Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Page #5

How are the Freedom Fighters?

Oh, Lady Janet is one of us.

Oh, wonderful!

And, uh...

Oh, this is my royal

adjutant, General Benson.

- How do you do?

- Charmed.

- Your High...

- Let's have lunch, Mrs. Reed.

- Thank you, Your Highness.

- I will telephone you.

Oh, please!

One of my former patients.

Unfortunately, incurable.

Freddy, isn't this beautiful?

I can't believe this

is really happening.

He's sacrificing his vacation

and sharing his villa.

This is incredible.

Arthur, this is Miss Colgate.

She will be staying at the hotel.

But Officer Benson here

will be staying with us.

Please don't worry. You

are close to my room.

I shall keep my eyes

on you night and day.

May I show you the villa?

It has a fascinating history.

Welcome to hell.

This is so beautiful.

Janet, we haven't discussed my fee yet.

It will be $50,000.

Yes, I'll have to call my father.

I wish I could make it lower, but

the clinic would never allow that.

Oh, I understand.

- Let me show you the rest of the villa.

- OK.

- What about Freddy?

- Freddy, go to your room.

I'd like to come upstairs, too.

Of course you would. Come on!

- But he can't!

- Yes, he can. It's all in his mind.

- It seems so cruel.

- Trust me. I'm a doctor.

First, I will show you the music room.

Oh, my goodness.

- Isn't this beautiful?

- Mm.

I love all these old

musical instruments.

This music box. This is my favorite.

Listen.

In the old days, people

used to dance to this.

Come.

Freddy!

I heard the music... and I

pulled myself up the stairs.

And then I saw you and him...

dancing!

The more he sees us dance, the

more he will get used to it.

Ohhh!

It's awful to see us

like this, isn't it?

Janet, you're right.

Now he can't see us.

- This is terrible.

- No pity.

I know this is difficult,

but it is only through our

strength that Freddy will find his.

I have a splendid day

planned for Freddy.

- But I need your help for his therapy to be successful.

- Of course

- You will sit here.

- Thank you.

I will sit here...

and Freddy will sit there.

Uh-huh.

Sir, Officer Benson is not in

his room. I found this on the bed.

Thank you, Arthur.

What? What does it say?

"I've lost hope."

"Would you please see that my

grandmother gets my insurance,"

"and if my body's washed ashore,"

"that my remains are cremated and

tossed over the Suwannee River."

He's gonna drown himself!

There he is, doctor!

Sit down. Sit down.

It's a bluff to gain sympathy.

Pretend to enjoy

yourself. Laugh out loud.

Louder.

Would you

like some strawberries?

He's looking. Keep laughing.

Excuse me, sir. The man

is here with your satellite dish.

What satellite dish?

I'll be right back.

What would I

want with a satellite dish?

Freddy!

I'm out of control!

I'm out of control! Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Freddy! Freddy!

Freddy! Freddy!

Freddy! No!

Freddy, stop, please!

Janet, don't make me crawl

around you. This sand is too hot.

- Then just stop where you are.

- And then what?

When you're not looking, I will come

down here, and I will do it right!

Then I'm not going to leave you.

I'm going to get Dr. Schauffhausen.

Janet. Janet! Janet!

Not him. He hates me.

He's trying to torture me.

He doesn't hate you.

He may seem strict, but

he's just trying to help you.

Don't make me go back there.

Can't we just stay here a

little bit longer? Please?

Well...

Mm-hm!

Just as I thought.

I'm sorry I was so

depressed this morning.

It's just that last night,

I had a dream about her.

Ohh!

I remember...

how I used to stare at her...

and just sit and

touch her face, like this.

- That is so sweet.

- She was the first girl I ever kissed.

Really?

And now...

I will probably never kiss

another girl for the rest of my life.

Freddy, that is ridiculous!

You are an attractive and

exciting and sensitive man.

I'm sure there are a million

women who would love to kiss you.

I wanna ask you a question,

and I want you to be

completely honest with me.

OK.

Am I attractive and exciting to you?

- Miss Colgate!

- Ohh!

May I talk to you, please?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Janet, I am dropping this case.

Oh, no, please don't. I know

I shouldn't have done it.

It's just that I felt so sorry for him.

You heard that awful story about

his girlfriend and the dancer.

- How did that make you feel?

- It made me physically sick.

Then please help him!

Please, please, please!

- All right. I will.

- Thank you.

But, Janet, we must hide our pity.

You and I must be his role model.

We must enjoy ourselves so much

that Freddy will want to jump

out of the wheelchair and join us.

I'll try, Doctor, but it won't be easy.

I will be there to help you.

How much of this can he stand?

Don't show any pity. Look

happy. Enjoy yourself.

- Are you sure?

- Yes. Come, come.

Isn't she fabulous? Wouldn't

you like to dance with her?

What's stopping you?

Get out of that chair

and dance with the girl!

OK. If you just want to sit

there and miss all the fun.

Oi! Oi, mate!

- Who's the a**hole?

- "Get up and dance" he says.

I'd like to smack him one.

I wouldn't mind so much,

but she used to be my girl.

If I could just get her alone,

I think I could have a chance.

But he's always around.

I have another idea. It was

love that put him in that chair.

Perhaps love could get him out.

Would you mind if I

gave you a little kiss?

- Well, if you think that it would help.

- Yes, I think it would help.

- OK.

- Right.

- That piece of sh*t!

- What do you reckon?

Hey! Oi!

There's a transport plane leaving

for Honduras at One o'clock tonight.

How'd you like your friend to be on it?

- Good night, Freddy.

- I'll be right back.

Think happy thoughts.

Doctor, do you think that

the therapy is working?

- Yes, I am terribly pleased.

- Good!

I'm sorry about the

delay in paying your fee.

I should have it by tomorrow.

It took longer than I thought

it would to raise the money.

- You had to raise the money?

- The cash prize wasn't quite enough,

so I had my father sell off the car

and the furniture and all the jewelry.

- What cash prize?

- From the contest.

You know, I was selected as

the United States Soap Queen.

That's why I'm on this

all-expense-paid trip to Europe.

Your father doesn't own the

United States Soap Company?

No! I just use their laundry detergent.

You see, I entered their

contest and then I won.

You barely know Freddy...

but you'd sell

everything you owned for him?

Well, it's not everything. I'm

keeping the mink. Is that wrong?

Besides, knowing I helped a man like

Freddy be able to live his life again

is worth more to me than the car

or the furniture or all the jewelry.

I really couldn't ask for

a better prize than that.

I never knew that

people like you existed.

You are generous, sincere.

You are... You are wonderful.

Thank you.

Well... good night.

Good night.

Freddy, get it into your head.

The bet's off. She hasn't got the money.

You know what it sounds like to me.

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