Dirty Laundry Page #2

There you go.

Ah! Ugh!

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me get this straight.

- Gabriel-

- That's your son.

- And I'm-

- Big daddy.

Big daddy. Oh.

Well, what happened to his mother?

- Phew!

- [Jackie] Well-

Well, where is she?

Where's Cookie?

Well, that's- that's kind

of a hard story, Sheldon.

- Damn shame.

- Well, what happened?

Well, I'm gonna let

Jackie tell that story.

Okay. Well, um,

it all started about...

two or three years

after you left town.

That poor Cookie,

she was a goddamn mess.

I mean, she was just all

destroyed after you left.

She cryin'all the time,

yellin' out your name.

We didn't even know

about Gabe at that point.

Okay. All right.

So what-what happened?

Well, you know, she tried

to get her life on track.

She was still a big girl.

- Big?

- Ooh, real big.

- Big?

- All right, real big.

She joined up with

a big-girl stripper troupe.

They would travel around

the lodges and restaurants and bars...

fat-boy bachelor parties-

any place where men wanted

to see big booties in G-strings.

Now, personally,

I think that's nasty.

I don't know why anybody would

want to see anything like that.

Big old booties hanging

out of a G-string...

like a uneven apple on one side

and then all flabby, you know, on the-

Mama, please,

just tell me what happened.

Well, okay.

In any case, they had just

finished doin' a show.

I think it was at Ruby's House

of Chickens and Ribs.

- Yep.

- And they got back on the tour bus.

- The driver was one of the girls in the tour.

- Uh-huh.

Well, apparently, the driver

reached for a rib...

that was left over in her purse...

[Sighs]

And didn't see the deer in the road.

Oh, my God.

So she hit the deer.

No. Apparently, she got

barbecue sauce in her eyes...

and the bus just went careening

off the side of the road.

- What?

- Everybody was killed.

Freak fat stripper accident.

- Oh.

- And while they were cleaning up the wreckage...

they found Gabriel's birth certificate

hidden inside a take-out menu.

A take-out menu.

Mm-hmm. And that's when Gabe

came here to live with us.

Yeah, it was just recently

he started to ask about his daddy, and...

well, I guess that just

got the ball rolling and here you are.

Boy, what you doing?

I'm writing a check.

You know, I didn't sign up for this.

So why don't you call me

if there's an emergency...

or you need an organ

transplant or something?

Boy, you're gonna need a transplant

if you don't get up there and talk to that boy.

Sheldon!

Now, why is he so strange?

- Mm-mmm.

- Lord.

- So, how do you like living with Aunt Jackie?

- And Gran. She's cool.

Huh. Give it time.

Give it time.

- I tried telling you.

- Yeah, about that-You know, I'm sorry.

I'm just not really

good at, uh-Anyway.

- You don't like kids, do you?

- No.

I mean- I mean, no,

I don't not like kids.

I mean, they're real little people.

You know?

And they're- they're great if you like kids.

[Chuckles]

But which I do.

I do.

It's just, uh, kids.

You know?

[Sighs]

Listen.

I'm really glad that we, you know,

had this time to meet.

And I think that we're gonna end up

being really great friends.

Okay. Well, you know,

I think it's really getting late.

Oh, yeah.

I better get to bed.

Okay. All right.

Okay.

[Exhales]

[Chuckles]

Well, that was easy.

[Sighs] Okay, Jackie, where is a guy

to get some sleep around here?

- Your old room's right upstairs.

- Oh, right.

But before you go,

you finish these dishes.

- [Laughs]

- Sheldon!

[Snoring]

- He don't look foreign.

- He's not foreign. He's from New York.

- [Snoring]

- He smells funny.

- It's probably fancy cologne.

- Why is he wearing cologne? He have a date?

[Boy]

It's this stuff.

- It smells good.

- It's probably expensive.

Duh! Yeah. Everything

in New York is expensive.

Why is he wearing that mask?

He a superhero?

That's stupid.

Maybe he's a cat burglar.

- [Kids, Together] Ooh!

- [Grunts, Gasps]

[All Screaming]

Oh. Kids.

[Grunts]

[Hip-hop Playing]

[Man Rapping]

[Continues]

[Clears Throat]

Oops. I'm sorry.

Did I wake you up?

I didn't mean to, but I gotta get up early

and practice my moves.

- Right.

- The dance recital is next week...

and I gotta rehearse

as much as I can.

They only pick the best, so I gotta be the best.

Do you want to see the routine?

- Not really.

- You must be Uncle Sheldon.

Mama told me all about you.

How long has it been?

Ten years?

You sleep late,

and you smell funny too.

- [Chuckles]

- I'm your niece Pudge...

but you probably haven't

seen me since I was two, huh?

- Pudge?

- My real name is Jamika,

but everybody calls me Pudge.

- You don't talk much. Are you always this quiet?

- Hmm. You-

I watch Oprah, and Oprah

says that being quiet...

is a sign that you feel like

your words don't have value.

God.

- [Continues]

- What is all that stompin' upstairs?

- Well, good morning.

- Good morning.

I don't know how they do it in New York,

but we get up early around here.

Okay. Well, I forgot

to pack a clock.

- Really?

- Yes.

- [Jackie] Mama!

- Yes?

- Mmm.

- Old man Percy's on the phone.

Oh. He must be callin' about his order.

Uh, tell him to call later and, um-

No, no, no. Tell him

I'll call him back. No, no.

Tell him, um-Just tell him not to call.

Hang up the phone. Hang up the phone.

- Mama, you all right?

- I'm fine.

[Jackie]

Percy-

Okay. Uh-

Why are you drinking

coffee out of a straw?

Well, it stains your teeth, Mama.

- Oh, really?

- Yes.

You know what?

Is there someplace in town...

where I can get online and do

some research on the Internet?

There ain't nothing on that

Internet but porn and bad music.

You need to go to the library

and crack a book.

There's computers

at the library you can use.

- You can drop me off at the shop on the way.

- Thank you, Jackie.

And after you do that, get back over here

so you can take Gabe to school.

- Oh. Well-

- Uh-uh. I don't have time for that.

I don't want to hear it.

I got a whole lot of washing to do.

Miss Norma Jean, she has a order in.

You remember her.

She's real hard to please.

So in about a half hour,

I want you to get back over here.

- And Gabe will be ready, won't you, honey?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Get your bacon. Just two pieces.

- [Gabriel] All right, Gran.

- You look so nice in this dress, Tanya.

- Really?

- Yes.

- You think so, Miss Jackie?

- Mm-hmm.

- You're not just sayin' that?

Oh, no, no.

You are so beautiful. Really.

Oh, thank you.

[Crying]

Oh. No. What? I'm sorry. Don't cry.

What- What did I say?

- Nothing. It's just her hormones.

- Ugh.

- [Woman] Girl, shut it up.

- Clarine, just get the book!

- Get the book.

- The book? The book?

Yeah, wedding magazines.

They always cheer her up.

Kind of like a shot of tequila.

Or a good man.

Clarine, that's my brother Sheldon.

Sheldon, that's Clarine.

Oh, Sheldon, huh?

You married? Single?

Anatomically correct?

Clarine!

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