Dirty Grandpa

So I said,

"If opposing counsel's

"invoking fiduciary

liability precedent

"under the terms of

Landgraf v. Henson,

"Your Honor, please,

by all means, go ahead,

"rescind the plaintiff's

de facto petition

"for injunctive relief."

- It was fun. It was fun.

- Yeah.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I'll be right back.

So funny.

"Injunctive relief."

That tickled my funny bone.

What's up, Nick?

F***ing sucks dick

about Grandma?

Yeah.

Old woman f***ing

murdered like that.

Nick, she had cancer.

We'll never

know the truth.

- We absolutely know the truth.

- Yeah.

Grandma had cancer

for 10 years.

You don't just die

from cancer, Jason!

Calm down...

I'll see you at the

crossroads, Grandma.

What are you doing? Are you kidding me?

Right now?

Hey, get your

sh*t together!

My dad and my fiancee

are literally standing

right next to us.

- Beyonce's here?

- No.

What is that?

- What are you doing?

- I'm just...

Are you f***ing

high right now?

No, this isn't...

- You're high as a kite!

- It's an e-cigarette.

It's filled

with a little weed,

but it's an e-cigarette.

Grow up, man!

What are you doing?

"Grow up"?

How adult are you?

What, do you listen

to NPR in your Volvo?

You play racquetball

competitively

against business

associates?

No. No.

You ever go away

to a rented house

with other couples

and then play Scattergories

over a bottle of white wine?

Jason.

I just blew a shot at

your grandma's memory.

Poor Grandpa...

Our first reading

is from Deuteronomy 30:19.

"This day I call

the heavens and the earth

"as a witness against you..."

"...that I have set before you

life and death..."

Hey, babe, I found the tie

you're going to wear

to the rehearsal

brunch Sunday.

Do you like the coral

color or the salmon?

"...that the race

is not to the swift..."

Either one.

"...nor the battle

to the strong."

Babe, what's wrong?

Coral or salmon?

Well, what do you like?

I mean...

I like the coral.

That's what

I was going to say, too.

- Okay, cool. Okay.

- Okay.

Coral it is!

It's going to be

a special day.

"...now choose life,

"so that you

and your children shall live."

Anyway, I'm down

in Valdosta right now.

I opened up

a f***ing pet shop...

Not pet shop,

"puppy mill."

Puppy mill...

You know, designer dogs

get a bad name,

but they can go

for quite a pretty penny.

Really?

It's just hard

to get them to mate.

Because the little dogs,

they don't wanna

f*** the big dogs,

and the big dogs, they don't

wanna f*** the little dogs...

So I gotta manually

do it, you know.

I gotta spread

and manually shoot in.

So, what's up with you?

Well, I'm keeping

pretty busy...

Cool.

Hey, Diane,

- how's it going?

- Hi, Nick.

Hey, Nick.

I just don't understand

why you have

to drive down to Florida

tomorrow already, Dad!

We just had the funeral.

Your grandmother

and I were there

at this time

every year.

It's what

she would have wanted.

I'd drive down myself,

except they took

my license away.

But why does Jason have

to be the one to drive you?

He's so busy at work...

Got the wedding

coming up next weekend,

the rehearsal brunch.

You know, the entire law

firm is coming to this.

- It's true, Grandpa.

- Jason...

We have a lot of stuff,

Meredith and I...

I'll handle it.

Go ahead.

How about Cousin Nick?

Dad?

Why doesn't Nick do it?

We got this chocolate Lab

down at the store

that is just so horny,

every time I touch

the back of its ear,

it just gushes cum.

- Okay.

- I mean, like a squirting...

Is that your dog?

Nick isn't

legally allowed

to leave the state

of Georgia anymore.

I've barely seen this guy

since high school.

What's wrong with spending

some time with him?

So spending time

with family

is suddenly

important to you now?

Look, he can come here

tomorrow morning

for breakfast.

We can drive down

to Boca during the day,

maybe play a round

of golf or two,

then he'd be back here

in Atlanta the next day.

He can't just

flake off for two days!

The risk versus reward

here is just...

I don't see it happening.

It's what she would

have wanted, that's all.

But if you have to get

ready for your wedding,

if you're that busy...

I just don't understand

why he wants you to take him.

You're not even that close.

Well, we used to be.

Grandpa and I got along

growing up.

We used to build these

model trains every Christmas,

so I brought him...

Well, it seems like

we're cutting it

a little close

here, you know,

with the rehearsal

brunch on Friday...

I know. I know.

And by the way,

I can't find any

of the Martha's Vineyard

vacation photos

for the slide show.

I'm just freaking out.

That's because

they're on my laptop,

which I've got right here.

So I'll send them

to the wedding planner.

You don't have to worry

about anything.

Thanks.

And your dad says take 75,

because 16 takes forever.

Yeah, I know. He's got

it all mapped out for me.

And can you take

my car, sweetie?

I need

the SUV for the wine.

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Hey! You made it!

Give me a minute...

God! Sh*t!

Grab my ass!

- You ready to hit the road?

- I'm really sorry, Grandpa.

I didn't think

you'd be doing that.

So you caught me

taking a number three.

Big deal, right?

Number three?

Have a drink.

...No.

I'm driving, so...

I just got to finish up

my exercises,

and then we'll

hop on 16 to 95.

Dad says we should take 75 to 95.

It's more direct.

Dad's full of sh*t.

Grandpa, are you

sure you're okay?

Thanks for doing this,

by the way.

Those fuckheads

down at the DMV

took my goddamn

license away

because of these f***ing

cataracts in my eye.

But I can still

hit the sh*t

out of a golf ball,

that's for sure!

I made a tee time

for us in Florida

for this afternoon.

You can use your

grandmother's lady clubs,

they're right there

by the front door.

Okay.

All right,

you ready?

I thought the plan was

to have breakfast here?

That's your breakfast.

Now let's go get in that

giant labia you drove up in

and get the f***

out of here.

You sure I should be driving

with this, Grandpa?

Don't worry,

if you spill it,

this giant tampon we're

driving in should soak it up.

Just finishing

a work email

for the Steinhart

file...

So you're a lawyer at your

dad's firm now, is that right?

That's right,

and Meredith is too.

You know,

her dad is one of

the managing

partners there, so...

- I know, that's...

- Yeah.

It couldn't have

worked out better.

Because it's just

that I remember

when you were

in high school,

you told me how much you

wanted to be a photographer,

travel the world.

That sort of thing.

You remember when

I got you that subscription

to Time magazine?

Yeah, I used to be into

photography, but...

I mean, with Dad being

at the firm, pfft,

it just made

so much more sense

to focus on

a college curriculum

that stressed

the law school track.

I mean, I love what I do,

Grandpa.

Being a corporate lawyer

is awesome,

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