Dirty Movie Page #3

have in common?

They can smell it,

but they can't eat it.

Hey, Freddy taught me

some cool new swears.

Yeah?

Check this out.

What do you want

for breakfast, Johnny?

Fix me up some

motherfucking pancakes, b*tch.

You don't talk to me like that,

you little bastard!

Go to your room. Think about it.

You, what do you want?

I don't know,

but it sure as sh*t ain't pancakes.

Hi, Doc.

So how have you been?

Im sorry, do I know you?

Yes, you're the father

of one of my children.

Oh my God.

You're the stripper

that I f***ed at my bachelor party

while your friend spanked me

and shoved

a cucumber up my ass.

No, Im your son's

English teacher.

How's your Yorkie?

Hold on.

I just wrote this one down.

How many Polacks

does it take

to screw in-

Funny.

All righty,

now what was it?

I don't think you got

what I was saying in the script notes.

What were you saying?

What I was saying is

that if we just have

nothing but jokes

one after another,

there's no story.

Which of these is funnier?

- I don't care.

- Fair enough.

What I was saying is

that I don't think

anyone's gonna sit

through this entire movie

without a story.

That's all Im saying.

So what are you saying?

We have to find

a narrative-

a beginning, a middle

and an end.

So what if we take

all the characters

from the jokes-

the main characters

like the dumb blonde,

little Johnny,

the pedophile priest-

and we give them

a backstory?

Like what's-my-motivation

kind of sh*t?

Yeah, like maybe little Johnny spent

some time in foster care.

Or the dumb blonde used to be a guy,

and now she's gender-confused.

- Maybe.

- F*** no! They're jokes-

setup, punch line,

onto the next one. Come on.

Look, even in a porno film

the guy shows up

with the pizza.

We know the girl

has ordered the pizza.

We know he is there

to deliver the pizza.

There is a story.

So you want the priest

to deliver a pizza?

Im confused.

You know what? Forget it.

- I guess a priest could deliver a pizza.

- Never mind.

Or a rabbi comes

to fix the cable.

- Forget I even brought it up.

- Suit yourself.

Other button.

Good boy.

A blue-ball joke.

Mr. Siguera.

Yeah, how is she, Doc?

I have good news

and I have bad news.

And the bad news is

the accident was very severe.

She has a ruptured esophagus,

so you're gonna have to feed her

through a tube daily.

- Okay.

- We had to amputate both her arms,

so you're gonna have to

help her in the bathroom

and pretty much wipe her ass

for the rest of her life.

Oh God.

There's gonna be a white milky discharge

coming from her vagina.

Don't worry.

Its normal but very pungent.

So make sure that you change

her diaper every three to four hours.

Oh God.

What's the good news?

Im just kidding. She's dead.

Hey, babe, you wanna f***?

Oh, I have a gynecologist

appointment in the morning.

I can't.

Do you have

a dentist appointment?

So there we were

in Africa on safari

tracking a giant

man-eating lion for days.

Finally we made camp.

And that night,

just as I was falling asleep,

the lion tore into

my tent and roared-

rr-arrgh!

I sh*t in my pants.

Oh. Well, that's okay.

If there was a lion in my tent,

I would have sh*t my pants too.

No, not then. Just now

when I went "Rarr-gh!"

I sh*t in my pants.

Did you hear about

the Polish girl

who dropped her gum

in the toilet?

She chewed the sh*t out of it.

Arr!

Through the perilous

Fight

Everybody was

kung fu fighting

Pick up a bottle and hit her

Upside her head now

'Cause you're fine

Don't want to get

your pretty face messed up

I know I don't want to get

my pretty face messed up...

All right,

having our first audition,

making a movie,

having an audition.

- Mm-hmm.

- Did you call the actors?

The casting director does that.

Right right.

Having an open call,

a cattle call, as they say.

Come in, the first actor!

Give it to me.

What's the difference

between a p*ssy and a c*nt?

A p*ssy is warm, wet

and feels awesome

on your cock,

and a c*nt's the b*tch

that owns it.

We'll give you a call.

What did one gay sperm

say to the other gay sperm?

"How am I gonna find the egg

through all this sh*t?"

Next!

You hear about the guy

who had five c*cks?

A condom fit like a glove.

Oh.

Next!

What do women and tornadoes

have in common?

They moan when they come

and they take the house when they leave.

- Thank you.

- He seemed fine.

Oh, trust me.

I know the funny.

Next!

How do you know

when your wife is really dead?

The sex is the same,

but the dishes start piling up.

Next!

What do you call

a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.

Next. Next. Next. Next.

What's round, long, hard

and has seamen in it?

A submarine.

- Thank you.

- Hey!

Let me, please.

You got something, kid.

I can feel the funny

flowing from you,

but you're just not letting it go.

You gotta share the funny,

draw us in with the funny,

seduce with the funny

that God gave you.

Take off your top.

Okay.

Okay.

This is funny.

All right,

now let it flow.

What's the difference between

a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute stops f***ing you

once you're dead.

Is that a boom mike in your pocket

or are you just glad to see me?

How does a hillbilly girl

know her mother is on the rag?

Her brother's dick

tastes really nasty.

Were we really that funny?

Hilarious.

Yay!

You were so funny,

I think I came.

Yay!

- We'll call.

- Yay!

What did I tell you?

The funny- you could

smell it off 'em.

I think I smelled

something too.

- Whew.

- Excuse me.

I tell you, this auditioning thing

is exhausting. I need a nap.

- Excuse me.

- I think we still have a few actors left.

No no no, tell them the shop is closed,

come back tomorrow.

Hey, douche bags, Im not here

to listen to you ladies yak.

Who do I have to f***

to get a part around here?

I think I just got

a second wind.

Hold all my calls.

- You don't have a phone.

- Right.

Morning. Welcome to

the Hopkins Inn.

A little hair of the dog

that bit ya?

Give me a drink-

anything but gin.

Oh, you're not

a gin guy, huh?

I hate that sh*t.

I drank a whole fifth of gin

last night and blew Chunks.

Oh buddy, you drink

a fifth of anything-

you're bound to blow chunks.

No, you don't understand.

Chunks is my dog.

A kid lost his gym shorts?

Yeah, a pair of boys' gym shorts.

These aren't boys' gym shorts.

These are girls' gym shorts.

No, they're not.

Its a pair of boys' gym shorts.

Look, Ive been doing this

for a long time.

I know a pair of girls'

gym shorts when I see 'em.

Well, then you know

that those are boys' gym shorts.

- You're wrong.

- Oh please, you're wrong.

Look, these are girls' gym shorts.

Its a pair of boys' gym shorts.

Hey hey hey,

what's the problem here?

He's put up a lost-and-found notice

for boys' gym shorts,

and they're obviously girls'.

Boys' gym shorts,

but not from my parish.

Where do you find

a one-legged dog?

Wherever you f***ing left it.

Get ready for a long shift-

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote