Dirty Tricks

1

[Doorbell rings]

[Knock on door]

[Doorbell rings]

Have you tried the back?

Oh, no, sir.

I haven't.

Oh, sh*t!

I'm in a spot of bother

with the law.

In a minute, I'll try and

tell you how all this happened.

But just for now

I need to keep my head down.

There doesn't appear

to be anyone here, sir.

- Come back this afternoon.

Right, sir.

Do I look like a murderer'?

[Sighs ] Well, yes,

I suppose I do in this picture.

[ Beeping ]

WOMAN:
Hello.

Northwestern Bank.

Hello.

Um, I'd like to transfer

1,000,257.63

to a bank in Malagrena in --

Name, sir'?

Malagrena.

In South America.

No, sir, I was asking --

I'm sorry.

You want my name.

All this started when

I met Karen and Dennis Parsons,

Whose house this used to be.

They are both, I'm afraid,

no longer with us.

Isn't that lovely'?

Dennis chose that.

Yes.

The first time I visited

number 9 Ramillies Drive

I was a penniless teacher

at a low-rent language school.

A nobody.

That explains

the whole business, really.

Now, while I make myself scarce,

will you listen to the tale of

how a nice young man like me

came to be wanted for murder'?

Ah, here he is.

Here he is.

Great Scott.

Come 'round, come 'round.

The funny thing was,

Karen -- Dennis's wife --

was absolutely not my type.

So...

How did you meet

Karen and Dennis'?

At a Wine and cheese at the

language school where I teach.

Dennis does my boss's books.

I'm Dennis's partner,

Thomas Carter.

- Ah.

- I didn't catch your name.

Come on, now.

Get that down your neck, matey.

Yeah, it was his wine know-how

that impressed me,

not his dress sense.

Can't think how he does the

research on what Clive pays him.

Now, what do you think of that'?

Cabernet?

Uh, yes and no.

I know what you mean.

Cabernet franc not sauvignon.

It's from the Loire definitely.

You've got Denny worried now.

-[ Laughter]

- Chinon'?

Oh, Bourgueil, in fact.

- Oh!

- But not bad. Not bad at all.

Very few people

can tell them apart.

[ Sniffs ]

You see, our mortgage

is endowment,

Whereas Thomas's is repayment.

Now, I have taken

a fixed-term loan to improve.

But, then, as I said earlier,

"What the hell,

I'm an accountant."

You say to me,

"What's two and two?"

And I say,

"What would you like it to be?"

[ Laughter]

But the good things of life,

as I see it --

Well, a nice home, for example.

[ Laughs ]

A good education.

Well, these things

all cost money.

Money is the bottom line.

What kind of mortgage

do you have'?

Uh, the nonexistent kind.

I've been teaching English

abroad for 15 years.

- Whereabouts?

- All over.

I ended up in a place called

Malagrena in South America.

All I brought back from there

was a distaste

for working after lunch.

[ Laughter]

Would you excuse me'?

DENNIS:
You know, some of

the South American chardonnays

are coming up very nicely.

I don't know Whether you've

ever had the chance to taste

a really good

Chilean pinot noir.

[Music box playing]

Why'?

Why do these horrible,

ignorant bloody people

earn more in a week

than I do in a month'?

Karen.

[ Door locks ]

Karen'?

DENNIS:
Karen'?

-[ Knock on door]

Karen'?

What happened

to the Beaumes de Venise'?

- On.

-on.

You've, uh, seen Karen'?

Yeah.

She went upstairs.

Oh, do I need to point Percy

at the porcelain.

Oh, absolutely not.

Dennis, can I have, um,

a word in private?

I think you should know

someone's been playing footsie

with me under your dining table.

Well, I don't think

it would be Thomas Carter.

I think Lyn would have let us

know if he had, uh, tendencies.

[ Laughs ]

He's rather keener on Karen.

Fancying people-

What's that all about,

though, eh'?

You know, Karen isn't...

You know?

I mean,

when you're a married man...

It might have been different if

she'd been able to have kiddies.

And she's very involved

with her gymnastics classes,

and I'm 100% accountant.

That's just the way it is.

She's probably chucking up

in the upstairs bathroom.

[ Chuckles ]

Shall we, uh, rejoin the ladies?

[ Laughs ]

I've, uh, just been chatting to

our friend, the eternal student.

I don't think we should give him

any more wine, don't you know,

or the law might take

his precious bicycle away.

[ Laughter]

If it hadn't been for

the "eternal student" crack,

I don't think I'd have bothered

to try and seduce

Dennis's wife.

As it was,

I had no alternative.

[Whirring]

[Whirring]

[Telephone ringing]

[Whirring stops]

Parsons here.

Hi, Dennis.

Um, look, I-l left, my, uh --

my Wallet

'round at your place last night.

It's -- It's a brown leather job

with a --

with a green sticker on it.

Thanks very much for a really

enjoyable evening, by the way.

It was a real eye-opener for me.

Have you seen a wallet, Karen'?

Clive's teacher laddie

left his 'round here last night.

Oh, yeah.

I know Where it is.

Tell him to come 'round now.

Yes. We've got it.

Come 'round now.

[Click]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, it's you.

Dennis isn't here.

I know he isn't.

I've been Waiting for him to go

for an hour

in the freezing rain.

It's all right. Just give me

my Wallet and I'll go.

I haven't got your wallet.

I know you haven't.

Then why are you here'?

What is it with you?

Pointless Washing the car

on a day like this.

I've got an Australian merlot

you might like to try.

And there's a shiraz with lots

of fruity elegant body about it.

Things were looking up.

An Oxford education.

Tradition and the pursuit

of excellence.

The dreaming spires.

I'm sure I'd believed

in all that

in my time as a student here.

But as things were,

I'd ended up a slave

in the Clive Phillips School

of English for foreigners,

a bucket shop of the worst sort

run by a diminutive

barrow boy who...

Well, see for yourself.

I hear Dennis and Karen Parsons

asked you to dinner.

Small world, isn't it'?

Well, I'm not sure

I like members of my staff

consorting with my accountant.

And his lovely wife, Karen.

You're late.

Not a thing to be

when your contract's

nearly up for renewal.

You owe me 7 exactly.

Why's that, Clive?

'Cause I pay you 6 an hour,

and you are

an hour and 'lo minutes late.

How did you get on with Karen'?

Isn't she a lovely girl'?

You know your trouble,

my friend'?

You haven't

marketed yourself properly.

These days an Oxford education

isn't worth the paper

it's printed on.

Cash is the bottom line.

See, look at me.

Look at what I've got.

And I'm a total yob, really.

[indistinct talking]

Morning.

Sorry I'm late.

Right.

I have recorded

a simple conversation

between me and a lady.

How you say --

with the big jugs, no'?

No, Massimo.

Am I not early, yes'?

No.

Sit down, please.

EDWARD:
Hello there.

Can I get you anything?

WOMAN:
Yes.

I will give you some money

so that you can buy me carrots.

EDWARD:

Give me 20.

WOMAN:

20 is too much.

EDWARD:
Why is it too much'?

Please tell me.

- Karen.

- I had to come.

You have to go.

If Clive sees you here,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes