Dirty Movie Page #4

a pileup on the Major Deegan-

bus bringing 10 bodies.

Damn.

Did you finish

that autopsy report

on the Jane Doe

we fished out of the river?

Yeah, blunt force

followed by asphyxiation.

Three days floating

in the Hudson didn't help either.

You wouldn't believe her clitoris-

like a dill pickle.

Green?

The other mortician goes,

"Eh, a little sour. "

Its a little-

"clitoris" is

a little strong for me.

Vulva?

Okay okay, how about this one?

Why did they bury

the dead homo face down?

In case his friends wanted

to drop by for a cold one.

No. God no.

Oh, I like that.

Put that on the board.

No, do not touch

that marker.

- Why not?

- Why not?

Look, we're not doing

straight necrophilia jokes,

so we're certainly not gonna do

gay necrophilia jokes.

You got a problem with gay jokes?

Put it on the board.

Do not touch that marker.

Why? Since when is

gender preference

any kind of factor

in f***ing a corpse?

You say that like it's

from personal experience.

No, it's just that-

you don't like gay jokes, do you?

No, I-

gay jokes are fine.

I- I like gay jokes.

What are you talking about?

- How can you tell if you're at a gay picnic?

- How?

- All the hot dogs taste like sh*t.

- Ha!

That's not funny.

I don't have a problem. Its just not funny.

- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

- No, it's not. No, it's not.

- You're gay, aren't you?

- No, Im n-

Ive got a wife and three kids.

Fine.

No gay jokes.

Its cool.

I guess no Puerto Rican

jokes either.

Puerto Rican?

Im Jewish.

Wait, hold on, hold on,

I got one.

What do you call an open can of tuna

in a dyke's apartment?

Potpourri.

See, now that's funny.

That is funny.

So we can make fun of

the carpet munchers but-

it's cool. I get it.

- Get what?

- Nothing.

That is a fabulous belt

you're wearing, by the way.

Oh, thank you-

I know what you're doing.

Dad, I think my gym teacher's gay.

Oh?

Why do you say that?

Because he closes his eyes

when I kiss him.

I was so sorry to hear

about your wife.

We were all praying for her.

Thanks. Thanks so much.

At least she's not

suffering anymore.

She was in that coma

for so long.

I know.

Just when we thought

she might pull out of it-

Really?

They did everything

they could do.

And then the doctor said

some pleasurable stimulation

might bring her out of her coma.

He asked if she liked oral sex.

Boy, did she.

So he said

some really vigorous oral action

might take her out of her coma.

So I tried it.

What happened?

I don't know.

I think she choked.

Oh God,

Im so ashamed, man.

I know Im going to hell

for the things Ive done.

- Oh? What have you done?

- F***ed people's pets.

Oh, that'll get you in.

You are going straight to hell.

- How would you know?

- Im getting my theology degree.

- Really? Where?

- Online.

So what do they say

about hell?

Well, it's really not so bad.

Do you like to get high?

- Love it.

- Well, you're gonna love Mondays.

On Mondays

it's 420 all the time.

You can get as high as you want.

You can do as much drugs as you want.

You won't overdose

'cause you're already dead.

Sweet.

- Do you like to gamble?

- You bet.

Well, you will love Tuesdays,

'cause you can gamble

all you want and lose all your money.

'Cause you don't need money

in the afterlife.

No alimony.

- And are you gay?

- F*** no, Im not gay.

Then you won't like

Wednesdays.

I love you, man.

I love you, man.

I just love you so much.

I wish I could love you that much.

Oh sh*t.

Oh f*** f*** f***. My wife's gonna kill me.

Don't sweat it.

No no no, she's gonna

f***ing kill me.

I promised her I wouldn't drink.

Now she's gonna

f***ing divorce me.

No no, check this out.

This is what you do.

- Tell her-

- Cut.

Sorry. Im sorry.

This guy is awful.

The truth is,

my hands were tied.

He's the midget's brother.

It was a package deal.

- Why do we even need the midget?

- Oh, gotta have a midget.

Yes, but why do we

need that midget?

Oh.

That midget, my friend-

oh, that midget-

you have no idea.

Like a mongoose,

a shaved little mongoose.

Thank you.

Do you know they make

special harnesses?

Please please please stop.

- Oh f***.

- Oh my God.

Oh f*** f*** f***.

My wife's gonna kill me.

"Don't sweat it. " Cut!

- Don't sw- sorry. Im sorry.

- That's all right.

You f***ing a**hole.

I knew you'd stay out

getting wasted with your friends.

Some guy got sick on my shirt

and he gave me 20 bucks

to get it cleaned.

Oh really?

What's the other 20 for?

That is from the guy

who took a sh*t in my pants.

Why don't women

in San Francisco wear miniskirts?

Because you'd see their balls.

I always knew you were crazy,

but now I see you're nuts.

Surprised, little boy?

- Hello, Father.

- Hello, Doctor.

Ive got good news

and Ive got bad news.

Okay, give me

the bad news first.

The bad news is

you have terminal cancer.

- Oh my God.

- It metastasized through your system

and there's nothing we can do.

So what's the good news?

You know the nurse that

brings you your medication?

- Yeah.

- Im f***ing her.

Oh Lord.

Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

Here's one for you-

what do you call a black hitchhiker?

Stranded.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Why did God invent

the orgasm?

So black people would know

when to stop f***ing.

Hey, tough crowd.

Hey, looky here,

I got another one for you.

Say, what's long and hard

on a black man?

Hey.

Ha! Third grade. Get it?

Isn't he great?

What, you don't like him?

Look, we all agreed

the only safe way to tell a black joke

is to have a black person tell it.

And?

Well, we couldn't find

a black person willing to do that.

Yeah, it's called self-respect.

Yeah, so I got to thinking about

all the great ventriloquist teams

of our times-

your Bergen and McCarthys,

your Simon and Garfunkels.

And it hits me-

you get a black puppet,

he'll be the one

telling the jokes.

And why the clansman?

Irony.

Give us another.

What did the black lady get

when she had an abortion?

A $500 check

from Crime Stoppers.

Good night.

Try the chitlins.

Look at that.

You can't even see his lips move.

That's because

he's wearing a hood.

I know. Isnt it great?

Could you take

the hood off, please?

What the-

he's a goddamn Chinaman.

Hey hey! Hey.

A little sensitivity.

Wing Thai is no Chinaman.

He's a Singaporean.

That's a team player.

Did he just call me a limp dick?

Boys, would you look at that?

I wish I could do that.

I think you'd better

pet him first.

I f***ed your mother.

Go home, Dad.

You're drunk.

You know what

you want there, fellas?

Yeah, Ill just have the hamburger.

And I will have the hot dog.

Sure thing. Coming up.

Be careful- a hot plate.

There you go.

Uh, why was my hamburger

under your arm?

I was keeping it

warm for you.

Let's cancel that hot dog.

Wrong names.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong. Wrong.

Hey, Teach, you got a light?

Johnny, when did you

start smoking?

The first time I got laid.

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