weekend,
the rehearsal brunch.
You know, the entire law
firm is coming to this.
- It's true, Grandpa.
- Jason...
We have a lot of stuff,
Meredith and I...
I'll handle it.
Go ahead.
How about Cousin Nick?
Dad?
Why doesn't Nick do it?
We got this chocolate Lab
down at the store
that is just so horny,
every time I touch
the back of its ear,
it just gushes cum.
- Okay.
- I mean, like a squirting...
Is that your dog?
Nick isn't
legally allowed
to leave the state
of Georgia anymore.
I've barely seen this guy
since high school.
What's wrong with spending
some time with him?
So spending time
with family
is suddenly
important to you now?
Look, he can come here
tomorrow morning
for breakfast.
We can drive down
to Boca during the day,
maybe play a round
of golf or two,
then he'd be back here
in Atlanta the next day.
He can't just
flake off for two days!
The risk versus reward
here is just...
I don't see it happening.
It's what she would
have wanted, that's all.
But if you have to get
ready for your wedding,
if you're that busy...
I just don't understand
why he wants you to take him.
You're not even that close.
Well, we used to be.
Grandpa and I got along
growing up.
We used to build these
model trains every Christmas,
so I brought him...
Well, it seems like
we're cutting it
a little close
here, you know,
with the rehearsal
brunch on Friday...
I know. I know.
And by the way,
I can't find any
of the Martha's Vineyard
vacation photos
for the slide show.
I'm just freaking out.
That's because
they're on my laptop,
which I've got right here.
So I'll send them
to the wedding planner.
You don't have to worry
about anything.
Thanks.
And your dad says take 75,
because 16 takes forever.
Yeah, I know. He's got
it all mapped out for me.
And can you take
my car, sweetie?
I need
the SUV for the wine.
Grandpa?
Grandpa?
Grandpa?
Hey! You made it!
Give me a minute...
God! Sh*t!
Grab my ass!
- You ready to hit the road?
- I'm really sorry, Grandpa.
I didn't think
you'd be doing that.
So you caught me
taking a number three.
Big deal, right?
Number three?
Have a drink.
...No.
I'm driving, so...
I just got to finish up
my exercises,
and then we'll
hop on 16 to 95.
Dad says we should take 75 to 95.
It's more direct.
Dad's full of sh*t.
Grandpa, are you
sure you're okay?
Thanks for doing this,
by the way.
Those fuckheads
down at the DMV
took my goddamn
license away
because of these f***ing
cataracts in my eye.
But I can still
hit the sh*t
out of a golf ball,
that's for sure!
I made a tee time
for us in Florida
for this afternoon.
You can use your
grandmother's lady clubs,
they're right there
by the front door.
Okay.
All right,
you ready?
I thought the plan was
to have breakfast here?
That's your breakfast.
Now let's go get in that
giant labia you drove up in
and get the f***
out of here.
You sure I should be driving
with this, Grandpa?
Don't worry,
if you spill it,
this giant tampon we're
driving in should soak it up.
Just finishing
a work email
for the Steinhart
file...
So you're a lawyer at your
dad's firm now, is that right?
That's right,
and Meredith is too.
You know,
her dad is one of
the managing
partners there, so...
- I know, that's...
- Yeah.
It couldn't have
worked out better.
Because it's just
that I remember
when you were
in high school,
you told me how much you
wanted to be a photographer,
travel the world.
That sort of thing.
You remember when
I got you that subscription
to Time magazine?
Yeah, I used to be into
photography, but...
I mean, with Dad being
at the firm, pfft,
it just made
so much more sense
to focus on
a college curriculum
that stressed
the law school track.
I mean, I love what I do,
Grandpa.
Being a corporate lawyer
is awesome,
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