Dirty Grandpa Page #2

I get to handle

SEC compliance...

No sh*t!

Yeah. Yeah.

You handle SEC compliance?

LP agreements.

Man, I didn't know that.

LLC agreements.

You're shitting me!

Being a corporate lawyer,

it's got its upsides.

You know what

I'd rather do?

What?

I'd rather let Queen Latifah

sh*t in my mouth

from a f***ing

hot air balloon.

That's me. I'm gonna hit the

liquor store over there,

get some more

of the creature.

Meet you back

at the Dildomobile in five.

You're paying the check,

Alan Douche-owitz.

Where do I know that guy from?

He looks so familiar.

He looks like Abercrombie

f***ed Fitch.

Yeah,

while J.Crew J'd-off.

Sh*t! No, you guys, he was...

It's so funny.

He was my lab partner

in photography class,

freshman year.

No sh*t!

He's a Florida alum?

Lenore, you can totally

finish the trifecta.

My God, I already

have alum, remember?

I f***ed that crying

divorced guy, Tony.

- With the big balls.

- Right. Yeah.

- In the porta-potty.

- Yeah.

- At the tailgate.

- Yeah.

I need a professor.

Wait, I'm sorry.

What's the trifecta again?

It's this thing

I read about

where in my senior year

I have to f*** a freshman,

an alumni,

and a professor.

- Where did you read that?

- In my diary.

- Where I wrote it...

- Yeah.

He used to take the most

beautiful portraits

without using any filters

or Photoshop...

I've read your diary.

He was amazing.

My God, you did?

- Yeah.

- Did you like it?

You guys aren't listening.

I'm gonna go say hi to him.

- Okay?

- Slut...

I hope you don't get

Tommy Hilfingered.

That was really late,

but it still counts.

Just like

all my periods...

- Ew.

- What?

Hi. How are you?

Good. Here you go,

you can keep the change.

No, no, no.

I'm not... You...

Okay.

Guys?

Guys, listen to me.

What?

- Let's go.

- B*tch, what?

- Shut the f*** up! Go!

- My God!

You all set?

Yeah, I just gave my money

to the other waitress, sorry.

There is no

other waitress.

I'm the only one who's

ever worked here. Ever...

Sh*t! The f***ing piece

of sh*t car never starts!

Hey!

Hey!

God, he's like

a Mitt Romney Terminator.

Excuse me!

Sorry, my shift is actually over, so...

Sorry...

- No way.

- What?

I know you.

No.

Yeah, I do. You were

in my photography class.

You took all those

landscapes. Right?

Shadia.

Yeah. Shadia.

Holy sh*t,

you're Shadia?

- Yeah. Shadia.

- Shadia.

Jamba!

What the f***!

Shadia. It means

"singer" in Arabic.

Or in ancient Arabic,

"al-munshida

alati tunadi lel-mei."

Or, "she whose name

calls others to water."

That's actually right.

Shadia,

this is my...

Dr. Richards. I teach history

at the University of Georgia.

You're a professor?

Yeah. Why? You looking

for some extra credit?

Jason and I are doing

a story on the Middle East.

He's a photographer

for Time magazine.

You know, I lost my virginity

at my pop-pop's bingo night.

My name's Lenore.

"The rare

and radiant maiden

"whom the angels

named Lenore"

"Quoth the Raven,

'Nevermore'"

Diplomaticos?

Hey, you know your cigars.

What are you,

half Cuban or something?

Actually, I am, Professor.

- The bottom half.

- Okay.

- Okay, yeah, we're heading out.

- Yeah.

Good to see you. We're going

to Daytona Beach for the week.

My God, and we

should have been there

three f***ing hours ago,

so let's go, b*tches!

Holy sh*t.

What?

Nothing.

You're just really gay.

Am I?

Thanks, Captain Gaydar.

Jesus! You know,

I'm also black, right?

Yeah, I know.

That's funny too.

So you guys wanna tag

along for a bit maybe?

Party some babies

into us?

- Absolutely not!

- Absolutely not!

Why?

We have

- a very important tee time.

- Of course you do.

And do you also have to take a

nap before you play Mahjong?

- No, it's shuffleboard.

- Shuffleboard.

And then early

dinner at 4:
00.

We have a long-standing

bet. Who's the better golfer.

Obviously I've got

the bigger 3-wood...

Good. Maybe you can use it

to hit your balls

right into my vagina.

- Holy sh*t!

- Okay, we're going inside now.

- Jesus!

- Let's go. That's enough.

- Bye, Professor.

- Thanks for lunch.

Peace!

- Nice girl.

- Yeah.

Well? How do I look?

Like the keynote speaker at

a buttfucking convention.

- What?

- What?

- What?

- What?

We're gonna write

in the first hole,

it's an easy par-4.

- No, no, no, no. Hey...

- Jump in.

This is against

the rules, Grandpa.

F*** the rules.

Jump in. Come on.

Not to mention,

a breach in golf etiquette.

Beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep!

- Hey!

- Out of my way, buttfuckers!

Really? What are you doing?

We gotta get this guy

to his buttfucking convention.

What are you

trying to do, man?

What was that all about?

Hey. Now there's

a million-dollar swing!

I'm sorry!

You can go in front of us

if you want to.

We are not very good.

No, it's a good cut,

you're just not bending

your knees enough.

I'm a licensed golf pro.

You mind if I show you?

Yes, please.

Maybe bend over

a little bit... Here.

That feels about right,

doesn't it?

Hands on my shaft...

The shaft.

Let me just get

my finger in there.

One, two, three...

My God! Did you see that?

Thank you!

How long have you

been teaching golf?

Ever since I retired

from being an astronaut.

It's nice to see some heavenly

bodies around here too.

Hey, Grandpa,

don't you think we should

probably start golfing soon...

What the f***?

Wanna be a lamb

and get that for me?

Did he just

call you "Grandpa"?

Who, Pepe?

He's a retard.

Got it pretty bad, too.

He thinks I'm his grandpa.

He usually sits at home just

drawing dolphins all day.

We used to let him

out on his own,

but the raping got so bad

that we just...

Got it.

- You guys want a refill?

- Sure.

Absolutely!

BRB!

I'm sorry about

my grandpa.

He's...

He's not doing too well.

My grandma just passed and

the funeral was yesterday.

I'm actually a lawyer,

not a retard.

I handle of lot

of important issues.

SEC compliance,

LLC agreements. LP agreements.

That sort of stuff.

Yeah, well, I think

we're gonna get going.

- Nice to meet you, Pepe.

- Nice...

F***!

What happened?

Why are they going?

What did you do?

What? I told

them the truth.

I told them that I'm getting

married next week,

and you're not well

because your wife just died.

What are you,

f***ing vagina repellent?

Those cougars

wanted to party!

- They wanted to party?

- Yes!

Do you hear yourself?

Grandpa, are you kidding

me right now? Grandma...

I'm trying

to listen to myself.

Grandma's funeral

was yesterday!

Now you wanna

hit on college girls?

You're jerking off to porn?

- What's wrong with you?

- Jason, I want to f***!

My God...

For the first time

in 40 years

I'm single and

I want to f***.

I want to f***

until my dick falls off.

I want to f*** a horse

and I wanna drink its blood!

I'm gonna throw up.

I was faithful

to your grandmother

every day for 40 years,

even through the menopause,

even through the cancer.

She was the love of my life.

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