Dirty Movie Page #2

- You come with me.

- Okay.

That guy doesn't really

seem to get it.

Are you sure he's the right person

to direct this thing?

He's non-union.

Oh, say no more.

He's perfect.

All right, so we'll set you up

in a production office

- down near the receptionist.

- I didn't see the receptionist.

She died in

the World Trade Center.

- Oh, on 9/11?

- No.

We're gonna need

some real comedy chops on this.

And you know who

we should get to write it?

- No.

- My son.

Oh sure, a trained monkey

could write this script.

And not ask for residuals.

Your only obstacle is

getting it past this board.

- Leave it to me.

- Hey!

Save your attitude, okay?

These people have been

running the comedy business

since Richard Pryor

was in short pants.

And you don't get

in that kind of position

unless you're a bunch of ruthless,

cantankerous sons of b*tches.

If they smell fear,

they'll rip off your balls

and sh*t on your children.

I don't have children.

Just watch yourself.

I-17.

Give me my smokes,

you f***ing bandit.

B-2.

Wow.

You said it.

Don't make any sudden moves.

N-34.

What's that?

- God damn it, stupid f***ing-

- I made a stinky.

My God.

- G-51.

- Bingo.

You cocksucker.

I f***ed your mother!

Yes, you did.

Take your medication, Dad, huh?

- May I have your attention, please?

- Bingo.

Right.

- I want my 45 back, you motherf***er.

- Ladies and gentlemen.

Bingo.

- Can I have your attention?

- That's bullshit.

Can I- can I have your attention?

Mmm?

It is my pleasure

to tell you about our new venture

in feature filmmaking.

We're going to make a movie

that is going to take this company

right back to its roots.

You're on.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And first off,

may I say what an honor-

Uh, now this feature

that I am proposing

- is a film made up...

- Help me.

...entirely of jokes.

What's the story?

Good question.

There is no story.

Its jokes acted out.

Just jokes?

You mean, like knock-knock jokes?

Not exactly. These jokes are

gonna be a little edgier.

Like the chicken-crossed-the-road jokes.

Yes and no.

A little more "no" than that but-

Well, I think there ought

to be whore jokes.

What's the difference between

an onion and a dead whore?

I cried when

I cut up the onion.

- Okay.

- Very good, Eleanor.

Why was there

4000 Mexicans at the Alamo?

They only had three cars.

What's the difference

between a homo

and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator don't fart

when you pull out the meat.

- That it?

- I think we're done here.

Im so gonna lose my license.

Why is that?

I f***ed three of my patients.

Oh, who cares?

My brother is a doctor.

He sleeps with patients all the time.

Yeah, but is he a veterinarian?

Hey, birthday boy.

Your friends hired me

to come over here

and give you some

hot super sex.

Ill take the soup.

What's the difference

between a priest

and acne?

Acne doesn't come

on your face till you're 12.

F*** you, freak!

Oh hey, cheap trick.

I told you, keep that on the corner.

Don't bring it in here.

All I want is a drink.

What the hell?

Its a slow night anyway.

Tell me about it.

You can pay for this?

Why don't you take it out of this?

Got anything smaller?

Excuse me,

Im looking for a big-time

Hollywood producer.

Morty, my main man!

Get over here, you big sh*t.

Come on, hug.

A big big hug.

That's a hug,

all right. Let go.

- How are you doing, bubi?

- Oh, can't complain.

You know, getting settled in,

a little tight.

Hey, no worries.

Wait a minute,

you did something.

There's something different.

What did you do?

I don't know.

What did I do?

Oh wow, that's some

beautiful work.

- $89.99.

- That's a great deal.

Yeah, he owed me.

Have a seat.

Yeah.

So they went for it, huh?

Yeah, shimmy in just a bit.

Hit the button right there.

Yeah, can you believe it?

Yeah, go figure.

And how does this one go?

Nothing but riddles?

- Jokes.

- Jokes, yes, jokes.

- So?

- So I have an investor.

Oh, beauteous!

Yeah, a great guy too.

I know him from temple-

real respectable, upstanding,

a real family man.

He sponsors

my kid's soccer team.

Oh, a nice guy.

What's he do?

He owns those jerk-off booths

over on Eighth Avenue.

Nice. So he can put up

the whole nut?

- People like to jerk off.

- Okay.

He's in, but he does have

one condition.

Oh dang it.

What, girlfriend an actress?

Nah nah, when I told him

it was a joke movie,

he said for his money he wants us

to make fun of the muklehs.

He wants Arab jokes?

Yeah, they're dirty,

they ride camels, so forth.

"Ride camels. "

Consider it done.

Fantastic.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you, sir.

You are welcome.

So what stars

do you have for this movie?

A little too early to tell,

but we're talking

to Clooney's people, Matt Damon.

Really?

Hey, we just got a call.

Piscopo's out.

Joe Piscopo's out?

- Who's Joe Piscopo?

- Exactly.

Mommy,

where do babies come from?

Well, babies-

they come from the stork.

Who fucks the stork?

Hello.

Hello. Pardon me.

Im afraid Im lost, you see.

- Who are you?

- Im looking for the Hopkins Inn.

You with the government?

No no, Lord no.

Im from London actually.

London?

Sh*t, you a long way

from home, boy.

What you do up in England?

Oh, Im a taxidermist.

A taxi-what?

A taxidermist.

What's that mean?

It means I mount dead animals.

Its okay, boys.

He's one of us.

Why can't Arab children take

driver's ed and sex ed

on the same day?

Their camels get too tired.

Arr!

Its the damnedest thing, Doc.

Ive lost all hearing

on my right side.

I think I found the problem.

You had a suppository

in your ear.

I guess I know

where my hearing aid is.

Your battery is low.

What?

Your battery is low!

Dad, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, come in.

Close the door.

You know that movie

we're doing?

Look, it's just like

those e-mails

you send me all the time,

so I want you to write it.

But Ive never written

a movie before.

So? Before last year

you'd never written

a novelty t-shirt before.

Look what a good job

you did with those.

I still haven't

gotten paid for these.

Oh yeah?

Well, we'll look into it.

Right now we need some

dirty, filthy jokes.

How dirty? I mean, can we even

find actors willing to do that stuff?

Actors are whores.

That's one of the founding

principles of this business.

One time in Nashville I got an actor

to jerk off on an oatmeal cookie.

On camera?

No, but that's not the point.

The point is they want

to be in a hit.

And if this movie is

half as good as your t-shirts,

we're gonna be on top again.

Here, take this.

- How's your mother?

- They had to amputate.

Give her my love.

Are you the manager?

Actually, no.

Oh.

Can you get him for me?

Well, he's not here right now.

Is there anything

that I could do for you?

Yeah.

Can you give him

a message for me?

What message

should I give him?

Tell him...

there's no toilet paper

in the ladies' room.

What do a gynecologist

and a pizza boy

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