Dirty Movie

1

Give us your tired, your poor,

your huddled masses

yearning to breathe free-

and looking for

a government handout,

a free lunch

and a dental plan too-

the wretched refuse

of your teeming shore,

your unwashed yellows and browns

and all colors in between,

Jews and gentiles,

Muslims and Hindus

and anyone else

with funny hats,

and we will make fun of them.

And now the white ladies.

Gosh, Nancy,

I just don't know what to do.

What's the matter, Sue?

Last week a man moved

into the house next door,

and he's African-American.

But when we were introduced,

I wasn't overcome with feelings

of rage or animal fear.

Gee, Sue, sounds like you've met

a non-threatening black man.

A non-threatening black man?

What's that?

A male Negro

who fails to trigger

the customary fight-or-flight response

in Caucasian women

due to his nonspecific physical

and socio-cultural attributes,

like Al Roker or Bryant Gumbel.

But if he's a non-threatening black man,

why isn't he a newscaster?

Oh, Sue, not every non-threatening

black man is a newscaster.

Some of them work

in advertising and politics.

Is that allowed?

In some states.

Gosh, this is all so confusing.

What should I do?

Move. He may be

non-threatening to you,

but your property values

won't know the difference.

You're right. I'll go home

and start packing right away.

But what'll I tell the kids?

Tell them to fear people

who are different.

Thanks, Nancy.

What would I do

without you?

And now please join us

in the singing

of our national anthem,

performed today

by international recording artist

and fourth runner-up

in the Miss Newark beauty pageant

Miss Tarnishe D'Silver.

Ahem.

Oh say

Can you

See

By the dawn's

Early

Light

Light light

Light

The dawn's so

f***ing early in the morning

The dawn is

too f***ing early

In the morning

And this light, this light...

Bom bom bom

Dip-dip dee bom bom bom

Dip-dip

dee bom bom bom

Dip-dip dee bom

Wah wah wah ooh

Bom bom bom

Dip-dip dee bom bom bom

Dip-dip

dee bom bom bom

Dip-dip dee bom

Wah wah wah ooh

Bom bom bom

Dip-dip

dee bom bom bom

Dip-dip dee bom bom bom

Dip-dip dee bom

Wah wah wah ooh

Bom bom bom

Dip-dip

dee bom bom bom

Dip-dip dee bom bom bom

Dip-dip dee bom

Wah wah wah ooh.

Well now, mister,

are you ready to behave yourself

like a good little boy

and join the rest of the class?

Well, I'm ready,

but can I ask you a question?

Yes, Charlie.

What is it?

What does a priest get

when he wants p*ssy?

What?

Nun. Get it?

Sh*t! F***!

Jesus! Ah, Christ!

Ass rape! Help!

I said quit it, you dyke!

Uncle.

Young man, one day

you're going to

wind up in prison

on your way to hell!

Ill show 'em.

Ill show 'em all.

One day Im gonna

make a movie

with nothing but...

jokes.

A whole movie-

nothing but jokes.

I don't follow.

Look, you guys used

to be big- huge.

You went national,

lampooning everything in sight.

Before your "Saturday Night Live,"

your Comedy Central,

it was your guys' name

synonymous with funny.

Better times.

Well, this is

how you get it back.

You forget all this

new media, viral video sh*t

and you get back to the funny.

Jokes are funny.

- Just jokes?

- Dirty jokes.

You want to make an entire movie out

of just dirty jokes?

- You got it.

- Just one after another?

- That's right.

- But that's not a movie.

I could be.

Look at "The Aristocrats. "

"The Aristocrats"

got a lot of heat.

Maybe we should do

something like that.

Yeah, but "The Aristocrats"

is a movie about a joke.

Right, so this will be

even better.

What if we did a 90-minute

live-action "Aristocrats"?

I love it. It pops.

Did you actually see

"The Aristocrats"?

- No.

- It's a joke about a family

that sodomizes their children

and defecates all over each other.

You think it's not a good idea?

A boy f***ing his mom

while her husband

is humping their

golden retriever in the ass?

How would we even

shoot that?

- Do a lot of it in editing.

- Sure, stock footage.

Okay, so how are

we gonna film a guy

shitting into

his daughter's mouth?

CGI.

Well, we're still

gonna need a star.

Real or CGI?

'Cause what star is gonna sh*t

in a little girl's mouth?

It would prove he's not gay.

He's not gonna

do that on camera.

He doesn't work

with animals anyway.

True true. Forget it.

No "Aristocrats. "

But Im not sure

that a dirty-joke movie

is sending our brand in the direction

I think we should be heading.

Are we talking about sick,

mind-numbing depravity,

gratuitous nudity

and cheap sex?

If we do it right.

Look, tits alone aren't

gonna do it anymore.

But tits plus funny

is box-office gold.

Jokes are funny.

So you get tits with jokes-

we're rolling.

Lawyer jokes,

doctor jokes, blonde jokes?

Midget jokes,

dead baby jokes.

No no no no no,

no dead baby jokes.

Okay, maybe

no dead baby jokes.

What about racist jokes?

Oh, that could get

a little touchy.

- There's a way to do it.

- How?

A racist joke's only racist

depending on who's telling it.

We could get one of your minorities

to tell the racist joke.

Could we have racist jokes

with the word nig-

the N-word?

No way, huh-uh.

Its out of the question.

These days if you make a racial slur

in public, you know what they do?

They send you to rehab.

And I am not going back to rehab.

- Come on.

- No, he's right.

You know, I mean,

that's a bridge too far even for us.

So how would this work?

Look, hey, guys, it's simple.

A guy walks into a bar,

sees the bartender-

a beautiful woman-

says to her,

"Give me five shots of whisky. "

She pulls up the glasses,

lays them down on the bar,

starts pouring-

one, two, three, four, five.

He's slamming them back

as fast as he can.

The bartender says,

"Celebrating something?"

He goes,

"My first blowj*b. "

The bartender says,

"In that case, let me buy you a beer. "

He goes, "No thanks.

If this doesn't kill

the taste, nothing will. "

Ba-dump-bump-crash!

There's your movie.

But that's not a movie.

Uh! Uh!

Yes! Yes!

Yes.

Uh!

Oh baby.

Oh, that was good.

Oh, I really-

I really gotta go now.

Oh no, don't go

to work, baby.

Let's go again, huh?

No, I've really gotta go to work.

Oh please?

One more time.

Oh, that's them. Hold on.

Shh, be quiet.

Hello.

This is Donovan.

Where the f*** are you?

Im sorry.

I can't come in to work today.

Im sick.

You're sick? You don't sound sick.

How sick are you?

Well, right now

Im f***ing my sister.

Hey.

I'd love to get in your pants.

That's disgusting.

Why would you say that?

'Cause I just took

a big sh*t in mine.

Oh, this guy is f***ed.

Emergency room.

Doctor, doctor,

I don't know what to do.

My wife is going into labor

and her contractions

are coming really fast.

Okay, is this

her first child?

No, this is her husband.

I wish that was

Britney Spears's ass.

I wish that was

Paris Hilton's ass.

I just wish it was dark.

Good meeting, boys. Hey listen, kid,

you go work on those storyboards.

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