Dirty Movie Page #5

When was that?

I don't remember.

I was drunk.

Hello.

Hello, son.

How you doing?

Im doing good.

How is your rotation?

Have you decided on a specialty yet?

I think Im gonna go

into gynecology.

Gynecology?

Why gynecology?

I hear there's lots of openings.

Excuse me,

may I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

If you woke up

at the top of a mountain

in the middle of a snowdrift

with a black eye

and a stinging pain

in your rectum,

would you tell anyone?

F*** no.

Really?

Would you like

to go skiing?

Hey, babe,

how about tonight?

You wanna f***?

I have a follow-up visit

with the gynecologist.

Are you seeing

the proctologist?

What do you have for me?

And please give me something we can use.

Okay okay,

how about this?

What do you get

when you take a baby-

Eh eh eh! I said

no dead baby jokes.

- But it's not a dead baby joke.

- Save it.

- Its not- it's not a dead baby joke.

- Uh-huh.

Its not. Its alive.

What?

The baby- when you do the thing

with the baby,

it's alive.

You're a sick f***.

No, Im not.

Listen to this.

- What do you get when you take a baby-

- I don't want to hear it.

- What do you get when you take a baby-

- No, stop.

Im not listening.

Im not li- la-la la-la la!

La la la la la la la la la la la!

La la la la

la la la la la la la!

He's right. Its not dead.

I don't want to hear it!

I don't want to know!

- I don't want to hear it!

- But it's really funny.

I don't care.

We are filming this.

How are you gonna film

a dead baby joke?

A stunt baby?

You just don't understand funny.

Dead baby jokes are not funny.

- But it's not dead.

- Drop it!

Its not a dead baby joke.

I heard that.

You really think a baby

could survive that?

So I told her,

"Ass, gas or grass, b*tch.

Nobody rides for free. "

Hey, Brian.

Do I know you?

Um, it's Blair, remember?

I met you here

at the toga party.

We went up to your room, remember?

You told me

I was a good sport.

Hey, Blair baby,

how are you doing?

Well, Im pregnant...

Oh sh*t.

...and I think

Im gonna kill myself.

Wow, you really are

a good sport.

May I ask you a question?

Sure.

If you woke up

in the middle of the woods

with your pants

around your ankles

and Vaseline smeared

all over your ass,

would you tell anyone?

F*** no.

Really?

Would you like

to go camping?

What's the difference

between erotic and kinky?

Erotic-

you use a feather.

Kinky- you use

the whole chicken.

You see, honey,

this is the pig that I f***

when you have a headache.

You idiot,

that's a chicken, not a pig.

I wasn't talking to you.

What the f***?

What do you mean, you have no money?

I got the board

to sign off on this.

Im sorry, Im sorry.

Its my guy with the jerk-off emporium.

He's having some liquidity issues.

What the hell does that mean?

He's been sent to federal prison.

Oh Jesus.

Prostitution?

Actually no. It turns out

his jerk-off booths weren't

handicapped-accessible.

What the f***? I can't get in here.

The Supreme Court ruling

came down yesterday-

"Harrison vs. Ladyfingers. "

A five-to-four ruling.

Clarence Thomas was

the deciding vote.

Go figure.

Well, where does that leave us?

We always got plan B.

Its not the lowest we've sunk.

Okay, Morty,

thanks for dropping by.

Thanks for the news.

Get out of here. We'll call.

Okay, I can fix it with the jerk-off king.

I just need a day or two.

We're fine.

Ill call you. Ill call you.

Can I talk to you guys

for a second?

- We're kind of in the middle of something.

- Its pretty urgent.

Ive been doing the projections

and we don't have enough money

- to finish the shoot.

- How bad is it?

For starters, we have to pull

all the midget jokes.

You f***ing a**hole.

Ah.

F***ing a**hole.

You little punch f***er.

Eh, they're uppity.

We don't need their attitude.

I loved that midget.

You f***ed her.

Losing the midget is

gonna hurt us overseas.

What do you need?

Without the midget.

Im gonna need an extra $217.

Well...

that's not gonna happen.

Its gotta happen.

Ive cut every corner possible.

And all the sets are starting

to look vaguely familiar.

Stop worrying.

We thought this might come up.

What's this?

- Plan B.

- Market research.

- What for?

- To sell commercials.

- Commercials?

- Commercials.

- You want to sell commercials?

- Yeah.

- In a movie?

- Never been done.

Well, don't you think there's

a good reason for that?

Oh, they're not commercials exactly,

more like sponsorships.

You take the most expensive jokes

and you have them underwritten

by a corporate sponsor,

- like...

- PBS.

Right, so for instance

"This evening's violent

gay butt-rape joke

will be brought to you by the

American Musical Theater Association. "

- You got it.

- Exactly.

Yeah well, while you're at it,

all your black jokes can be paid for

with malt liquor ads.

Actually, that's what

the market research says.

I was kidding.

I have to be careful, you know.

Some of my best friends are black.

Okay, you're right.

They're not.

It'll be fine.

The commercials

will be done tastefully.

Seamlessly. The audience won't

even know it's happening.

When I was a boy,

growing up here

in the Smoky Mountains

of Tennessee,

my grandpa used to

take me trout fishing.

And every fishing trip we'd take,

he'd be sure to bring along

a can of Little Vienna Sausages.

'Cause Little Vienna Sausages

are more than just artificial gelatin

and leftover cattle feces.

They're a part of growing up.

Around lunchtime

Id go digging in his rucksack

and Id eat up the whole can.

Boy, it'd give me the shits

something terrible.

I guess I was just

too young to know better.

And Grandpa-

well, by that point

he was just too drunk to care.

We never did catch many fish,

but it didn't matter so much.

Thanks to my

Little Vienna Sausages,

Id usually be stuck on the toilet

by the time Grandpa started

ranting about Communism

and beating his woman.

Little Vienna Sausages.

Just a little taste of America.

Im telling you,

my guy's gonna come through.

Morty, look, Little Vienna Sausages

came through.

Between the commercials

and product placements, we're fine.

- So I can take the whole box?

- Please.

Look who's living large. So what are

you gonna do with all this money?

Are you gonna get

a big movie star for your movie?

I hear Rod Steiger's out of work.

Rod Steiger's dead.

Right, there you go.

How about Scott Baio?

Eh.

- Fred Thompson?

- No.

Richard Gere.

Richard Gere? "An Officer

and a Gentleman" Richard Gere?

What the hell would he do

with racist bestiality joke movie?

I don't know. He might be into it.

- You've heard those stories about him.

- What stories?

- You know.

- Know what?

- He put Goebbels up his ass.

- He did what?

Goebbels- he put

Goebbels up his ass.

- Goebbels?

- Yeah.

Yeah, Goebbels-

the German guy.

- Joseph Goebbels?

- That's him.

- The Nazi minister of propaganda?

- That's him. That's the guy.

Richard Gere put

Joseph Goebbels up his ass?

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